In thinking things through a bit further re: my old life - there are some things that I
am glad I have moved on from. Certain beliefs are indeed best left behind, but the spirit of community, the desire and practice of helping people, the opportunity to teach, guide, and mentor - those things I dearly miss.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
Christmas Eve
Merry Christmas.
When I lost Jesus, I lost my identity. I lost my direction.
As I sat in church tonight listening to the christmas worship it struck me hard. I wish I still believed. I wish I could believe again. As in the past, I draw close, I open myself up to the siren call of faith - only to have it fall apart as I approach the threshold of belief.
Yet it is my old life that I long for. Interesting thought, that. My old life - not the old, old life prior to my christian journey (for that was nothing short of emotional hell). But my old life of born again faith. Hope, confidence, and transformative faith. I have a good life now, I enjoy the new friendships I have made, I like my job etc. But it is not what I love. It is not what I had dedicated my life to for so many years. It is what I can no longer have. So many christians, proud in their faith (as I must have been) have it in their heads that those of us that lose faith have 'chosen' our path. We may have chosen to 'accept' that path - but I for one did not choose this path. I will walk it - I must walk it with as much integrity as I can - but I did not choose it.
When I lost Jesus, I lost my identity. I lost my direction.
As I sat in church tonight listening to the christmas worship it struck me hard. I wish I still believed. I wish I could believe again. As in the past, I draw close, I open myself up to the siren call of faith - only to have it fall apart as I approach the threshold of belief.
Yet it is my old life that I long for. Interesting thought, that. My old life - not the old, old life prior to my christian journey (for that was nothing short of emotional hell). But my old life of born again faith. Hope, confidence, and transformative faith. I have a good life now, I enjoy the new friendships I have made, I like my job etc. But it is not what I love. It is not what I had dedicated my life to for so many years. It is what I can no longer have. So many christians, proud in their faith (as I must have been) have it in their heads that those of us that lose faith have 'chosen' our path. We may have chosen to 'accept' that path - but I for one did not choose this path. I will walk it - I must walk it with as much integrity as I can - but I did not choose it.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
A hell of a laugh!
A follow up to my reading of "The mountain of Silence":
An interesting little passage in the book is talking about elders, a life of surrendered suffering, and hell. The author is speaking with the primary monk, Father Maximos and another lady. Father Maximos is telling the story of a contemporary saint (deceased at the time of writing) who lived under the authority of an angry, bitter elder. This heroic monk suffered for 42 years lest the grace of god depart from him. Well, after the angry old elder dies the hero monk has a vision of the angry elder suffering in hell, seperated from god. Tragedy arises on so many levels in this story, but it is the following passage that caught my attention:
"Father Maximos stopped for a few moments and smiled as he looked at our faces that mirrored incredulity. Then he proceeded. "There is more to this story. One day while elder Ephraim [the tragic hero monk] was in deep prayer, he had a vision. With the Grace of the Holy Spirit he realized that his elder, upon his death, was cut off from God and was suffering in Hell."
"It does not suprise me, " Maria quipped, and we all laughed."
Emphasis added by me. Of this entire book, which I have casually enjoyed overall, those last words ring loudest for me......as they thought of a fellow monk, one who had inadvertedly been a blessing to Father Ephraim, suffering in hell the laughed. What a shallow, revealing passage. The thought of another human being who was at worst grumpy and mean, suffering in hell was funny to them. Expected and funny. How does this speak of their supposed belief in not only hell, but of agape love?
Firstly, if they truly believed in hell, would they laugh? Would not, should not, the thought of a person suffering in hell (however you defined it) conjure some emotion other than humor? Perhaps sadness, pity, dare I say - compassion? It seems to reveal to me that they do not truly beleive in hell - empty words echoing empty creeds.
Secondly, the entire story is an odd expression of agape love - to say the least. The misery of that Father Ephraim suffered for 42 years pales compared to the supposed misery of hell - and it was the casual acceptance of that fate that flies directly in the face of agape love.
This is just one example of the casual lack of integrity in the minds of christian soldiers.
Secondly
An interesting little passage in the book is talking about elders, a life of surrendered suffering, and hell. The author is speaking with the primary monk, Father Maximos and another lady. Father Maximos is telling the story of a contemporary saint (deceased at the time of writing) who lived under the authority of an angry, bitter elder. This heroic monk suffered for 42 years lest the grace of god depart from him. Well, after the angry old elder dies the hero monk has a vision of the angry elder suffering in hell, seperated from god. Tragedy arises on so many levels in this story, but it is the following passage that caught my attention:
"Father Maximos stopped for a few moments and smiled as he looked at our faces that mirrored incredulity. Then he proceeded. "There is more to this story. One day while elder Ephraim [the tragic hero monk] was in deep prayer, he had a vision. With the Grace of the Holy Spirit he realized that his elder, upon his death, was cut off from God and was suffering in Hell."
"It does not suprise me, " Maria quipped, and we all laughed."
Emphasis added by me. Of this entire book, which I have casually enjoyed overall, those last words ring loudest for me......as they thought of a fellow monk, one who had inadvertedly been a blessing to Father Ephraim, suffering in hell the laughed. What a shallow, revealing passage. The thought of another human being who was at worst grumpy and mean, suffering in hell was funny to them. Expected and funny. How does this speak of their supposed belief in not only hell, but of agape love?
Firstly, if they truly believed in hell, would they laugh? Would not, should not, the thought of a person suffering in hell (however you defined it) conjure some emotion other than humor? Perhaps sadness, pity, dare I say - compassion? It seems to reveal to me that they do not truly beleive in hell - empty words echoing empty creeds.
Secondly, the entire story is an odd expression of agape love - to say the least. The misery of that Father Ephraim suffered for 42 years pales compared to the supposed misery of hell - and it was the casual acceptance of that fate that flies directly in the face of agape love.
This is just one example of the casual lack of integrity in the minds of christian soldiers.
Secondly
Monday, December 03, 2007
Teddy-Bear of death
It is almost unbelievable. The news has offered the story of a school teacher that suffered religious abuse for daring to allow an 8 year old child in her class to name a teddy bear, Mohammed. The outrage was so intense that she felt obliged to leave the country. According to the news some poor offended adults were even calling for the death penalty on the teacher. The sheer ignorance of such behavior is appalling, and I don't mean the behavior of either the child or the teacher.
What absolute nonsense. Fear our religion or we will kill you. Mindless barbarism, nothing more. The irony is that those who cry for the blood of teddy bear supporters would scream bloody murder (pun intended) if anyone in Canada tried to infringe upon their religious liberties. In Canada we are so leary of offending someone else's religious senitivities that we cannot openly enjoy our own. We must put our culture and faith on hold for the sake of those immigrating from foreign cultures - to the point of denying our own culture. Yet in many cases if we travelled abroad we would quickly find that our culture must still be denied lest we be thrown in jail, threatened with violence and/or death. Wonderful. In our home country we must deny our faith and culture, and abroad in the greater world we must deny our faith and culture.
This is very similar to the little judo girl in the news last week - she was scandalized because she could not enter a judo competition while wearing her religious head dress. Forget that the rules were in place years before she was even born - no, judo ontario must deny its own culture in order to appease the religious sensitivities of an 11 year old girl! I am disgusted by those who wage such oppressive and intolerant wars. Why must we cower before the hypocracy of those who demand their own preferences at the expense of others. Once upon a time Canada had a culture of its own - it is a shame that it has clearly fallen to the wayside in the name of perverted tolerance.
What absolute nonsense. Fear our religion or we will kill you. Mindless barbarism, nothing more. The irony is that those who cry for the blood of teddy bear supporters would scream bloody murder (pun intended) if anyone in Canada tried to infringe upon their religious liberties. In Canada we are so leary of offending someone else's religious senitivities that we cannot openly enjoy our own. We must put our culture and faith on hold for the sake of those immigrating from foreign cultures - to the point of denying our own culture. Yet in many cases if we travelled abroad we would quickly find that our culture must still be denied lest we be thrown in jail, threatened with violence and/or death. Wonderful. In our home country we must deny our faith and culture, and abroad in the greater world we must deny our faith and culture.
This is very similar to the little judo girl in the news last week - she was scandalized because she could not enter a judo competition while wearing her religious head dress. Forget that the rules were in place years before she was even born - no, judo ontario must deny its own culture in order to appease the religious sensitivities of an 11 year old girl! I am disgusted by those who wage such oppressive and intolerant wars. Why must we cower before the hypocracy of those who demand their own preferences at the expense of others. Once upon a time Canada had a culture of its own - it is a shame that it has clearly fallen to the wayside in the name of perverted tolerance.
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