I have to recognize and accept that I am deeply imprinted by my christian journey. At times when I try to cut what I think is the final string I feel compelled, gently to look back, reconsider and ease back into the emotive of my past faith. Of course, the cycle continues in that I don't loose sight of my lack of faith in the core doctrines of the faith (eg. trinity).

Clearly I don't want to fully break away from my christian past, even though I don't know how I could ever reconcile the unreasonableness of some doctrines in the light of the grossly political and carnal struggles that led the expression of the doctrines.

And yet, I can't deny that I did experience trans formative power through my gospel journey.

My faith journey has leaned strongly in the direction of Taoism and Buddhism. Taoism seems to resonate with me in an intimate way, and yet, I see the shadows of similar obstacles as I found in Christianity. Both Buddhism and Taoism were central in intrigues and struggles for power and favor before the Chinese emperors. Both appear to contain faith tenants that require, it seems to me, a suspension of reason.

In many ways I consider Christianity, Taoism, and Buddhism my 'three jewels' of faith. Each speaks to me and captures my imagination. In each I intuit and recognize a kindred spirit with myself. And in each case I am unable, or unwilling, to go 'all the way'.

I am waiting for clarity, and if I stare long enough at the christian and Taoist path respectively I can see a dusty trail winding before me. But I am still unable, unwilling to commit to either path. I don't want to make a mistake, to choose the wrong direction. I need to balance my family commitments and responsibilities with my faith journey as well.

The other day I went out with some people close to me - we had a great time, but more importantly to me I had almost a mini spiritual awakening. It was neither purely christian or purely Taoist - maybe that is an indication that to label the path is mostly illusion/ignorance? But I did feel a spiritual awakening. Well, oddly enough I entered into a conversation with the waitress as she brought our orders throughout the night and interestingly enough she was a Buddhist and yogic practitioner about to depart on her own journey to Hong Kong and beyond, seeking to follow where her spirit leads. As she walked away she looked at me and said, "you will be a Sifu". Now, I realize there is a superficiality to this conversation, but there were moments of social intimacy that was deeper than her just working for tips. And yes, she was likely just being kind when she said I will be Sifu, but never the less it struck a cord in me. For a long time I have known that I am happiest teaching and helping others. I trained for years to become a Pastor only to have the bottom fall out on me (loss of faith). After that I turned my mind towards a dream of becoming a Sifu, teaching Taijiquan. Caught between traditions, I have attained neither dream.

What is clear is that I don't want to do the job I am doing for the next 30 years. But, it is mostly a good job, although management is doing its best to make it otherwise. I am looking intently for another direction, one that resonates with those things that resonate with me most closely. I see directions I can follow, but am hung up on my sense of responsibility to meet the material needs of family commitments. And I am rebuked by the idea that I keep avoiding but can't escape, that until I live and cultivate myself as a sifu in the conditions I find myself, I will never find the path I am looking for.