I want to get rich cause I'm tired of being poor. Nothing original there, but lately the material bug has been nipping me in my sleep. I've tried being rich in character, but I'm finding the grind of my past choices have ground me into a grinchy, mildly nihilistic young-old man. I seem presently incapable of looking back on the past 10 years without regret of missed opportunities and wasted potential. That is no way to live and of course I will not dwell too deeply on past decisions, but in so much as they affect today I need to consider them. More importantly I need to consider now. What can I do now. Where can I go now. Do I need to go or do anything now?
Well, in considering what I am discontent with in my life I think some changes would be good, although most change needed is internal - my thought patterns, my clinging to what I think I want.
Step one, to recognize that what I thought I wanted in the past is what caused me to place these imaginary shackles on my life today, and thus to be more discerning between what I think I want and what I really want. It is surprising how difficult it is to tell the difference.
Secondly, I don't need to go anywhere or do anything, I am potentially complete within myself. The geography and decorations with which I adorn myself are only superficial in nature and do not add or take away from me beyond what credit I give them. Of course potential has a way of being missed so I need to be mindful of what value I place on the externals to my life. If I chase the externals too doggedly I take a giant risk of losing myself and missing the whole expereince of life because I am too busy chasing instead of expereincing/living it.
My life is composed of both the internal and external. The external is interpreted and experienced through the internal - body, mind, spirit. My perception defines life for me and so, if my perception (the internal)is poor or misdirected than my experience of the external will not be full and whole. In this sense, whether I am in paradise on earth or stuck in a dead-end city in Ontario is more of a matter of perception than geography.
Thinking just now, I need to recognize that the above is largely based on a spiritual/wholistic sense rather than the where and now of who I am. Inner freedom within the external is a place I have in the past dwelt and is certainly where I wish to dwell again, but the reality is that I have been bitten by the materialistic bug. And how did that happen? Because my perception has been pecked away by my attachment to financial security, family commitments/demands as they conflict with my professed dreams, goals, and interests. Clarification here, my attachment is to the desire for financial security in the context of my lack of financial security. Where once I rejoiced in my freedom from a 9-5 job I am now feeling the desire to be debt free, to be able to do what I want, when I want and so my sense of freedom has been lost to the new attachment - in fact I believe my sense of freedom is truly lost within my past attachment to freedom. I want to be free and am clinging to that want so tightly that I am defeating myself emotionally because the external is pushing against my sense of freedom. In short, I am not free to do what I want and so I am unhappy. How sad, that I can so bind myself with ropes I thought I had removed.
Step three - and this is tied to step one - recognize that I am not doing what I think I want to the extent that I am presently able. For example, while I cannot presently attend classes under the tutalage of my sifu, I could be practicing what I already know at home. I want to grow deeper in my practice, but curiously I am not practicing even what I know. So, if I am not doing the little that I can it is likely I will not apply myelf to greater opportunities if they arise, nor will I be prepared for them. Little steps will cross the distance as surely as a giant leap, just not as quickly. However, without a consistant application of little steps I will not have built up the strenght and endurance for a giant leap if opportunity presents itself. So, consistant application and discipline in the little things I can do now, with an unclinging eye to what/where I want to be later.
Step four - despite how I may see things when I am feeling discouraged my past is not wasted regardless of what it was. There are always things to build upon, and not all expereinces that felt bad at the time were in fact bad. Having changed directions from the pastoral track I am often guilty of looking upon my theologicaly based education as being essentially worthless now. However, what I need to do is accept that it contributed to my personal formation and to find out how it can be applied to my current situation and future goals. Education is only wasted if the educated has failed to learn how to think. There is a sense in which the content is less important than the process and the excersise of the mind.
Step five is essential to all other steps - discipline.
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