Happy endings are as true as the real endings. Or something like that. One has to believe that happiness is not just some wishful thinking in the quagmire of reality. However. However, the sacred words ring in my ears...."it's a trap!"
What the fuck - why is enduring happiness a trap? I suppose because happiness never lasts. It is seldom enduring. It is so often, a lie. Or is it the victim of our own predictable failures? In the end, does it matter? We are what we are, messed up fools trying to be wise.
Wednesday, October 30, 2019
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Some thoughts.
The thing about sitting and waiting is that during the waiting period nothing tangible is being done. And then the tail chasing thought follows - what true value does "tangible" represent?
The pyramids are pretty darn tangible, if one ignores the lack of knowledge regarding the who, what, how, and why of them. So, they are tangible somethings that declare something.
Whenever I want to say something, if I can hold off from saying it, I recognize the unnecessary and meaninglessness of my saying it. A thing is, whether I say it or not. And often what I say is, isn't. Perception, ignorance, deception. Knowledge is so clouded by these things.
I find myself looking with greater respect towards silence. A word spoken loses its meaning when we decorate it with so many other useless words.
We blink, and find that life has passed us by. Blink again, and I catch a glimpse of life just now, but inevitably I blink again and lose sight of it.
How can I be so dissatisfied with the means of my comforts, when in so many ways I'm comfortable. Am I dissatisfied because of expectations - mine and others? I expect that I should be doing more, or I suspect that others expect more of me. I feel I should be striving for and achieving more than I am - but I undermine that expectation from the feeling of the inevitable meaninglessness and impermanence of so-called attainments.
The other day, while folding laundry I became disgusted and bitter that with every breath I am closer to death, and look! I'm folding stupid laundry!! But for a second I catch of glimpse of what could be the joy of folding laundry, only to lose it again in my protest of mortality. Too often I lament of all the things I have to do, that I don't want to do. That is the trap of one foot in the moment, one eye on a desirable possible future.
There is, in this life, moments of clarity and hours of illusion. It is challenging to find the path, or a path, to more consistent clarity when one must first try to see through the illusions.
There is pain in the heart that comes from the mind. Self-defeat through self-deception.
Some thoughts.
The pyramids are pretty darn tangible, if one ignores the lack of knowledge regarding the who, what, how, and why of them. So, they are tangible somethings that declare something.
Whenever I want to say something, if I can hold off from saying it, I recognize the unnecessary and meaninglessness of my saying it. A thing is, whether I say it or not. And often what I say is, isn't. Perception, ignorance, deception. Knowledge is so clouded by these things.
I find myself looking with greater respect towards silence. A word spoken loses its meaning when we decorate it with so many other useless words.
We blink, and find that life has passed us by. Blink again, and I catch a glimpse of life just now, but inevitably I blink again and lose sight of it.
How can I be so dissatisfied with the means of my comforts, when in so many ways I'm comfortable. Am I dissatisfied because of expectations - mine and others? I expect that I should be doing more, or I suspect that others expect more of me. I feel I should be striving for and achieving more than I am - but I undermine that expectation from the feeling of the inevitable meaninglessness and impermanence of so-called attainments.
The other day, while folding laundry I became disgusted and bitter that with every breath I am closer to death, and look! I'm folding stupid laundry!! But for a second I catch of glimpse of what could be the joy of folding laundry, only to lose it again in my protest of mortality. Too often I lament of all the things I have to do, that I don't want to do. That is the trap of one foot in the moment, one eye on a desirable possible future.
There is, in this life, moments of clarity and hours of illusion. It is challenging to find the path, or a path, to more consistent clarity when one must first try to see through the illusions.
There is pain in the heart that comes from the mind. Self-defeat through self-deception.
Some thoughts.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
From the hips
It's still early, but this has been an excellent start to my day. First, I woke up and, rather than just rolling over and going back to sleep, I utilized my oft neglected will power to order myself up with the strong intention of starting my day by practicing my tai chi form five times. Typically, I go to bed with that intention and when it comes time to get up I succomb to the sleepies and fail to get out of bed. But today I awoke, took stock of the sleepies and then engaged my will and got up out of bed immediately.
Secondly, I actually practiced my tai chi form. The first couple of times through was rough, I hadn`t warmed up my body or stretched so I expected that. By the forth time through my set I could feel the heat in my hands and some mild tingling. However, it was the fifth set that really was special. I really engaged my intention towards moving through the hips. I used my hips to project and propel my body. Each rotation was deliberate and controlled, and the feeling was far superior to the loose, free flowing style i usually have. i always try for proper structure, but usually I focus more on fluidity. Today, I wanted to focus on connection of the body, on generating power through the hips and proper structure. What a feeling of strength and connectedness. Such a difference from set one to set five. I will defiinitely put more focus on this training and hopefully make it a regular part of my practice....hopefully I make getting up earlier than I need to a part of my practice as well.
Secondly, I actually practiced my tai chi form. The first couple of times through was rough, I hadn`t warmed up my body or stretched so I expected that. By the forth time through my set I could feel the heat in my hands and some mild tingling. However, it was the fifth set that really was special. I really engaged my intention towards moving through the hips. I used my hips to project and propel my body. Each rotation was deliberate and controlled, and the feeling was far superior to the loose, free flowing style i usually have. i always try for proper structure, but usually I focus more on fluidity. Today, I wanted to focus on connection of the body, on generating power through the hips and proper structure. What a feeling of strength and connectedness. Such a difference from set one to set five. I will defiinitely put more focus on this training and hopefully make it a regular part of my practice....hopefully I make getting up earlier than I need to a part of my practice as well.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Pleasure
"Pleasure is the structure of society. From childhood until death we are secretly, cunningly or obviously pursuing pleasure. So whatever our form of pleasure is, I think we should be very clear about it because it is going to guide and shape our lives.
It is therefore important for each one of us to investigate closely, hesitantly and delicately this question of pleasure, for to find pleasure, and then nourish and sustain it, is a basic demand of life and without it existence becomes dull, stupid, lonely, and meaningless.
You may ask why then should life not be guided by pleasure? For the very simple reason that pleasure must bring pain, frustration, sorrow and fear, and, out of fear, violence. If you want to live that way, live that way. Most of the world does, anyways, but if you want to be free from sorrow you must understand the whole structure of pleasure."
Krishnamurti
I first read this quite some time ago and for whatever reason this passage didn't stick out to me. But reading it yesterday, and again today, it seemed to leap off the page at me. It seems to be such a simple, common sense reading that is profound for its simplicity - and also complex in its simplicity. I don't think this reading is advocating a simple list of "I like this", and "that makes me happy". I think the primary thrust is to recognize the primacy we give to pleasure and in so recognizing it, challenging ourselves to attempt to actually understand why that is so and what pleasure in fact is.
Pleasure is not found external to ourselves. That is, it is not the hands that massage us, or the new car in the driveway, or whatever it is we think 'gives' us pleasure. The sensation of pleasure is within us. We give power over ourselves to these external things, but pleasure is not in them. Krishnamurti explains that pleasure "comes into being through four stages - perception, sensation, contact, desire." I have long maintained that our perception largely defines our reality. I don't think that our perception is our reality, but it does define it for us. I'm not sure if Krishnamurti listed these stages in a specific order, but I think that perception and desire are intimately connected.
It is therefore important for each one of us to investigate closely, hesitantly and delicately this question of pleasure, for to find pleasure, and then nourish and sustain it, is a basic demand of life and without it existence becomes dull, stupid, lonely, and meaningless.
You may ask why then should life not be guided by pleasure? For the very simple reason that pleasure must bring pain, frustration, sorrow and fear, and, out of fear, violence. If you want to live that way, live that way. Most of the world does, anyways, but if you want to be free from sorrow you must understand the whole structure of pleasure."
Krishnamurti
I first read this quite some time ago and for whatever reason this passage didn't stick out to me. But reading it yesterday, and again today, it seemed to leap off the page at me. It seems to be such a simple, common sense reading that is profound for its simplicity - and also complex in its simplicity. I don't think this reading is advocating a simple list of "I like this", and "that makes me happy". I think the primary thrust is to recognize the primacy we give to pleasure and in so recognizing it, challenging ourselves to attempt to actually understand why that is so and what pleasure in fact is.
Pleasure is not found external to ourselves. That is, it is not the hands that massage us, or the new car in the driveway, or whatever it is we think 'gives' us pleasure. The sensation of pleasure is within us. We give power over ourselves to these external things, but pleasure is not in them. Krishnamurti explains that pleasure "comes into being through four stages - perception, sensation, contact, desire." I have long maintained that our perception largely defines our reality. I don't think that our perception is our reality, but it does define it for us. I'm not sure if Krishnamurti listed these stages in a specific order, but I think that perception and desire are intimately connected.
Monday, May 09, 2011
A thought that I've been rolling around lately:
If we no longer accept ancient science, why do we still hold to ancient religions? I don't think anyone would make a reasonable case for flat earth theory, so why haven't we abandoned ancient ideas of religion?
Another thought, following loosely behind this one - is modern science, quantum theory for example, the new religion? Are we in the process of replacing religion with waves and string theory?
If we no longer accept ancient science, why do we still hold to ancient religions? I don't think anyone would make a reasonable case for flat earth theory, so why haven't we abandoned ancient ideas of religion?
Another thought, following loosely behind this one - is modern science, quantum theory for example, the new religion? Are we in the process of replacing religion with waves and string theory?
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Good morning! A new day, and the sun is up. I love the blue sky. I feel invigorated and excited about life today, even though nothing has really changed. Interesting how sleep and food can affect us so much. I'm excited at the opportunity to cut my grass for the first time this season. I'm excited that I don't have to work too much..of course, I don't earn too much either, but I prefer time sitting in the sun to working at a job doing someone else's bidding. I can't wait until I retire to enjoy the sun.
I just have to avoid the "if only's" today and life will be good.
I may have to rename this blog. Perhaps I should call it skeptics apathy? Maybe not yet. How bout, "skeptic letting go"? I'll have to chew on that a bit. Probably too hasty for that name since there are still so many things I'm still hanging onto. There is still that one big christian hook in my back, keeping me from moving forward - but I think it is almost loose enough now that I can walk freely. Of course, I suspect the hook that christianity is the real culprit. If I manage to shake off one "anity" what's to prevent me from snagging another? No, the hook in my back is certainly the main problem, not christin'anity or anything else. Now, is the hook something I was born with? Something I picked up? Or something I created myself? I think those are questions I'll need to consider before I am able to let go of the hook. I wonder if mindfulness will be the key here - be mindful of the hook, neither clinging nor pushing away, and perhaps the hook will simply move on as do thoughts or desires that I don't attach myself too? Hmmmm.
Friday, May 06, 2011
It's been a while since my last post here. Not surprisingly, I'm still chasing my own tail when it comes to faith, philosphy, and the like. Every now and then I change the direction I'm running, and sometimes I manage to run straightish once in a while, but all too often I end up chasing that damn tail again. At lease I no longer get myself too worked up about it. If its not too much for me to say, I'm much more mindful of my own tail chasing.
One thing that I have been noticing more and more is that I am still in some ways in bondage to my past christian life. A couple of weeks ago I was at a bar having some drinks seeking to raise a little hell and I bumped into someone I know from my days in the church. Not surpisingly, he is not someone who was overly religious despite his families deep religious convictions. It was no surprise to see him at a bar having a good time, but I suspect it was rather shocking for him to see me there having a similar good time since the last time he saw me I was heavily involved in ministry and church life. Far from organizing a community witnessing mission, I was deep in 12 yr rye. I greated him warmly and continued to have a good time, but in the morning I wrestled with a slight bout of guilt for being loud, rambunctious, and drunk. I was not worried about that particular person judging me, but I was somewhat embarrassed because of how I thought his family might respond. I got my back up again, imagining what sorts of conversations we may have about it. In the end, I just shrugged my shoulders, so to speak, and decided that I don't really need to care what his family thought. After all, I am no longer bound to the guilt and judgment of protestant culture.
This particular incident, and my own reaction towards it, got me thinking again about how my continued christian connection to friends and family who still project their own expectations on me. It is no surprise that they still influence me in some ways, and I certianly don't think a "screw them" kind of attitude is warranted or appropriate. These are people that have been, and in some cases, still are important to me and to my family. While I don't need to be bound to their expectations I also don't need to be insensitive or arrogant. We may have lost common ground in religious and and/or philosophical realms, but there is still the common ground of friendship and community. So, the trick is finding the balance where I feel free to be me, whoever that is, and yet not be deliberatley offensive. Part of that challenge is that I am still torn between identities - spiritual seeking me, and pour the drinks and let the good times come me.
I guess the issue is more me than them. Who am I? How do I define myself? Should I even attempt to define myself or just be who I am at each moment, regardless of whether or not who I am now is who i am now?
I had a thought yesterday, in considering my life. I use to say I stood upon 'the Rock' (that rock being Jesus). In some ways I imagined myself as a rock, standing firm against whatever came my way. But yesterday I realized I'm far from being a rock, and perhaps that is part because I have lost my imaginary foundation. As I was sitting watching the waves in the lake shift, change, and flow I thought to myself, maybe I'm now like water? Perhaps. I like that imagery regardless. Maybe it's because I still seem to want to define myself at times.
I've had another laughable thought the past few weeks regarding my faith and one reason I don't want to return to my christian roots. Suffice to say it is so laughable that I won't post it here! I'm clinging to some things that are definitely not worth clinging too. At least it gave my good friend a laugh when i shared it with him!
Well, enough rambling for tonight. I've touched on a number of thoughts I've played with these past few weeks, but seem to be babbling around them without actually shedding light on them. That's fine. I'm okay with that.
One thing that I have been noticing more and more is that I am still in some ways in bondage to my past christian life. A couple of weeks ago I was at a bar having some drinks seeking to raise a little hell and I bumped into someone I know from my days in the church. Not surpisingly, he is not someone who was overly religious despite his families deep religious convictions. It was no surprise to see him at a bar having a good time, but I suspect it was rather shocking for him to see me there having a similar good time since the last time he saw me I was heavily involved in ministry and church life. Far from organizing a community witnessing mission, I was deep in 12 yr rye. I greated him warmly and continued to have a good time, but in the morning I wrestled with a slight bout of guilt for being loud, rambunctious, and drunk. I was not worried about that particular person judging me, but I was somewhat embarrassed because of how I thought his family might respond. I got my back up again, imagining what sorts of conversations we may have about it. In the end, I just shrugged my shoulders, so to speak, and decided that I don't really need to care what his family thought. After all, I am no longer bound to the guilt and judgment of protestant culture.
This particular incident, and my own reaction towards it, got me thinking again about how my continued christian connection to friends and family who still project their own expectations on me. It is no surprise that they still influence me in some ways, and I certianly don't think a "screw them" kind of attitude is warranted or appropriate. These are people that have been, and in some cases, still are important to me and to my family. While I don't need to be bound to their expectations I also don't need to be insensitive or arrogant. We may have lost common ground in religious and and/or philosophical realms, but there is still the common ground of friendship and community. So, the trick is finding the balance where I feel free to be me, whoever that is, and yet not be deliberatley offensive. Part of that challenge is that I am still torn between identities - spiritual seeking me, and pour the drinks and let the good times come me.
I guess the issue is more me than them. Who am I? How do I define myself? Should I even attempt to define myself or just be who I am at each moment, regardless of whether or not who I am now is who i am now?
I had a thought yesterday, in considering my life. I use to say I stood upon 'the Rock' (that rock being Jesus). In some ways I imagined myself as a rock, standing firm against whatever came my way. But yesterday I realized I'm far from being a rock, and perhaps that is part because I have lost my imaginary foundation. As I was sitting watching the waves in the lake shift, change, and flow I thought to myself, maybe I'm now like water? Perhaps. I like that imagery regardless. Maybe it's because I still seem to want to define myself at times.
I've had another laughable thought the past few weeks regarding my faith and one reason I don't want to return to my christian roots. Suffice to say it is so laughable that I won't post it here! I'm clinging to some things that are definitely not worth clinging too. At least it gave my good friend a laugh when i shared it with him!
Well, enough rambling for tonight. I've touched on a number of thoughts I've played with these past few weeks, but seem to be babbling around them without actually shedding light on them. That's fine. I'm okay with that.
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