Purpose

Another day has come and gone, and my journey is no closer to completion than it was this morning. I went to work, danced a familiar dance, one I have the nagging suspicion just about everyone in our society is dancing. Living the routine, talking the talk, laughing at the jokes, punching the clock, rushing home to care for the kids, do the chores, flip on the TV and vegetate until bed. Some kind of wonderful.
If I had a purpose would things be any better? Maybe I would go through the routine with more vigor, more zest. Would it make things better? More substantial? Would my purpose be anchored in tangible reality - would my purpose really matter? Some how I don't think so, at least, it may matter to me temporarily, but in the breath of time, everything, even my purpose, turns to sand. Well, that's how it seems from here. Perhaps past the grave things will look different, a new enlightened perspective. Then again, maybe the decomposition of our bodies provides a meaningful insight into the idea of meaning. Perhaps meaning is meaningless, a frail illusion resting on a will to live. At times awareness seems to be the greatest curse of all - awareness of oneself leads to a sense of need, desire to live, to survive. That desire is inevitable self-centered and has a strong tendency to lend itself to selfishness, from which so many vices and sins arise. I think that all sin can only be seen as acts of selfishness. Or is that so? What of the kind soul that lies to protect innocents? Could one really resolve the subtle nuances of it all? So, for general intents and purposes the root of sinfulness is selfishness. So, self awareness is the root of sin. Could the Buddha be correct? Does the drive for purpose rest also in self-awareness? I think that is obviously the case. I guess the deeper question is, why do we have self-awareness? Where did it come from? Did it evolve, or is it god given? If there was a clear, definitive answer to this life would certainly seem a bit clearer. One could move on without uncertainty, purpose could be defined or responded to with determination void of doubt. I envy those who simply believe, or don't believe, and are content at that. The constant questioning, the searching, is at times exhausting. On the one hand, how one understands life and eternity can be fraught with peril and ultimate tragedy. On the other hand, the search for meaning is only meaningful in a temporal, pragmatic way - with no universal or reality defining consequences. Oh, what a choice! Honestly, I would love to return to my christian faith, if, if I could be convinced that it is true again. I don't see that happening anytime soon, but I am open to it. In contrast to that, I have recently come to terms with my post-christian state, my loss of belief in the core theory of the church. In consequence, having lost my faith I have lost my sense of meaning, my sense of direction and purpose. At first this was disconcerting. At this stage I am learning to accept and embrace life as it appears - in all its glorious meaninglessness. Meaning seems to be derived from our experience and perception - conditioned by limited natural, internal responses to external stimuli. I am always amazed by my cat. He eats, sleeps, plays, licks himself, and not much more. And he doesn't seem too upset by that. He, as far as I can tell, isn't worrying about having a career, making a name for himself, getting on the sports team, owning a new car/house/boat/TV, or even about tomorrow. It seems to me that he has an enviable ability to live in the present moment. I suppose that if I got into his itty bitty mind I would recognize similar emotions as us, happiness, fear, anger, boredom etc...but I don't detect any trace of a sense of purpose, or a need for one. I suspect there will still be a sense of self - perhaps not as desperately aware as us - but a sense all the same. So maybe self-awareness is not the epitome of evil, perhaps it's a damaged sense of self, or misguided sense of self that is at the bottom of suffering and sin?
Interesting, Jesus pointed to relationship as the cure for selfishness, Buddha turned to oneself. I think both understood the problem with intense insight, and although apparently different in approach they worked on the same answer. Through loving community one can find wholeness, value, purpose, and meaning. Firstly, community with God, who is himself pictured as community (read trinity), brings healing to the individual, thus enabling one to enter freely and confidently into community. Community provides a sense of safety and acceptance, value and meaning. Buddha sought to heal the individual as an individual, but also recognized the necessity of community. Refuge in the Sangha is an integral part to Buddha's program of self-healing. Through self-healing, one is able to extend the fruit of that healing, compassion, to the community. It is interesting that even the Buddha's progam of self-salvation depends heavily upon community. The Dharma is shared via community. The Sangha is a place of refuge, and compassion can only be extended in community. The theory underlying each of these great faiths may differ, but the tangible experience of both draw the individual into community, and only there does the individual find satisfaction. True, healthy self-awareness can only be realized in community. Virtues are only virtues in the context of relationship. This (wholeness in community) may not answer the questions of meaning and purpose, but it can lead to contentment and peace.