I am hesitant to pick a path only to find that it is not the right one, but I am reluctant to simply wait until certainty has arrived because I am afraid to waste my years in idleness.

And yet,

I do not have to accomplish anything in this life.

I do not have to arrive anywhere in my life. There is no destination beyond the present.

The head chants what is sometimes felt. Back and forth, my double-mind. I feel as if I am stuttering between two traditions, unwilling to finally leave the first, unable to fully trust the second. It is funny that my experiences confirmed the first and that it was study and reason (so called) that has led me away. Yet the practice of my former faith led to a dynamic, peaceful, ego-emptying life. The result of my past faith, for me, sounds suspiciously like what is promised by the new tradition (new to me, but so very old). What to do, what to do. At the heart of it all, have nothing to do. I am, and so I am at peace. But in creeps those silly little matters like providing for ones family, paying bills, and finding a satisfying vocation. Alas, in those regards I can do nothing. Here-in lies the challenge of artificial directions. One path or the other, or both, but my little feet need to start walking. Casually, not racing, savoring the journey. Step by step, change by change until finally I am just being. So, choices to be made, but at the core, no choice.

I find it interesting that in exploring the new-old tradition it begins to sound more and more like the heights of my past tradition. Different narrative, same experience. Different disciplines, same result. Defined differently, feeling the same. Those things that are criticised are present in each tradition. It seems that the new-old tradition cuts to the chase a bit quicker than the modern expressions of my old tradition, yet the same principles exist in each. More to learn have I. More to forget I must.

Ideally I would simply sit, breath, and wait - and that I shall do, but familial responsibility sets some external constraints requiring directional decisions. Staying in the center I step by step.