If I accept that I am an animal, I maintain that i am a human animal. Instinct wrestles with reason, personality strains against conditioning while appetite, need, and desire struggle under the illusion of self and in the shadow of death.


When I first lost my faith I felt as if I had fallen into a chasm and tried to claw and climb my way out. It felt dark and empty, with no sense of direction. That was several years ago, and over time I have come to recognize that I had not fallen into a dark, blind chasm, but onto a another side of the mountain with a wide, open horizon with possibly limitless potential. I previously saw only darkness because I was facing the mountian, pressing up against it with my back to the open expanse behind me.

This journey is challenging, but definitely interesting. There is so much to learn, and much to assimilate and reject. I am an animal with instinct and fear, a sense of self (often misguided) and a reason that wrestles with my intuition. I suppose the journey is to find balance between the senses and the mind. I don't think I will anytime soon crack the mysteries of life...but hopefully along the way I can enjoy what I can enjoy. It seems that life is far beyond what I can see, and possibly far beyond what I can imagine. Perhaps it is terrible in its truth and my hope for something greater is illusion. But perhaps not.

We want to know the truth until we actually know it. Sometimes the truth is just to terrible to accept. And sometimes we find it terrible because were holding onto illusions and desires.