Well, I'm glad I got that off of my chest. I'm not really sure what led me to rant about gods failure, and looking back at it I'm a bit embarrassed that I would do so. Really, if there is no god, he has done me no wrong, so why blast him so? If there is a god, then maybe it is just a case of my short-sightedness. Who knows? Still, to anyone who may be offended by it, my apologies. I don't recant what I said, but I apologize for the apparent meaninglessness of saying it. I guess I am just venting with the hope that someone can show me that I am wrong. I am finding more and more that I am the true "double-minded man." I want to engage in dialogue about these issues, to wrestle with them, but at the same time I am sick of wresting with it, tired of reading about it.
I wish that in my journey I could shrug off yesterday, embrace today, and greet tomorrow, tomorrow. But the reality is that I am still hindered by yesterday, or formed may be more precise. I am shaped and molded by the past. My response to the present is limited and not entirely free. And because I am simultaneously holding on to the past and looking to the future, I am not entirely in the present. I am without foundation, drifting without knowing where I am going, or why. I am in some ways lost, although at times I am quite content with that. If I have arrived at this point through honest searching, then I need to be content with that. But I have come to a point in my search wherein I have nothing to search for but clarity and contentment - and I'm not sure where to find them. Do I find contentment in a higher cause/principle/god? Or can I find contentment in non-attachment, freedom from the hindrances of desire and self? In my double-minded way, both options sing to me, draw me - yet equally I fall short of contentment in either direction. What I need is to go beyond intellectualized to practice and experience. But what do I practice? I want to practice living - really living. But how is that defined? God-centered or god-less? If god, which god? If no god, then what? I hesitate to live fully, because I fear to be wrong. I am painfully aware that I know so little. I am living only a partial life. I am a specter, a hollow man. I long to be filled with true vitality, yet I do not live in the small ways I believe I should. How can I hope for more when I do not live the half-life I have?
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