Could it be that the search for a path for my life is actually blinding me to the the very thing I am looking for? Is it possible to miss a vast part of our life experiences because we are constantly looking ahead (or trapped by the past)?
I seem to have gotten it into my head that I must choose what it is I want to do with my life, primarily at this point regarding a career path. But what about today - I have not stopped living, waiting for my real life to miraculously appear. Life is present tense, not future. Yet I am failing to fully appreciate the moment, to savor life as it unfolds. I am getting the sneaky suspicion that I cannot find the path because I am looking away from myself (and looking to hard) to find it - kinda like looking for my hat when its already on my head.
"It is good to have an end to journey toward,
But it is the journey that matters in the end."
Ursula K. Le Guin
"Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans"
John Lennon
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Sunday, January 28, 2007
The Failure of God
Just. Righteous. Good. Loving. These are just some of the descriptors used of the christian god, and I imagine that those of other faiths would give a nod of recognition that they could easily be used to describe their gods. But do any of those words speak to the experience of all people, in all places?
Just. Even the prophets of old despaired that there is no justice in the world. The wicked prosper, and the righteous are trampled down.
Righteous. Can this be measured by our experience or knowledge? Job offered a challenge to god, full of faith that god would and could meet that challenge - and what did he discover? That god mocked his mortality, his finite understanding. God demanded Job to reach beyond his nature, beyond the nature that god himself had supposedly created, and mocked Job further when he could not. God thrust his might and power, his awesome greatness before Job. God in essence terrified Job with his indignation. It is no surprise that Job, already broken by his suffering, recanted his challenge ( a challenge offered in faith and hope) and submitted to gods obvious greatness. Righteousness? I am not convinced.
Good. The suffering of millions cries out to be heard, to be relieved. The silence of god is deafening. The relief of suffering is withheld. Starvation, war, disease, rape, murder, slavery .... these are not things from a distant past, but the terrible reality that faces millions of men, women, and children every day, every year. Is humanity not responsible for its own sins...yes and no. Yes and no. There is indeed much guilt in human history, but there are also many, many victims. Are those unable to heal themselves, to "save themselves," to be held responsible for their suffering and demise? Shall the child born with aids be blamed for his suffering? What of the mighty and strong that withhold help, withhold healing? What of a god that is proclaimed to be compassionate, loving, and good? Where is his healing hand? Does the suffering of a lonely prophet thousands of years ago atone for the millions of lives destroyed and maimed throughout history?
Loving. Ah, love. True love is truly sweet, very powerful. How is this known? Because of the sweet vitality of the imperfect love offered and experienced in human relations. And here lies the key. Love, to have value - to have meaning, must be experienced. To talk of love will fill the imagination, but unless it touches one in the realm of experience it will only be an empty sound, a hollow promise - empty of all true power. The gospel is full of talk of love. Of gods love. It is a message of love sent over time, thousands of years ago. But how far from our daily experience this love can be. I told you I love you once (thousands of years ago), and if I change my mind I will let you know. Is this the love of god? God loves me. Why do I have cancer? Well let me guess, maybe he is teaching me. Maybe I sinned. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I must guess because god will not tell. His love is silent.
How many souls have cried out to the Just, Righteous, Good, Loving god, only to be answered with silence. Is this the whole story of god? A word here and there scattered over the centuries, delivered to a privileged, secluded few? Perhaps there is more, but how can we know? We are but dust and so far have not been able to find the answers.
Just. Even the prophets of old despaired that there is no justice in the world. The wicked prosper, and the righteous are trampled down.
Righteous. Can this be measured by our experience or knowledge? Job offered a challenge to god, full of faith that god would and could meet that challenge - and what did he discover? That god mocked his mortality, his finite understanding. God demanded Job to reach beyond his nature, beyond the nature that god himself had supposedly created, and mocked Job further when he could not. God thrust his might and power, his awesome greatness before Job. God in essence terrified Job with his indignation. It is no surprise that Job, already broken by his suffering, recanted his challenge ( a challenge offered in faith and hope) and submitted to gods obvious greatness. Righteousness? I am not convinced.
Good. The suffering of millions cries out to be heard, to be relieved. The silence of god is deafening. The relief of suffering is withheld. Starvation, war, disease, rape, murder, slavery .... these are not things from a distant past, but the terrible reality that faces millions of men, women, and children every day, every year. Is humanity not responsible for its own sins...yes and no. Yes and no. There is indeed much guilt in human history, but there are also many, many victims. Are those unable to heal themselves, to "save themselves," to be held responsible for their suffering and demise? Shall the child born with aids be blamed for his suffering? What of the mighty and strong that withhold help, withhold healing? What of a god that is proclaimed to be compassionate, loving, and good? Where is his healing hand? Does the suffering of a lonely prophet thousands of years ago atone for the millions of lives destroyed and maimed throughout history?
Loving. Ah, love. True love is truly sweet, very powerful. How is this known? Because of the sweet vitality of the imperfect love offered and experienced in human relations. And here lies the key. Love, to have value - to have meaning, must be experienced. To talk of love will fill the imagination, but unless it touches one in the realm of experience it will only be an empty sound, a hollow promise - empty of all true power. The gospel is full of talk of love. Of gods love. It is a message of love sent over time, thousands of years ago. But how far from our daily experience this love can be. I told you I love you once (thousands of years ago), and if I change my mind I will let you know. Is this the love of god? God loves me. Why do I have cancer? Well let me guess, maybe he is teaching me. Maybe I sinned. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I must guess because god will not tell. His love is silent.
How many souls have cried out to the Just, Righteous, Good, Loving god, only to be answered with silence. Is this the whole story of god? A word here and there scattered over the centuries, delivered to a privileged, secluded few? Perhaps there is more, but how can we know? We are but dust and so far have not been able to find the answers.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Still searching for a point.
I have a relatively easy life. No major crisis, health isn't too bad, family is good - but like everyone else it seems that we go from problem to problem, spinning the wheels but never seeming to get where we want.
Looking back at the past 15 years or so, there were some good times, but mostly I see the poor choices, or the good choices from that vantage point that no longer hold any value from this one. Mostly I am thinking of education and career choices, but I could include relationships, finances, travel etc. I spent year after year in post-secondary education training for the ministry. Every resource at my disposal was turned towards that goal....and now I no believe what I once believed, and I find myself looking back at all those years with an empty feeling in my heart. All those sacrifices, time and money spent, opportunities missed - all of it for apparently nothing. I am left with education that is mostly useless outside of christian ministry, debts hanging over my head, no pension to speak of beyond the soon-to-be depleted CPP, and my prime years spent denying worldly pleasures chasing after a fantasy.
I'm left with no career, no career aspirations, and no real means of pursuing a new career if it requires further education or resources. All this because I chased a dream, a dream that I fervently believed in and cherished, only to wake up to find that I no longer cherish the dream, that I now see it as just that, a dream. And yet, I still have a family that needs me to actively contribute. The two best choices that I see before me: one will lead me into a lifestyle I don't want to return to, the other would require that I embrace even greater debt (if I can even get someone to lend me anymore money) to get a job that would provide a lifestyle I want, but that would almost certainly lead me into greater boredom at work.
So, overall, not the worst situation to be in, but all the same I look at it with great apathy - what does it all really matter. I'm essentially of tired of chasing dreams, going to school, digging debt, looking for that perfect career....I just want to go to work, come home, and make the slow approach of death as comfortable as possible. I have a job that pays decent, not great, but that has no security. I could get 10 hours of work this week, and forty hours next week...furthermore I could be out of work any given year. Hardly something to base my future security on. What to do, what to do.
What is the point of all this? Well, nothing, I guess. That is the point, that there is no point. There is just life, lived well or otherwise, and no second chances to fix the hind-sight view. What is cherished today can turn out to be not so special tomorrow, but nothing can change the decisions of the past. Life is, and then we die. No more, no less.
Looking back at the past 15 years or so, there were some good times, but mostly I see the poor choices, or the good choices from that vantage point that no longer hold any value from this one. Mostly I am thinking of education and career choices, but I could include relationships, finances, travel etc. I spent year after year in post-secondary education training for the ministry. Every resource at my disposal was turned towards that goal....and now I no believe what I once believed, and I find myself looking back at all those years with an empty feeling in my heart. All those sacrifices, time and money spent, opportunities missed - all of it for apparently nothing. I am left with education that is mostly useless outside of christian ministry, debts hanging over my head, no pension to speak of beyond the soon-to-be depleted CPP, and my prime years spent denying worldly pleasures chasing after a fantasy.
I'm left with no career, no career aspirations, and no real means of pursuing a new career if it requires further education or resources. All this because I chased a dream, a dream that I fervently believed in and cherished, only to wake up to find that I no longer cherish the dream, that I now see it as just that, a dream. And yet, I still have a family that needs me to actively contribute. The two best choices that I see before me: one will lead me into a lifestyle I don't want to return to, the other would require that I embrace even greater debt (if I can even get someone to lend me anymore money) to get a job that would provide a lifestyle I want, but that would almost certainly lead me into greater boredom at work.
So, overall, not the worst situation to be in, but all the same I look at it with great apathy - what does it all really matter. I'm essentially of tired of chasing dreams, going to school, digging debt, looking for that perfect career....I just want to go to work, come home, and make the slow approach of death as comfortable as possible. I have a job that pays decent, not great, but that has no security. I could get 10 hours of work this week, and forty hours next week...furthermore I could be out of work any given year. Hardly something to base my future security on. What to do, what to do.
What is the point of all this? Well, nothing, I guess. That is the point, that there is no point. There is just life, lived well or otherwise, and no second chances to fix the hind-sight view. What is cherished today can turn out to be not so special tomorrow, but nothing can change the decisions of the past. Life is, and then we die. No more, no less.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Tires Still Spinning
Well, here I am in a new year - what has changed? I am making a concerted effort to eat healthier. I'm ditching the Doritio's (mostly) and the junk food, giving up late night snacking - and most importantly (and most enjoyably) I am making a deeper commitment to getting to the gym (dojo) to train. So far, so good. In fact, so excellent. My fruit/vegetable intake has doubled, junk snacks have been almost entirely absent, and I have been a regular at the gym.
The eating healthy thing is harder - I don't mind eating fruit and veggies, but I love junk food. Still, I am enjoying the experience so far. Working out has been exciting - our club has just begun to introduce Brazilian Jujitsu to the schedule! I can't get enough of it.
Anything else different? Not really. I am still wrestling with the continuing education. Time and money, and the unfortunate reality that a Masters degree doesn't exactly open any job opportunities, but it does cost a lot of money to get. I'm not sure if it is something I should be throwing my limited resources towards, but for a lack of a better option I guess I will continue to pluck away at it. At least it is something to work towards.
Overall, I feel that I am just spinning my tires - not really getting anywhere. Of course, who says I should have to get anywhere? But it would be nice to have a goal to work towards. This whole losing my faith thing has brought some career challenges. Having spent years training for and being involved in christian ministry, I suddenly have to face the fact that my education is next to useless and I need to find a new career path to support my family. Well, a new year, new opportunities, I suppose.
I have just registered for another course in my masters degree (that would be #2): Before & Beyond the Gospels
It should be reasonably interesting - perhaps I might learn something!
The eating healthy thing is harder - I don't mind eating fruit and veggies, but I love junk food. Still, I am enjoying the experience so far. Working out has been exciting - our club has just begun to introduce Brazilian Jujitsu to the schedule! I can't get enough of it.
Anything else different? Not really. I am still wrestling with the continuing education. Time and money, and the unfortunate reality that a Masters degree doesn't exactly open any job opportunities, but it does cost a lot of money to get. I'm not sure if it is something I should be throwing my limited resources towards, but for a lack of a better option I guess I will continue to pluck away at it. At least it is something to work towards.
Overall, I feel that I am just spinning my tires - not really getting anywhere. Of course, who says I should have to get anywhere? But it would be nice to have a goal to work towards. This whole losing my faith thing has brought some career challenges. Having spent years training for and being involved in christian ministry, I suddenly have to face the fact that my education is next to useless and I need to find a new career path to support my family. Well, a new year, new opportunities, I suppose.
I have just registered for another course in my masters degree (that would be #2): Before & Beyond the Gospels
It should be reasonably interesting - perhaps I might learn something!
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