Another day has passed, chores completed and the daily drama unfolded. One day closer to death but no closer to truly living. Going through the motions
And so another day passes by and still I wonder why.

I trap myself by my own stubborn refusal to be happy - does it matter that my happiness would create unhappiness for others? Obviously it matters to me, but I can't seem to find the reason behind the madness. It's interesting that my three spiritual guides (if I can call them that) - Jesus, Buddha, and Lao Tzu - all made choices contrary to the happiness of their families and friends. Okay, so against their superficial and presumed happiness, but their families didn't know that. And lets be honest, I can pretend that I hold any intentions of similar nobility as Buddha or Jesus. Maybe I just dream of peace, and quiet, and attaining just a little of what I imagine my potential to be. Or maybe I just feel like an old dog that wants to wander off into the valley, grow old and die in peace.

But then, maybe it doesn't really matter because what I feel now is not what I felt yesterday (or even this morning). You know, it really does get tiresome, this not seeing any meaning or point to life. Well, I suppose I think that the point of life is living, but then that takes me back to being trapped by all of my choices of yester-year, the bondage or responsibility and commitment. So what to do when you can't really live the life you want to live (no matter that how humble that want be), especially when you can't find the point to wanting to live the way you want to live. Hope and apathy make poor bed-fellows.

I'm pretty sure I should have been a monastic or hermit. Of course, one that lived close enough to town so that I could slip in and socialize when I so desired. And one close enough to a good bookstore - I wonder if it would be hard to find a cave with comfy couch, satellite tv and the Internet. Oh, and a lake view, set in rolling hills and a snow-free climate. Would it be too much to have some good teachers on hand too?

Hmm, maybe my dream life is not so humble. I guess it doesn't really matter since I can't attain any of those things anyways. So what can I attain within the life I do live? Precious little, if truth be told. Of course, that may be self-fulfilling prophecy since I can't hold onto motivation or meaning - kind of like picking up a handful of sand and watching it slip through my fingers.

Damn, but my cat has life figured out better than me. Why can't I make it as simple as he does? Sleep, stretch, eat, sleep, stretch, play, sleep eat...and all the wonderful natural functions of the body embraced with as much concern as a wandering thought.

I suppose it would help if I could either rediscover the faith that sustained me for years or, failing that, finally leave it behind once and for all. Instead, I keep looking back, like a dog returning to his vomit as it were. I suppose it is okay, since I don't have anything to move forward to. But again, maybe going forward would be easier or more naturally accommodated if I was holding onto the past. Sigh, the bible did mention something about the double minded man - that's me, do doubt.