Sitting at the beach this morning I was reminded of why we were/are created....to enjoy the creation: which is, to enjoy ourselves. I am constantly drawn to the water. I find it peaceful. Refreshing and healing. It hints at the secret of a life well lived.

I don't need to be anymore aware of the need for God's grace to live a spiritual, holy life than I need to be aware of gravity to walk down the road. I certainly need gravity, depend upon it, without it even crossing my mind for a moment - and still I can walk a pretty straight line, if I do say so myself. It is no different when it comes to the necessity of God's grace, God's energy, for me to live a spiritual, holy life. God's grace is as all pervasive as gravity to the spiritual seeker (or non-seeker, even to the denier), and it does not depend upon us recognizing it. To say that God's grace is only available to those who give God proper credit is to attribute to God a superman-sized ego. Obviously, to recognize the author of life, to recognize the source of power and grace is an undeniable benefit, but is it essential or necessary? I don't believe so. The sun shines on the good and the bad, as they say.

In the biblical witness, the nations carry on their business operating within the grace and energy of God, mostly without giving credit or recognizing God at all; often attributing God's grace to other sources - until such time as he has sent a witness to them (and it is arguable that Israel's task of witnessing to the nations is truly more as a means of formation and instruction for Israel than for the nations). While it is clear that God wanted Israel, his chosen people to recognize the source of grace and life, it is only after God had taken considerable effort and time to reveal himself very deliberately to Israel. For the rest of the nations it was business as usual until such time as evidence and witness was brought to bear upon them. Only then was there a call to responsibility and accountability amongst the nations. And in that business as usual there was, inherit within their cultures, religions, traditions - a sense of the holy, a sense of morality. They sought to embody what they understood as the higher way within what they perceived as their own efforts, or even in dependence upon something (a god, a power, ancestors etc), and yet all of their efforts found their success through the grace and energy of God.
What does this mean? What am I trying to get at? That God is not an egomaniac. That the sun shines upon the good and the bad. That holiness is not the slave or property to any dogma or system. I copied my last post, Words to Live by from Ephesians, a christian scripture text, because it not only was formative in my life, but because I believe those principles, those values, are universal. While the text is tinged with a christian theological flavour, the concepts of honesty and love are universal. Life is not a slave to dogma or systemization, nor is the grace of god.

Words to Live by.

"Wherefore, putting away falsehood, speak ye truth each one with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: neither give place to the devil.

Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labor, working with his hands the thing that is good, that he may have wherof to give to him that hath need.

Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but such as is edifying as the need may be, that it may give grace to them that hear.

And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, in whom ye were sealed unto the day of redemption.

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.

Be ye therefore imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, even as Christ also loved you, and gave himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for an odor of a sweet smell.

But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as becometh saints; nor filthiness, nor foolish talking, or jesting, which are not befitting: but rather giving of thanks."

Return/New Day

Goodbye, dirty days - though I may drag you out in a brown bottle haze.
The man I was is who I want to be.
Time to put off the old man and return to the new,
Man of character and principle - walking in the middle path...
I'm seeking the Way in the changes of each day.



Respectability - to myself first, and to those I love.
Restoration - what's within my grasp, without iron dogma of what's above
Return - to the principles and character that I held to be important
Realization - that principles are a guide, not a forced reality; that character is a reflection, not the reality. That reality is beyond the sound of my voice, the ripples from my actions, and the eloquence of my tongue - and yet everything is in contact with reality.

I have to recognize and accept that I am deeply imprinted by my christian journey. At times when I try to cut what I think is the final string I feel compelled, gently to look back, reconsider and ease back into the emotive of my past faith. Of course, the cycle continues in that I don't loose sight of my lack of faith in the core doctrines of the faith (eg. trinity).

Clearly I don't want to fully break away from my christian past, even though I don't know how I could ever reconcile the unreasonableness of some doctrines in the light of the grossly political and carnal struggles that led the expression of the doctrines.

And yet, I can't deny that I did experience trans formative power through my gospel journey.

My faith journey has leaned strongly in the direction of Taoism and Buddhism. Taoism seems to resonate with me in an intimate way, and yet, I see the shadows of similar obstacles as I found in Christianity. Both Buddhism and Taoism were central in intrigues and struggles for power and favor before the Chinese emperors. Both appear to contain faith tenants that require, it seems to me, a suspension of reason.

In many ways I consider Christianity, Taoism, and Buddhism my 'three jewels' of faith. Each speaks to me and captures my imagination. In each I intuit and recognize a kindred spirit with myself. And in each case I am unable, or unwilling, to go 'all the way'.

I am waiting for clarity, and if I stare long enough at the christian and Taoist path respectively I can see a dusty trail winding before me. But I am still unable, unwilling to commit to either path. I don't want to make a mistake, to choose the wrong direction. I need to balance my family commitments and responsibilities with my faith journey as well.

The other day I went out with some people close to me - we had a great time, but more importantly to me I had almost a mini spiritual awakening. It was neither purely christian or purely Taoist - maybe that is an indication that to label the path is mostly illusion/ignorance? But I did feel a spiritual awakening. Well, oddly enough I entered into a conversation with the waitress as she brought our orders throughout the night and interestingly enough she was a Buddhist and yogic practitioner about to depart on her own journey to Hong Kong and beyond, seeking to follow where her spirit leads. As she walked away she looked at me and said, "you will be a Sifu". Now, I realize there is a superficiality to this conversation, but there were moments of social intimacy that was deeper than her just working for tips. And yes, she was likely just being kind when she said I will be Sifu, but never the less it struck a cord in me. For a long time I have known that I am happiest teaching and helping others. I trained for years to become a Pastor only to have the bottom fall out on me (loss of faith). After that I turned my mind towards a dream of becoming a Sifu, teaching Taijiquan. Caught between traditions, I have attained neither dream.

What is clear is that I don't want to do the job I am doing for the next 30 years. But, it is mostly a good job, although management is doing its best to make it otherwise. I am looking intently for another direction, one that resonates with those things that resonate with me most closely. I see directions I can follow, but am hung up on my sense of responsibility to meet the material needs of family commitments. And I am rebuked by the idea that I keep avoiding but can't escape, that until I live and cultivate myself as a sifu in the conditions I find myself, I will never find the path I am looking for.

Jesus sought to provide hope in the face of life's struggles.

Buddha sought to teach people how to inoculate themselves from suffering.

Taoists seek to lose themselves in the natural flow of nature and life.

I sat in the dark last night. I didn't want to go to bed, and I didn't want to look at the illusions of decorated my house with. Funny, but my house poses its own illusions. I just sat, with my cat, and marveled and wondered how he constantly seems to find a state of rest.

Sitting in the dark, it was peaceful and a chance for quiet reflection. I have a relatively easy life. The slow dying of my dreams, I don't know whether that is good or bad. Of course, I wonder if good or bad is anything other than perspective conditioned by selfishness and cultural opinion. Anyways, my dreams are dying, or so it seems. And it seems that in many ways I am killing my dreams through neglect; that I am causing myself suffering because I am clinging to my dreams.

One question: why am I clinging to my dreams. I want to do this, I want to do that - but I don't do this and I don't do that to the degree that I can. In fact, I am woefully underachieving even in what is within my grasp. Which causes me to consider that maybe I am dreaming someone else's dreams? Or rather, that I am lazy and expect things to come without effort, without discipline. And maybe, if my dreams are really what I want, I would be accomplishing them. Or maybe, maybe, maybe.

Thoughts in circles, patterns recreating themselves, slowly resolving and reforming. Dreams, goals - they don't really matter. One breath at a time, moment by moment. And the cycle continues. Words follow words. Sounds with little meaning; sound illusion. Reflection, as a shadow.

Aimlessness is only negative when I cling to my illusions. Of course, if all is not simply illusion than I suppose I am really wasting my life. Life is moment by moment and what happens, passes, and what is now is now. Tomorrow is nothing but an idea held in the now. It appears that now is in a linear connection to the next now, but I think that there is only just now. Time appears to me to be another illusion. A working hypothesis that is effective for perpetuating illusions. It does seem that some illusions are essential for life. And that of course can lend itself to the argument that life is not filled with illusions - that there is something real, tangible, and real, intangible. But something.

And so the cycle of ideas continues, circling like a plane that never lands.

Gaia

As I was lying in bed this morning, ignoring natures call in a desperate attempt to go back to sleep I couldn't help thinking. From the dust of the earth humanity has come, and to the dust it will/we will return. I wonder if humanity is not a manifestation of Gaia, mother earth - a projection similar to a spirit dream. And in light of the tragedy that is human history, and in light of humanities abuse and rape of mother earth I can't help but see humanity as a sickness, or a cancer. My house cat, and much of the eco-balance in nature seems to be a more healthy manifestation of Gaia. Most of natures creatures live and die according to a cruel balance and harmony. Death comes to all creatures, and yet is death not a return of the nutrient aggregates to the earth, which is in fact nothing less than the replenishing of earth? The decomposition of life is nothing less than the fertilizer for new life. Humanity, in our ego driven lust has terrorized not only ourselves but all of earth - destroying the very resources and fertility of earth that we depend upon. In this sense I think of humanity as a sickness, a cancerous projection of mother earth, and in response to the cancer of humanity I believe mother earth will seek balance and restoration. How better to replenish the earth than to reclaim 6 billion walking nutrient and mineral components to the earth? By removing the cancer of humanity mother earth could greatly replenish itself.

I am having troubles expressing what I am thinking here - it made much more sense in the haze of sleepiness. I will try to summarize my thoughts:

All organic life, humanity included, is a part of the eco-life of earth. Humanity, as every organic life, is a composition of nutrient and mineral aggregates. From the dust of the earth.

Humanity, more so than any other organism, is destructive and out of balance with the rest of the eco-system of earth. We destroy and poison the earth and ourselves - we are a cancer upon the earth.

Perhaps we are a subconscious manifestation of mother earth - a parasite that is eating away at its host.

When we die, when all organic life dies, we return to and replenish the earth as our mineral and nutrient aggregates are returned to the soil, becoming fertilizer for new life.

In light of our rape and abuse of mother earth, it came to my mind that the return of 6 billion people would not only excise a cancer from mother earth, but would greatly replenish the earth.

My thoughts, in a sleepy haze, drifted to mother earth eventually restoring ecological balance by excising the cancer that is humanity, thus reclaiming the nutrient and mineral aggregates that we are composed of.


While this may seem to be a negative point of view, I don't think that it is. Many species of life have passed from the face of the earth. Is it arrogance that makes us think that humanity will remain eternally? We are from the earth, and to the earth we shall remain. There is a natural balance of life and death, with death inevitably contributing to life. Humanity is in many ways cancerous, and like any imbalance in nature we are, in our present expression, unsustainable.

Now, while I do refer to mother earth, I do not intend an actual sentience at the core of the earth. Instead I use the term symbolically - the earth is our mother in that we are of the earth.

I will need to think this all through more clearly, but I think the general idea makes sense to me - but to be honest there have been a lot of things that made sense to me that I discarded along my journey.

A poem by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day,
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains, and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sites!
You'll join the high fliers!
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to says so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lunch
wuth an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're dark.
A place that could sprain both elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you should go in,should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quaters? Or maybe not quite?
Or go around and back and sneak from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long and wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most usless place

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where boom bands are playing.

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not.
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, theres a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the whether be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though you arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many stray birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with you left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent garanteed!)

KID YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Alenn O'Shea
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So... get on your way!

Show me the Money!

I want to get rich cause I'm tired of being poor. Nothing original there, but lately the material bug has been nipping me in my sleep. I've tried being rich in character, but I'm finding the grind of my past choices have ground me into a grinchy, mildly nihilistic young-old man. I seem presently incapable of looking back on the past 10 years without regret of missed opportunities and wasted potential. That is no way to live and of course I will not dwell too deeply on past decisions, but in so much as they affect today I need to consider them. More importantly I need to consider now. What can I do now. Where can I go now. Do I need to go or do anything now?

Well, in considering what I am discontent with in my life I think some changes would be good, although most change needed is internal - my thought patterns, my clinging to what I think I want.

Step one, to recognize that what I thought I wanted in the past is what caused me to place these imaginary shackles on my life today, and thus to be more discerning between what I think I want and what I really want. It is surprising how difficult it is to tell the difference.

Secondly, I don't need to go anywhere or do anything, I am potentially complete within myself. The geography and decorations with which I adorn myself are only superficial in nature and do not add or take away from me beyond what credit I give them. Of course potential has a way of being missed so I need to be mindful of what value I place on the externals to my life. If I chase the externals too doggedly I take a giant risk of losing myself and missing the whole expereince of life because I am too busy chasing instead of expereincing/living it.

My life is composed of both the internal and external. The external is interpreted and experienced through the internal - body, mind, spirit. My perception defines life for me and so, if my perception (the internal)is poor or misdirected than my experience of the external will not be full and whole. In this sense, whether I am in paradise on earth or stuck in a dead-end city in Ontario is more of a matter of perception than geography.

Thinking just now, I need to recognize that the above is largely based on a spiritual/wholistic sense rather than the where and now of who I am. Inner freedom within the external is a place I have in the past dwelt and is certainly where I wish to dwell again, but the reality is that I have been bitten by the materialistic bug. And how did that happen? Because my perception has been pecked away by my attachment to financial security, family commitments/demands as they conflict with my professed dreams, goals, and interests. Clarification here, my attachment is to the desire for financial security in the context of my lack of financial security. Where once I rejoiced in my freedom from a 9-5 job I am now feeling the desire to be debt free, to be able to do what I want, when I want and so my sense of freedom has been lost to the new attachment - in fact I believe my sense of freedom is truly lost within my past attachment to freedom. I want to be free and am clinging to that want so tightly that I am defeating myself emotionally because the external is pushing against my sense of freedom. In short, I am not free to do what I want and so I am unhappy. How sad, that I can so bind myself with ropes I thought I had removed.

Step three - and this is tied to step one - recognize that I am not doing what I think I want to the extent that I am presently able. For example, while I cannot presently attend classes under the tutalage of my sifu, I could be practicing what I already know at home. I want to grow deeper in my practice, but curiously I am not practicing even what I know. So, if I am not doing the little that I can it is likely I will not apply myelf to greater opportunities if they arise, nor will I be prepared for them. Little steps will cross the distance as surely as a giant leap, just not as quickly. However, without a consistant application of little steps I will not have built up the strenght and endurance for a giant leap if opportunity presents itself. So, consistant application and discipline in the little things I can do now, with an unclinging eye to what/where I want to be later.

Step four - despite how I may see things when I am feeling discouraged my past is not wasted regardless of what it was. There are always things to build upon, and not all expereinces that felt bad at the time were in fact bad. Having changed directions from the pastoral track I am often guilty of looking upon my theologicaly based education as being essentially worthless now. However, what I need to do is accept that it contributed to my personal formation and to find out how it can be applied to my current situation and future goals. Education is only wasted if the educated has failed to learn how to think. There is a sense in which the content is less important than the process and the excersise of the mind.

Step five is essential to all other steps - discipline.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy."

I don't know, yes indeed, and amen.

Sometimes things seem to finally be going my way and just at the last second, that which I really want (okay, what I think I want) is snatched away from at the last second. So close that I can taste it, and then like a carrot on a string yanked just out of reach. Not gone. Nope, just close enough that I can see it, smell it, and oh yes desire it. So I get to thinking, maybe, just maybe there is a god, and he is indeed fucking with me. I picture god as a wiley coyote, a trickster god playing games with the little sheep running around bleeting about out "amen" or "save me"! Perhaps the great Coyote is trying to severe us from our attachments - our tightly held desire to understand, plan, and control.

I had an argument this past week with someone who accused me of never planning. Naturally they were both wrong and right. I plan, but I am seldom so committed to my plans that I can't alter them according to changing circumstance or let them go altogether. I don't see that life is something that I can control, only experience. Plans held onto too tightly are often the cause of much disappointment and bitterness in life. I love the story of the Taoist farmer, and I believe the great Coyote would find much to be admired him (if the Coyote does indeed seek to free us from our attachments).

So in taking instruction from the humble Taoist farmer I see my plans have fallen to dust, my desires have been thwarted, and yet my life continues and I breath and I adjust and I accept. Perhaps the Great Coyote is good, and perhaps he is nothing more than a mental construct to help me along. Regardless, the reality of the Coyote is not my concern as much as the lesson's learned.




The Taoist Farmer

There was once a Taoist farmer. One day the Taoist farmer’s only horse broke out of the corral and ran away. The farmer’s neighbors, all hearing of the horse running away, came to the Taoist farmer’s house to view the corral. As they stood there, the neighbors all said, "Oh what bad luck!" The Taoist farmer replied, "Maybe."

About a week later, the horse returned bringing with it a whole herd of wild horses, which the Taoist farmer and his son quickly corralled. The neighbors, hearing of the corralling of the horses, came to see for themselves. As they stood there looking at the corral filled with horses, the neighbors said, "Oh what good luck!" The Taoist farmer replied, "Maybe."

At that same time in China, there was a war going on between two rival warlords. The warlord of the Taoist farmer’s village was involved in this war. In need of more soldiers, he sent one of his captains to the village to conscript young men to fight in the war. When the captain came to take the Taoist farmer’s son he found a young man with a broken leg who was delirious with fever. Knowing there was no way the son could fight, the captain left him there. A few days later, the son’s fever broke. The neighbors, hearing of the son’s not being taken to fight in the war and of his return to good health, all came to see him. As they stood there, each one said, "Oh what good luck!" The Taoist farmer replied, "Maybe."

Another day has passed, chores completed and the daily drama unfolded. One day closer to death but no closer to truly living. Going through the motions
And so another day passes by and still I wonder why.

I trap myself by my own stubborn refusal to be happy - does it matter that my happiness would create unhappiness for others? Obviously it matters to me, but I can't seem to find the reason behind the madness. It's interesting that my three spiritual guides (if I can call them that) - Jesus, Buddha, and Lao Tzu - all made choices contrary to the happiness of their families and friends. Okay, so against their superficial and presumed happiness, but their families didn't know that. And lets be honest, I can pretend that I hold any intentions of similar nobility as Buddha or Jesus. Maybe I just dream of peace, and quiet, and attaining just a little of what I imagine my potential to be. Or maybe I just feel like an old dog that wants to wander off into the valley, grow old and die in peace.

But then, maybe it doesn't really matter because what I feel now is not what I felt yesterday (or even this morning). You know, it really does get tiresome, this not seeing any meaning or point to life. Well, I suppose I think that the point of life is living, but then that takes me back to being trapped by all of my choices of yester-year, the bondage or responsibility and commitment. So what to do when you can't really live the life you want to live (no matter that how humble that want be), especially when you can't find the point to wanting to live the way you want to live. Hope and apathy make poor bed-fellows.

I'm pretty sure I should have been a monastic or hermit. Of course, one that lived close enough to town so that I could slip in and socialize when I so desired. And one close enough to a good bookstore - I wonder if it would be hard to find a cave with comfy couch, satellite tv and the Internet. Oh, and a lake view, set in rolling hills and a snow-free climate. Would it be too much to have some good teachers on hand too?

Hmm, maybe my dream life is not so humble. I guess it doesn't really matter since I can't attain any of those things anyways. So what can I attain within the life I do live? Precious little, if truth be told. Of course, that may be self-fulfilling prophecy since I can't hold onto motivation or meaning - kind of like picking up a handful of sand and watching it slip through my fingers.

Damn, but my cat has life figured out better than me. Why can't I make it as simple as he does? Sleep, stretch, eat, sleep, stretch, play, sleep eat...and all the wonderful natural functions of the body embraced with as much concern as a wandering thought.

I suppose it would help if I could either rediscover the faith that sustained me for years or, failing that, finally leave it behind once and for all. Instead, I keep looking back, like a dog returning to his vomit as it were. I suppose it is okay, since I don't have anything to move forward to. But again, maybe going forward would be easier or more naturally accommodated if I was holding onto the past. Sigh, the bible did mention something about the double minded man - that's me, do doubt.

Free Will or Independent Will

I have recently been in a discussion about free will and I am left with a few thoughts.
First, I argued against free will because I don't see that the will is free. I had stated that I don't believe in free will but in reflection I don't think that I have proven that statement. What I do think is clear is that the will is dependent, and that within the parameters of dependency the will may have a sense of freedom. Certainly the will is dependent and conditioned, or so it seems to me, but it is not certain that the will is at any time free.

Now, it has been explained to me that freedom lies in the fact that I can choose this or I can choose that. It is the ability to choose that defines free will. I struggle to accept that definition because the very choice is in many ways conditioned, dependent, and influenced from a multitude of means.

I think that much of my thoughts hinge on how you define free will and what is meant by that. The term is thrown about without much thought as to what it means. Mostly I think it comes across as balme for the ego. Of course, one needs to assume that there is any reality to the ego, that it is not a burdensome illusion. Certainly Christians (and I would suppose any of the big 3 western faiths) cling to the idea of free will to various degrees because it fits into their doctrines of judgement and accountabilty (and I suppose to theories of personal salvation to a lessor extent). Is free will a major player in the thought of the eastern faiths (taoism, buddhism, sikhism, hinduism)? It seems that it does in terms of practical day to day living, but in terms of systems of belief I think it falls to the side with the belief in the non-self.

Movement as relationship

I was lying in bed late last night thinking,unable to sleep again. I was looking forward to my beginners Yi Lu class in the morning and I was struck by the idea that my classmates and myself are related by our movements. Usually at the end of the class we stand around for a few moments with hesitant smiles and a sense of togetherness, yet lacking words. Every week now for months we have been meeting together and under the guidance of our Sifu we simply move together. Practicing the forms, learning the new movements - silently, with little communication. Occasionally Sifu will make explanation or comments but, since my Cantonese is rather poor, it is really the movement that binds me to the class.

Lately I have been struck by the excess of word in my life - mine and others. So little is communicated by so many words, such great distances are left socially and relationships often struggle under the weight of so many words. To experience the connectedness of silent movement is a great gift that I hope I don't quickly lose sight of.

Woke up this morning and had the sinking feeling that I was slowly slipping a bag over my head. I know looking back is giving me a kink in the neck and that I should stop it...but it is kinda like smoking (I imagine, since I don't smoke)...you know should quit but before you know it you are taking just one more puff. I need some kind of patch to help kick this habit...oh wait, I already have a patch, tai chi...I just keep forgetting to apply it according to directions! Sigh, happy new years, and may the double mind be gone, the kink finally heal, and the future look bright!

I am hesitant to pick a path only to find that it is not the right one, but I am reluctant to simply wait until certainty has arrived because I am afraid to waste my years in idleness.

And yet,

I do not have to accomplish anything in this life.

I do not have to arrive anywhere in my life. There is no destination beyond the present.

The head chants what is sometimes felt. Back and forth, my double-mind. I feel as if I am stuttering between two traditions, unwilling to finally leave the first, unable to fully trust the second. It is funny that my experiences confirmed the first and that it was study and reason (so called) that has led me away. Yet the practice of my former faith led to a dynamic, peaceful, ego-emptying life. The result of my past faith, for me, sounds suspiciously like what is promised by the new tradition (new to me, but so very old). What to do, what to do. At the heart of it all, have nothing to do. I am, and so I am at peace. But in creeps those silly little matters like providing for ones family, paying bills, and finding a satisfying vocation. Alas, in those regards I can do nothing. Here-in lies the challenge of artificial directions. One path or the other, or both, but my little feet need to start walking. Casually, not racing, savoring the journey. Step by step, change by change until finally I am just being. So, choices to be made, but at the core, no choice.

I find it interesting that in exploring the new-old tradition it begins to sound more and more like the heights of my past tradition. Different narrative, same experience. Different disciplines, same result. Defined differently, feeling the same. Those things that are criticised are present in each tradition. It seems that the new-old tradition cuts to the chase a bit quicker than the modern expressions of my old tradition, yet the same principles exist in each. More to learn have I. More to forget I must.

Ideally I would simply sit, breath, and wait - and that I shall do, but familial responsibility sets some external constraints requiring directional decisions. Staying in the center I step by step.

Dancing in my mind a pattern weaving.
Eyes not seeing body moving,
rhythm finding its own way through me.

Stumbling steps seeking, guideless
Lost intention is lost, hence found.

Destination something not directed,
Presence something not expected
Peace not found until embraced.

Moving On - Update

Okay, so here is how things stand. No longer registered for a course at the seminary, still waiting to see how things fall at work, still registered for meditation course, still doing tai chi, still finding it difficult to live in the present because of choices of the past. But, I'm still moving forward. Take the gains with the losses, or rather, come refuse to cling to either the gains or the losses. Trying to just live.

It's true I am finding my balance slowly but surely. Just a small disclaimer - this blog is my place to vent, to cry out, to whimper - my root is deeper than it may appear. It is deep, and strong - it's just that in my journey I have reached an wallless impass and I am feeling out in different directions for a new direction. I feel as if I am standing in the prairies and can see for miles in all directions - all I have to do is start walking in one direction. My intuition is leading in one way and is tangled up in my reason. I am sorting it out, with the help of good friends (some with big sticks) in this virtual world.

Gratitude.

Dreams are illusion.

Regret is a poison.

Balance is found in the present lived free from both dreams and regret.

Moving on.

Well, things are moving along now. Plans are in place, short goals are being set and the future looks bright. Registered for a Shambhala meditation seminar early January and if plans work out will be attending with a good friend. I should prove to be a good weekend. The only possible negative that I can foresee is that another friend might be hosting a seminar with Rich Franklin (UFC) in January as well and that might very well happen while I'm at the mediation seminar. Hopefully not, but we shall see.
I've also enrolled in another course at the seminary I had recently quit....uh ya, they were kind enough to take me back. Anyways, I'm enrolled in a course called "the birth of theology". It is an introduction to patristic studies and the historical development of the church theology. Sounds interesting anyways. I've come to a place where I am no longer looking at courses as a means to future employment or as being dependent upon a faith infused perspective. I love studying history and religion and this course will serve to allow both in a context I am familiar with. Very nice, I know.
Things are changing at work. I've applied for one of the new full time positions that have come available (I have been a happy part-time worker for 4 years now). I really don't want to work full time, but it will provide some financial stability and perks....the downside is I will have to work all week, and that is really not a pleasant thought. If I get it then fine, if not then it will leave my schedule open to pursue further studies, mediation courses, and continued training in chen tai chi. I am finding that I am nestled right inbetween 3 traditions Taoism, Christianity, and Budhism.
I am coming to embrace my interests as simply healthy, enjoyable things instead of investing them with a need to recipricat financially. I am actually taking steps to enjoy things for what they are and not just doing them to make money. And truth to tell, much of what I enjoy will pay dividends in the long run on so many levels it is just a joy to do them. I have not felt this positive in a long time. I am investing in myself and finding that my dreams can be a functional reality. Sure, some dreams have changed, but that is life and I am moving on.
I am also making a commitment to my training in chen style tai chi. It requires a lot of driving (1 hour each way), but the investment of time and gas is easily worth it. I only make it once a week, but that has proven to be a sustainable and enjoyable time. I would prefer the school to be closer so I could go more often but I am enjoying what I am getting. I am currently wrestling with going back to aikido as well. I haven't trained in aikido in years but it was my first martial art and I really did love it. That said, I am aware that my interest in aikido does not overwhelm my commitment to tai chi, but it could offer a local opporunity to train in a great art without the commute - it could be an supplemental excersise to tai chi that will not be thwarted by bad weather and long drives.
Well, that is the brief outline of where I am and what I am doing. As I said, moving on in positive directions and enjoying it.