Future Goals

Well, well, well. Out of nowhere, I have a dream! Okay, so it's not really out of nowhere, but it has been like a light-bulb coming on. The past few years I have been essentially drifting through life without any real goals or lasting motivation. In a bout of daily idle imagination at work I began to pull together a goal that would engage some of my primary interests into a possible business plan that is workable and that has real potential for satisfaction. I will never get rich from this idea, but hey, I've never really cared too much about that. There is quite a bit for me to do, including putting some serious energy into my interests, something that apathy and aimlessness has been hindering me from doing. No, it is not a terribly original idea, but it is an idea that makes me, dare I say, happy.

All of this inspired from listening to a young man lay out his future plans in front of judge before being sentenced. When asked by the judge, "what are your plans for when you get out" he responded without hesitation, "I want to be an under-water welder." What a great idea, I thought! Combining diving, no doubt a sport he was quite interested in and would enjoy immensely, with a profitable trade. An exciting mix of business with pleasure. That was the indirect sign-post for me that I don't have to be trapped in mundane, boring work just to make a buck. There is freedom and hope to engage in my interests and to still pay the bills.

Well, this is all nice and dreamy, but there is real work that needs to be done....luckily I am already on the way and have already made some plans towards fulfilling this dream in progress. A tentative target of 5 years with a possible 2 year start date. I'm excited to see where this will go.

I have lost confidence in my own instincts. This is tragic. My instincts tell me one thing but I second guess them, trying to see all angles, trying to see if my instincts are being driven by selfishness - hmmm, that may be the truth of it, my instincts are probably driving by selfishness, or at least self-preservation, and by god I need to re-learn to trust them again.

Year by year, month by month, day by day, I am dying, losing myself, drowning in the domestic prison I have led myself into. I am not who I was. I am not who I want to be. I am who I have become through my own choices. Can considerate choices be the wrong ones? I think so. Wrong for me, at least. This cage, this self-inflicted imprisonment - I could flee it but am bound by my own word. Bound by my compassion for those I share it with. But my selfishness twist compassion into something less pure, something poisoned and full of self pity. I could be free but not without harming those I have promised not to harm. I should not have to flee my prison to be free, but I don't feel free to develope the depths of strength, of mind and heart to be free within the bounds of my cage.

It is no wonder that the Buddha left his family to seek liberation. What once seemed perverse now seems so understandable. I'm dying inside. I want to be free. But I won't free myself. It seems that I will have to find a way to be free within my chains.