On Hold

"If God puts you on hold, don't hang up."

Every day as I drive to and from work I pass a local church with a public message board that usually contains a cheesy little thought. The other day when I passed by, the above quote was posted on it, and although it is in its own right cheesy, it caught my attention. In my faith journey I have recently come to terms with the reality that I am post-christian. I did not leave off faith easily and still occasionally catch myself looking back, hoping to see or experience/feel that touch of the divine once more. Alas, faith in the christian gospel seems to be beyond my reach at this stage of my journey, but I can't help keeping my thumb in a theological idea: that perhaps, just perhaps, I am just going through a desert expeience, that god has withdrawn his hand to test/refine/prove me - that one day I shall once again abound with faith. For all intents and purposes, I am a sincere agnostic, not atheist, and am entirely open to a manifestation/understanding/experience of the divine that would restore my faith - but I am not hopeful. My day to day experience is increasingly becoming that of a practical atheist (although I am not in fact an atheist - while no longer believing in the christian theory of god I have not turned my back on the possibility or conceptual theory of (a) god). As I read the cheesy church message it really did strike me - perhaps god has indeed put me on hold? It actually made me smile, and the quaintness of it appealed to me. But then, I began to consider it more closely. If god put me on hold, why didn't he let me know that? Why would he do that? How long am I supposed to wait? And can god's silence really affect my conceptual, experiential understanding so dramatically? If god is not directly in communion with me, can I lose my faith? If so, what faith did I really have? More and more questions began to be formulated as a result of that sign. I guess the reality that my deconversion has been a long (relatively) process, and if I had in fact been put on hold, I doubt if I could trace back to when that would have happened (how long have I been talking to myself, not realizing god had put the phone down?). In the end, the sign was a pleasant reminder of the mystery of faith - the mystery that is so clouded as to become meaningless.