It's been a while since my last post here. Not surprisingly, I'm still chasing my own tail when it comes to faith, philosphy, and the like. Every now and then I change the direction I'm running, and sometimes I manage to run straightish once in a while, but all too often I end up chasing that damn tail again. At lease I no longer get myself too worked up about it. If its not too much for me to say, I'm much more mindful of my own tail chasing.

One thing that I have been noticing more and more is that I am still in some ways in bondage to my past christian life. A couple of weeks ago I was at a bar having some drinks seeking to raise a little hell and I bumped into someone I know from my days in the church. Not surpisingly, he is not someone who was overly religious despite his families deep religious convictions. It was no surprise to see him at a bar having a good time, but I suspect it was rather shocking for him to see me there having a similar good time since the last time he saw me I was heavily involved in ministry and church life. Far from organizing a community witnessing mission, I was deep in 12 yr rye. I greated him warmly and continued to have a good time, but in the morning I wrestled with a slight bout of guilt for being loud, rambunctious, and drunk. I was not worried about that particular person judging me, but I was somewhat embarrassed because of how I thought his family might respond. I got my back up again, imagining what sorts of conversations we may have about it. In the end, I just shrugged my shoulders, so to speak, and decided that I don't really need to care what his family thought. After all, I am no longer bound to the guilt and judgment of protestant culture.

This particular incident, and my own reaction towards it, got me thinking again about how my continued christian connection to friends and family who still project their own expectations on me. It is no surprise that they still influence me in some ways, and I certianly don't think a "screw them" kind of attitude is warranted or appropriate. These are people that have been, and in some cases, still are important to me and to my family. While I don't need to be bound to their expectations I also don't need to be insensitive or arrogant. We may have lost common ground in religious and and/or philosophical realms, but there is still the common ground of friendship and community. So, the trick is finding the balance where I feel free to be me, whoever that is, and yet not be deliberatley offensive. Part of that challenge is that I am still torn between identities - spiritual seeking me, and pour the drinks and let the good times come me.

I guess the issue is more me than them. Who am I? How do I define myself? Should I even attempt to define myself or just be who I am at each moment, regardless of whether or not who I am now is who i am now?

I had a thought yesterday, in considering my life. I use to say I stood upon 'the Rock' (that rock being Jesus). In some ways I imagined myself as a rock, standing firm against whatever came my way. But yesterday I realized I'm far from being a rock, and perhaps that is part because I have lost my imaginary foundation. As I was sitting watching the waves in the lake shift, change, and flow I thought to myself, maybe I'm now like water? Perhaps. I like that imagery regardless. Maybe it's because I still seem to want to define myself at times.

I've had another laughable thought the past few weeks regarding my faith and one reason I don't want to return to my christian roots. Suffice to say it is so laughable that I won't post it here! I'm clinging to some things that are definitely not worth clinging too. At least it gave my good friend a laugh when i shared it with him!

Well, enough rambling for tonight. I've touched on a number of thoughts I've played with these past few weeks, but seem to be babbling around them without actually shedding light on them. That's fine. I'm okay with that.