The most powerful evidence against a holy, good, god is the legacy of humanity.

Is it not true that the moment we make a statement about ourselves that a dozen reasons why that statment is false, or at best incomplete, flashes through our mind? Is it so difficult to truly know ourselves...to define ourselves through any meaningful description or formula? Perhaps. Or is it simply the winds of change recognized only as in a fog - our attacment to the illusion of a 'self' that is free of change and transformation? Who is it that is viewing the change - unable to relinquish identity? Who am I? Who are you?

This easter has essentially been a spiritual bust in my home. The typical remembrance of the Christian easter story, private reflection, prayer, and meditation has been entirely lacking. And to tell the truth, I miss it. I am finding that I am increasingly (and at a rate that is a little alarming) becoming more and more secular and shedding more and more of my faith impossed inhibitions. Some I am glad to see go, others I am torn about. To be blunt, I miss faith. I miss the cosmic relationship I thought I had. I miss the connection to reality I thought I had, and the accompanying understanding and purpose. But try as I might, I find I cannot re-enter that spell of faith. If christianity is not the Truth, it certainly can offer some truth. Truth - more and more I can relate with the panged question, "what is truth?" I long for a Truth, and this easter's absence of spiritual relationship only serves to highlight that longing, that emptyness. I'm afraid that I am drifting to far, to fast away from my spiritual root - and broadcasting my new paganism too loadly. This easter I am certainly in agreement with that once proud evangelist turned atheist who said, "I miss Jesus." I can't have the Jesus that I once believed in (at least, not today), but I miss him.

For the lack of a better descriptor - I am an Agnostic. I can no longer lay claim to being christian and I cannot make that final blind step to Atheism. It has taken some time but I am finally resting in acceptance of the fact that I no longer believe what I had thought I could never disbelieve. Aware of the disdain that devout believers (christian and atheist alike) tend to shower upon Agnostics as fence sitters I have happily taken up camp - admittedly this is a temporary stop, but who really knows? I have recently (today) begun reading a book that I have several times almost purchased in the past (bought it yesterday) - a book entitled "The Life of Pi". I have only just begun, not knowing what I am in store for, and already it has encouraged me to think, or rethink, and has suggested that it may prove a thoughtful book. My Agnosticism rests upon studied doubt and skepticism....and thus I found this quote from the "Life of Pi" to be interesting and challenging:

"If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' the surely we are also permitted to doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation." (Italics mine)

All too often I have felt that I have succumb to the numbness of doubt - to apathy stemming from my Agnosticism. It may be that humanity is driven by a need for purpose and meaning - but it also seems to me that natural life screams out the meaningless and purposelessness of existence. Beyond the abstract illusions that we tend to cling to I see no intrinsic meaning in life. We are - we breath - we stop breathing - we die. The sun rises and falls. What more is there? Dreams and illusions, opium for the masses - but I want to live eyes open. I want dreams that I can touch - hopes that aren't' rooted in death, answers that aren't promised beyond the grave. I want to move on - but I don't yet see where to. Perhaps tomorrow. Perhaps.