Standing in two worlds, two persons fight to be
Can't see the line or if my foot has crossed it
The line wavers like a drunken vision as each set of eyes look to see.
Two persons can't be two when there's only one of me.

I'm pushed and pulled so violently it causes me to stand still
The road around the mountain left, or the road to my right.
Trying to walk them both I can't do either right
Stumble up, forget the road, forge a new path with my will.

But the will is tricked and torn in two
Illusions flicker and deceive
Resolutions form and fade
It's so hard for two to see and agree as one what's true.

Stumbling up this mountain, first left, then right, now up
In a zigzag pattern sometimes I stumble and fall back down
Sometimes I manage to stand still and reflect on my journey
Clarity like a mountain stream for a time I follow it up.

Clouds move in, and then the sun
Step after stumbling step I make my way
Though at times it seems I have no way
Knowing that at each fall, or rest - my journey is not done.




Consider:

If you want to become whole,
first let yourself become broken.
If you want to become straight,
first let yourself become twisted.
If you want to become full,
first let yourself become empty.
If you want to become new,
first let yourself become old.
Those whose desires are few get them,
those whose desires are great go astray.
Dao De Jing

I've just begun reading Fear and Trembling, by Soren Kierkegaard. Okay, so I've only read the preface, but this has already caught my attention:

"The present author is by no means a philospher. He has not understood the system, whether there is one, whether it is completed...Even if somoene were able to transpose the whole content of faith into the conceptual form, it does not follow that he has comprehended faith, comprehended how he entered into it or how it entered into him."

"The present author is by no means a philospher...he neither writes the system nor gives promises of the system, who neither exhausts himself on the system nor binds himself to the system."

These words resonate with me. In a way they give me hope, but not a grounded or dogmatic hope. Perhaps an intuitive hope. A hope for the freedom of thought - thought that strives for understanding but does not mire itself in absolutes or dogmatism. An active agnosticism may describe what I'm thinking.

I'm looking forward to hearing what Soren has to say.

What do I believe?

I believe that life is, but that life is no more meaningful than not-life. Life is to be enjoyed, to be endured. It is, and it passes, and that is natural.
I believe that we are self-aware, but blind. Okay, not necesarily blind, but visually impaired. We see poorly, when we see at all. There is so much we don't see, that we can't possibly see - and it is reasonable that we don't need to see it all. Our capacity is limited by our nature. Limited is, of course, a judgment that is relative. Perhaps we are free within our nature, and so limitations become less relavant. Also to be considered is the fact that we may not fulfill the potential of our natures because of external conditions and effects. It seem's that we are not free within our own natures, but mabye freedom is also a judgement that is relative. Are we free within our limitations, conditions, and nature?

Rambling thoughts - the stuff of beliefs. But how often are we aware of how rambling our beliefs may be?

Zombie looking back

Zombie zombie can't you see, that image looking back is me.
Those dead eyes, not dead but dying, no recognition but it's me I see.
Wave my hand, zombie zombie too, why do you copy what I do?
I blink at you, and you at me, opposites the same.
With a sigh I turn to leave, but you don't wait,
you turn away - but the emptyness in your eyes did stay.

Masks

Even the best actors slip out of character.....no one can act forever, eventually the truth either slips out, or it explodes out!

It's both fascinating and sad to watch those close to you put themselves into a role, assuming a character that they hope will gain them the happiness they think they desire. The tragedy of the whole affair is that, if one assumes character and acts in a certain way that is contrary to who they are - they lose touch of who they are, and those whome they wish to love have to guess or read between the lines to find out who they are, what they want, and more importantly, what they need. To act with such fundamental insincerity is to harm oneself and to deprive others of the richness of the actors true self. It causes those who seek to have relationship with the actor to miss the mark; to never be able to intentionally or naturally engage the real person behind the mask. And so the actor misses out on the genuine relationships they crave. It also serves to perpetuate the condition of suffering that the actor is seeking to escape.

It takes great courage to be oneself, to be willing to meet and learn about oneself. And it takes time. To take off the mask you risk exposing yourself, and in the same way that one feels vulnerable when a cast is removed, the actor feels vulnerable when the mask is removed - but the true self is there, waiting to be revealed and to be expressed. Until we lay down our masks (yes, often there is a mask under the mask) we will struggle with broken relationships and unrealized dreams. And we will be like a negative weight dragging on those close to us. How can we hope to enter into harmony with our environment, with life, and with others when we keep erecting self-maintained barriers?

Although we seek to hide behind our mask as if it is a shield, the truth is that they become nothing less than a cage to our soul.

I feel like a dog on a leash. I see the things I want and want to do just at the end of my leash. There they are - school, sports, teachers.....sitting before me. But pull as I might, digging, barking, even waiting patiently - all seem to fail. So I try settling into what is, but what is is so uncertian, so unreliable. Usually just enough to survive, but not enough to thrive. So, moments of contentment mired by harsh realities. No guarantees in life. And how easy it is to accept that when things are good. But when you want to stretch, to reach out for goals and dreams and the like, it is frustrating to find that a leash keeping you from reaching them.

Funny how things go. Last week I was on the top of the world, content,even excited with how things were going. Opportunities were just at the tip of my fingers...sad, sad illusion. Of course, what is more deceiving? The illusion of okay, or the illusion of not okay? Fortunatel for me, I've learned that feelings come and go: there is up and there is down. I still grumble when I'm down, but I also recognize things are going to change again.