Is it wrong to want to live in a home surrounded by mountains, forests and lakes? Well, maybe it's not wrong, but it sure is damn expensive! I have wanted to move west for years, most of my adult life really, and always there was a reason not too. Now, I don't have a legitimate reason, but confound it all - I don't think I can afford too!!! Housing market is too expensive, I kinda don't have a job out there, and the cost of moving across canada is probably close to what I earn in a year. Perhaps I will slip over for a visit this summer and price things out, check the job market, and remind myself why I think I love the west. Ah life, always moving along teasing you with dreams and hopes only to pass them by.

It would be easier to accept christiainity if one could experience its power instead of always hearing about it. It's like the salesman that loves to hear his own voice when he should be quiet for a moment and let the product speak for itself.

Modern christianity seems content to talk people into believing instead of leading by example - the truth of the faith should be evident in the lives of the 'faithful'.

The inherent power of the gospel is seems to be inherently hard to see. Looking at the mass of christianity one is inclined to see a herd of sheep - although occassionally, perhaps rarely, one may notice the dull shine of a golden fleece amongst the herd.

I, for one, get tired of hearing about how wonderful something is. I'd much rather see it for myself and form my own opinion.

"This pity deceives itself regularly about its powers; woman would like to believe that love can achieve anything -- that is her characteristic faith. Alas, whoever knows the heart will guess how poor, stupid, helpless, arrogant, blundering, more apt to destroy than to save is even the best and profoundest love!"

These words by Nietzsche put love in a perspective that we don't tend to want to consider. Yet how true is it? Too me it hums with a truthfulness that is seldom heard. It has a familiarity that reminds me of my own poor attempts at loving.

Nietzsche goes on to say:

"It is possible that underneath the holy fable and disuise of Jesus' life there lies concealed one of the most painful cases of the martyrdom of knowledge about love; the martyrdom of the most innocent and desirous heart, never sated by an human love; demanding love, to be loved and nothing else, with hardness, with insanity, with terrible eruptions against those who denied him love; the story of a poor fellow, unsated and insatiable in love, who had to invent hell in order to send to it those who did now want to love him -- and who finally, having gained knowledge about human love, had to invent a god who is all love, all ability to love -- who has mercy on human love because it is so utterly wretched and unknowing. Anyone who feels that way, who knows this about love -- seeks death."

The beatiful contrast, the damning honesty - it stirrs an unholy amen within me. It speaks the words my mind wrestled for in the shadows of my faith.

Court and community.

I can't help but wonder, why do the courts speak as if they are deferring to our communities as a whole when the courts are, for all practical purposes, so far removed from the average member of the community that they are in fact strangers?

One only has to observe the calloused neglect of victims of crime in deference to the sickening obsession with the protection of the accused to see that the courts are willfully blind to the concerns of the community.

Trapped by the past

Too often we are victims of our own ignorance. From our first waking breath we are obliged by the act of living to make decisions. The tragedy is not that we have to make decisions but that we must make these decisions based upon the limited information and understanding that we have from our experience and according to our limited natural abilities.

It seems to be a somewhat obvious fact hat we are often bound by the decisions we make. True, many decisions are small and on the surface inconsequential (although it could be argued that no decision is in fact inconsequential). And of course many decisions seem to lend themselves to positive responses and effects. Whether good or bad, all of our decisions bind us to a direction and experiences that we cannot possibly foresee or plan for.

It is a rare opportunity that offers us a chance to correct what we presently consider mistakes in the light of hind-sight. At times there is opportunity to change directions but the cost appears to be too high. Always there is choice, decisions to be made.

We are prisoners to our ignorance, bound by our choices and slaves to the illusion of free will.

Another step forward

Well, after giving one more kick at the can I have finally come to terms with the death of yet another dream. I had registered for another course towards my masters degree this fall only to find that (as I should have already known by now) it was a complete waste of time and money. I had no interest in the course material and found it terribly difficult to do even the simplest readings. So, without any further ado I withdrew from the course and emailed the registrar and withdrew from the program entirely.

Another door closed. I guess I will have to keep looking for meaning and direction. However, I'm not sure if I am ready to give up the quest of knowledge just yet. I am still enrolled at the Waterloo University, but that is for a BA degree, not a masters. Still, it does appear to offer a good selection of courses that seem rather interesting - it is just a question of money I suppose. Can I afford to throw more money away at yet another educational endeavor that will likely offer little in tangible returns? More to the point, can I even afford another course by the spring? Something to think about, but if I want to enroll for spring time (and money) is running out. Hmmmm, I say. Hmmmm.