Still searching for a point.

I have a relatively easy life. No major crisis, health isn't too bad, family is good - but like everyone else it seems that we go from problem to problem, spinning the wheels but never seeming to get where we want.

Looking back at the past 15 years or so, there were some good times, but mostly I see the poor choices, or the good choices from that vantage point that no longer hold any value from this one. Mostly I am thinking of education and career choices, but I could include relationships, finances, travel etc. I spent year after year in post-secondary education training for the ministry. Every resource at my disposal was turned towards that goal....and now I no believe what I once believed, and I find myself looking back at all those years with an empty feeling in my heart. All those sacrifices, time and money spent, opportunities missed - all of it for apparently nothing. I am left with education that is mostly useless outside of christian ministry, debts hanging over my head, no pension to speak of beyond the soon-to-be depleted CPP, and my prime years spent denying worldly pleasures chasing after a fantasy.

I'm left with no career, no career aspirations, and no real means of pursuing a new career if it requires further education or resources. All this because I chased a dream, a dream that I fervently believed in and cherished, only to wake up to find that I no longer cherish the dream, that I now see it as just that, a dream. And yet, I still have a family that needs me to actively contribute. The two best choices that I see before me: one will lead me into a lifestyle I don't want to return to, the other would require that I embrace even greater debt (if I can even get someone to lend me anymore money) to get a job that would provide a lifestyle I want, but that would almost certainly lead me into greater boredom at work.

So, overall, not the worst situation to be in, but all the same I look at it with great apathy - what does it all really matter. I'm essentially of tired of chasing dreams, going to school, digging debt, looking for that perfect career....I just want to go to work, come home, and make the slow approach of death as comfortable as possible. I have a job that pays decent, not great, but that has no security. I could get 10 hours of work this week, and forty hours next week...furthermore I could be out of work any given year. Hardly something to base my future security on. What to do, what to do.

What is the point of all this? Well, nothing, I guess. That is the point, that there is no point. There is just life, lived well or otherwise, and no second chances to fix the hind-sight view. What is cherished today can turn out to be not so special tomorrow, but nothing can change the decisions of the past. Life is, and then we die. No more, no less.