How do you explain the observations of your emotions? Thoughts and feelings turn within regardless of what I tell myself. I direct my thoughts to recognize that my emotions are misguided, yet the passions still wells up within. Triggered by some trivial problem they have a life of their own. Once upon a time I revelled in my emotions, the ebb and flow the life blood that carried me. The highs and lows, sorrow and joy - all enjoyed and treasured. And the bliss of anger - the power, the passion....burns so bright but deceptive. I miss the bliss of anger. How have I changed? I have trained myself towards stoicism and in so doing have disarmed myself and robbed myself of skillful appropriation of emotion. I am no longer skilled in the dance of emotions - too long I have been content to simply observe my emotions and let them pass untouched. Too long I have ignored the exquisit sensations that emotions bring. Where once I revelled in emotions caress, today I struggled with them. And I really don't know why. Perhpas it is not my emotions that are confusing me, or at least not the root of the problem. Could ego be the silent dagger causing me pain? Was it pricked pride that stirred up my emotions? No doubt. Pride stung - whipped by the sense that I should react a certain way. I got sucked into the game of fools once again. A reminder that I have far to go, that ego is indeed a silent dagger that can bring much suffering. Overly concerned about what others think my day was stained with suffering. I allowed ego to unbalance me emotionally, to lose the rythm of my emotions. Recognize, accept, and observe - don't hold onto the emotion or lay claim to it. Recognize it as an honored guest, no, as a family member rightfully belonging in my life.

Still Trapped

I keep thinking, changing my thinking, changing my thinking - learning and forgetting and synthesizing it all through my clouded lenses of knowing. Thinking I know falls away to the realization that I don't know, shadowed by the hint that my realization is illusion. I am aware that I am struggling to be aware and occasionally I come to a flash of insight that I am not aware - struggling to awake without knowing what it is to be awake. Perhaps there is no awake, only unity. It may be that what I am struggling towards is not what I should be struggling towards -that struggling towards is istself misguided. Will I ever know? Will I ever be content not knowing? Can I rest in the midst of not knowing?