Merry Christmas.
When I lost Jesus, I lost my identity. I lost my direction.
As I sat in church tonight listening to the christmas worship it struck me hard. I wish I still believed. I wish I could believe again. As in the past, I draw close, I open myself up to the siren call of faith - only to have it fall apart as I approach the threshold of belief.
Yet it is my old life that I long for. Interesting thought, that. My old life - not the old, old life prior to my christian journey (for that was nothing short of emotional hell). But my old life of born again faith. Hope, confidence, and transformative faith. I have a good life now, I enjoy the new friendships I have made, I like my job etc. But it is not what I love. It is not what I had dedicated my life to for so many years. It is what I can no longer have. So many christians, proud in their faith (as I must have been) have it in their heads that those of us that lose faith have 'chosen' our path. We may have chosen to 'accept' that path - but I for one did not choose this path. I will walk it - I must walk it with as much integrity as I can - but I did not choose it.
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