It is funny to think about how near-sighted we can be. Or perhaps it's just me. As a child, I could not believe in god, or at least in a god of love. Yet, in my late teens, I converted to Christianity, passionately convinced that there was indeed a god, and that that god had made himself and his love known to humanity. All of my doubts were answered - I was full of faith. I was absolutely certain that, no matter what happened, regardless of experience or gnosis, I would not, could not, doubt the truth of the Christian message. I was so certain. I committed all of my resources, everything that I was towards serving god. Everything that I was, and everything that I had hoped to be was surrendered to gods will. Year after year I committed myself to the divine, to understanding everything in the light of gods love and truth.

And yet, here I am, over a decade later, and all of my faith has fled. Looking back at my faith journey (and it has been, and still is, a journey) I can only marvel, not at my zealous faith, but at my present lack of faith. Having once believed, I cannot see how I can ever believe again. There was a time that I could not do anything but believe .... yet now, try as I might, I cannot believe. I can look back at the process, the journey from unbelief to belief back to unbelief - but I cannot relive those feelings/experiences of faith. I can only feel me now. Sure, I can still recover glimpses of what I once felt, but they are fleeting illusions, memories only that are ghostly in their intangibleness. Shades of yesterday that cannot touch the present. The journey was at times sweet, and recently full of sorrow and frustration - but I have found that I can only believe what I believe. And I can no longer remain in intimate communion with what I no longer believe. I cannot enter into the experience of yesterday. I am trapped by the present. Who knows what I will believe tomorrow - will I still find that there can be no other way?