TItles

I wonder if it is just a little presumptuous to attach titles to myself....christian, agnostic, buddhist? At various times I can honestly say I have been each of them, at times they overlap. I certainly have not arrived so is it just a sign of my own immaturity that I feel the need to define myself with titles, especially since these titles really aren't of much practical use. In fact they tend to be more divisive than not. Am I christain? Am I agnostic? Or am I still on the path to becoming, trying to figure it out as I go? That seems to be the most accurate...I am on a journey, have not arrived, and for lack of a firm, determined committment just now I think it is best to leave the titles on the side and simply continue on my journey.

Is reason the star of the show or only a supporting actor?

I have been nursing a nagging suspicion that reason is not the well-spring of belief or non-belief. It is certainly of great importance, but I'm wondering if it is in fact the great decider?

When I was a christian I prided myself in always looking deeper, constantly trying to learn more and more - not because of lack of faith but because I love to learn. I had faith and believed that my faith was supported by reason and by a great body of evidence. However, I am no longer a christian (now agnostic) and I still feel that my lack of faith can be supported by a great body of evidence. I feel that it is reasonable for me not to believe. In either case I sought to stand upon reason - in either case I felt that I stood upon a good foundation. Did reason fail or is there more to the equation?

Reason is not only resting on the facts but upon the interpretive bias' of each individual. It is entirely reasonable for many christians to believe as they believe - reason/reasonable is not synonymous with true. Likewise it is reasonable for many people not to believe in the christian god . In neither case is it universally possible to claim absolute or dogmatic certainty. It is the perception of each individual that is the deciding factor - the 'facts' are interpreted through our own bias' and through a host of personal and environmental filters. We are not free but conditioned animals. Reason is a tool that is conditioned not only by the skill of the one wielding it but also by the material it is used on.

As a christian I always maintained that I could not convince someone of gods existence or of christian truth- only that I could strongly support that belief through reason and the evidence available. I believed that faith or lack of faith was beyond facts and reason alone. I wonder if that is any less true as an agnostic.

Meditations while bored at work

The emptiness that is my life is all that directs me. Resting in the meaningless of life I press on. Who I am, who I was, who I dreamt that I could be - meaningless in light of who I am. The wind blows as it wills and I, like chafe, am scattered and thrown. In my naivete I make choices, daring to dream that they have value - that too is illusion. My choices are made in ignorance and futility. We, society, are a mass of vain, blind animals wandering this way, blown that way. Is there a divine providence guiding the scattering winds? Can one tell by the apparent randomness of our lives - so some comfort, to others pain - to all suffering in varying degrees.

Here I am in this journey, my life. i live, I act - a hollow shell inching towards my death. Is that to be feared? To be embraced? Or to be ignored? Does death offer any more meaning than life? Any less?

Meditations while bored at work

There is no past, no future - only the now. The now is constantly changing but always new. It is always now.

Yesterday is an illusion - the future is a dream. To live in the past is to risk missing the moment, but then, if there is only now how can the moment be missed? So it seems that all we can do is live now - all that is at risk is the quality of now.

When we worry or are angry it is usually the case that we are dwelling on what has happened or what we fear will happen - seldom is the object of our stress now. Even more rare are the times that our present justifies the energy and stress we carried.

How does morality play out in a doctrine of now? Well, right is right regardless of when.....isn't it? What is it that makes right, right? God? If so, which one? Nature? Nature is often cruel, pitiless and driven by/for survival. In that sense, survival is the criteria of right - all else is relative and temporal.

But what of now? It seems to be constantly changing, but that has the taste of illusion as well. Time is a tool and has no value outside of its function, no reality behind the concept. Or is it just the smallness of our lives, of my life, that hides the reality of time?

The longer I no longer believe the less it seems to matter.