I am hesitant to pick a path only to find that it is not the right one, but I am reluctant to simply wait until certainty has arrived because I am afraid to waste my years in idleness.

And yet,

I do not have to accomplish anything in this life.

I do not have to arrive anywhere in my life. There is no destination beyond the present.

The head chants what is sometimes felt. Back and forth, my double-mind. I feel as if I am stuttering between two traditions, unwilling to finally leave the first, unable to fully trust the second. It is funny that my experiences confirmed the first and that it was study and reason (so called) that has led me away. Yet the practice of my former faith led to a dynamic, peaceful, ego-emptying life. The result of my past faith, for me, sounds suspiciously like what is promised by the new tradition (new to me, but so very old). What to do, what to do. At the heart of it all, have nothing to do. I am, and so I am at peace. But in creeps those silly little matters like providing for ones family, paying bills, and finding a satisfying vocation. Alas, in those regards I can do nothing. Here-in lies the challenge of artificial directions. One path or the other, or both, but my little feet need to start walking. Casually, not racing, savoring the journey. Step by step, change by change until finally I am just being. So, choices to be made, but at the core, no choice.

I find it interesting that in exploring the new-old tradition it begins to sound more and more like the heights of my past tradition. Different narrative, same experience. Different disciplines, same result. Defined differently, feeling the same. Those things that are criticised are present in each tradition. It seems that the new-old tradition cuts to the chase a bit quicker than the modern expressions of my old tradition, yet the same principles exist in each. More to learn have I. More to forget I must.

Ideally I would simply sit, breath, and wait - and that I shall do, but familial responsibility sets some external constraints requiring directional decisions. Staying in the center I step by step.

Dancing in my mind a pattern weaving.
Eyes not seeing body moving,
rhythm finding its own way through me.

Stumbling steps seeking, guideless
Lost intention is lost, hence found.

Destination something not directed,
Presence something not expected
Peace not found until embraced.

Moving On - Update

Okay, so here is how things stand. No longer registered for a course at the seminary, still waiting to see how things fall at work, still registered for meditation course, still doing tai chi, still finding it difficult to live in the present because of choices of the past. But, I'm still moving forward. Take the gains with the losses, or rather, come refuse to cling to either the gains or the losses. Trying to just live.

It's true I am finding my balance slowly but surely. Just a small disclaimer - this blog is my place to vent, to cry out, to whimper - my root is deeper than it may appear. It is deep, and strong - it's just that in my journey I have reached an wallless impass and I am feeling out in different directions for a new direction. I feel as if I am standing in the prairies and can see for miles in all directions - all I have to do is start walking in one direction. My intuition is leading in one way and is tangled up in my reason. I am sorting it out, with the help of good friends (some with big sticks) in this virtual world.

Gratitude.

Dreams are illusion.

Regret is a poison.

Balance is found in the present lived free from both dreams and regret.

Moving on.

Well, things are moving along now. Plans are in place, short goals are being set and the future looks bright. Registered for a Shambhala meditation seminar early January and if plans work out will be attending with a good friend. I should prove to be a good weekend. The only possible negative that I can foresee is that another friend might be hosting a seminar with Rich Franklin (UFC) in January as well and that might very well happen while I'm at the mediation seminar. Hopefully not, but we shall see.
I've also enrolled in another course at the seminary I had recently quit....uh ya, they were kind enough to take me back. Anyways, I'm enrolled in a course called "the birth of theology". It is an introduction to patristic studies and the historical development of the church theology. Sounds interesting anyways. I've come to a place where I am no longer looking at courses as a means to future employment or as being dependent upon a faith infused perspective. I love studying history and religion and this course will serve to allow both in a context I am familiar with. Very nice, I know.
Things are changing at work. I've applied for one of the new full time positions that have come available (I have been a happy part-time worker for 4 years now). I really don't want to work full time, but it will provide some financial stability and perks....the downside is I will have to work all week, and that is really not a pleasant thought. If I get it then fine, if not then it will leave my schedule open to pursue further studies, mediation courses, and continued training in chen tai chi. I am finding that I am nestled right inbetween 3 traditions Taoism, Christianity, and Budhism.
I am coming to embrace my interests as simply healthy, enjoyable things instead of investing them with a need to recipricat financially. I am actually taking steps to enjoy things for what they are and not just doing them to make money. And truth to tell, much of what I enjoy will pay dividends in the long run on so many levels it is just a joy to do them. I have not felt this positive in a long time. I am investing in myself and finding that my dreams can be a functional reality. Sure, some dreams have changed, but that is life and I am moving on.
I am also making a commitment to my training in chen style tai chi. It requires a lot of driving (1 hour each way), but the investment of time and gas is easily worth it. I only make it once a week, but that has proven to be a sustainable and enjoyable time. I would prefer the school to be closer so I could go more often but I am enjoying what I am getting. I am currently wrestling with going back to aikido as well. I haven't trained in aikido in years but it was my first martial art and I really did love it. That said, I am aware that my interest in aikido does not overwhelm my commitment to tai chi, but it could offer a local opporunity to train in a great art without the commute - it could be an supplemental excersise to tai chi that will not be thwarted by bad weather and long drives.
Well, that is the brief outline of where I am and what I am doing. As I said, moving on in positive directions and enjoying it.