In thinking things through a bit further re: my old life - there are some things that I
am glad I have moved on from. Certain beliefs are indeed best left behind, but the spirit of community, the desire and practice of helping people, the opportunity to teach, guide, and mentor - those things I dearly miss.

Christmas Eve

Merry Christmas.

When I lost Jesus, I lost my identity. I lost my direction.

As I sat in church tonight listening to the christmas worship it struck me hard. I wish I still believed. I wish I could believe again. As in the past, I draw close, I open myself up to the siren call of faith - only to have it fall apart as I approach the threshold of belief.

Yet it is my old life that I long for. Interesting thought, that. My old life - not the old, old life prior to my christian journey (for that was nothing short of emotional hell). But my old life of born again faith. Hope, confidence, and transformative faith. I have a good life now, I enjoy the new friendships I have made, I like my job etc. But it is not what I love. It is not what I had dedicated my life to for so many years. It is what I can no longer have. So many christians, proud in their faith (as I must have been) have it in their heads that those of us that lose faith have 'chosen' our path. We may have chosen to 'accept' that path - but I for one did not choose this path. I will walk it - I must walk it with as much integrity as I can - but I did not choose it.

A hell of a laugh!

A follow up to my reading of "The mountain of Silence":

An interesting little passage in the book is talking about elders, a life of surrendered suffering, and hell. The author is speaking with the primary monk, Father Maximos and another lady. Father Maximos is telling the story of a contemporary saint (deceased at the time of writing) who lived under the authority of an angry, bitter elder. This heroic monk suffered for 42 years lest the grace of god depart from him. Well, after the angry old elder dies the hero monk has a vision of the angry elder suffering in hell, seperated from god. Tragedy arises on so many levels in this story, but it is the following passage that caught my attention:

"Father Maximos stopped for a few moments and smiled as he looked at our faces that mirrored incredulity. Then he proceeded. "There is more to this story. One day while elder Ephraim [the tragic hero monk] was in deep prayer, he had a vision. With the Grace of the Holy Spirit he realized that his elder, upon his death, was cut off from God and was suffering in Hell."
"It does not suprise me, " Maria quipped, and we all laughed."

Emphasis added by me. Of this entire book, which I have casually enjoyed overall, those last words ring loudest for me......as they thought of a fellow monk, one who had inadvertedly been a blessing to Father Ephraim, suffering in hell the laughed. What a shallow, revealing passage. The thought of another human being who was at worst grumpy and mean, suffering in hell was funny to them. Expected and funny. How does this speak of their supposed belief in not only hell, but of agape love?

Firstly, if they truly believed in hell, would they laugh? Would not, should not, the thought of a person suffering in hell (however you defined it) conjure some emotion other than humor? Perhaps sadness, pity, dare I say - compassion? It seems to reveal to me that they do not truly beleive in hell - empty words echoing empty creeds.

Secondly, the entire story is an odd expression of agape love - to say the least. The misery of that Father Ephraim suffered for 42 years pales compared to the supposed misery of hell - and it was the casual acceptance of that fate that flies directly in the face of agape love.

This is just one example of the casual lack of integrity in the minds of christian soldiers.

Secondly

Teddy-Bear of death

It is almost unbelievable. The news has offered the story of a school teacher that suffered religious abuse for daring to allow an 8 year old child in her class to name a teddy bear, Mohammed. The outrage was so intense that she felt obliged to leave the country. According to the news some poor offended adults were even calling for the death penalty on the teacher. The sheer ignorance of such behavior is appalling, and I don't mean the behavior of either the child or the teacher.

What absolute nonsense. Fear our religion or we will kill you. Mindless barbarism, nothing more. The irony is that those who cry for the blood of teddy bear supporters would scream bloody murder (pun intended) if anyone in Canada tried to infringe upon their religious liberties. In Canada we are so leary of offending someone else's religious senitivities that we cannot openly enjoy our own. We must put our culture and faith on hold for the sake of those immigrating from foreign cultures - to the point of denying our own culture. Yet in many cases if we travelled abroad we would quickly find that our culture must still be denied lest we be thrown in jail, threatened with violence and/or death. Wonderful. In our home country we must deny our faith and culture, and abroad in the greater world we must deny our faith and culture.

This is very similar to the little judo girl in the news last week - she was scandalized because she could not enter a judo competition while wearing her religious head dress. Forget that the rules were in place years before she was even born - no, judo ontario must deny its own culture in order to appease the religious sensitivities of an 11 year old girl! I am disgusted by those who wage such oppressive and intolerant wars. Why must we cower before the hypocracy of those who demand their own preferences at the expense of others. Once upon a time Canada had a culture of its own - it is a shame that it has clearly fallen to the wayside in the name of perverted tolerance.

I'm reading an interesting book about Eastern Orthodox monastic spirituality - "The Mountain of Silence." It has been an enjoyable read overall. I have been quietly looking for anything that might rekindle my faith, although I must confess that at this point it is to no avail. Most of what I have read could be transfered almost seemlessly to mystical systems of other faiths (the principles at least) and honestly seems to lend itself to psychological explanations.

Love is that which transcends the natural - it is that which is truly supernatural. It is that which allows us to act contrary to our basest nature - to reach beyond the selfish ego. The christian message of transcendent love is without question one of the great messages to reach the ends of the earth. Although one can deny and disagree with the reality of dogmas and theories, no one who has encountered true love can disagree with its transformative power. The great tragedy is that the message has failed to transform the messenger; Christianity does not live up to its higher calling. The great examples of love expressed come from all quarters, all faiths, all cultures - love is no respecter of persons or creeds. Creeds fail to transform, as do church's or mosques or temples. Love is found in the living, not in written words, ancient or new. Love does not boast or demand or cling - it is the freedom of self-surrender.

Life is the ebb and flow of cycles, rythmic patterns that we follow from birth to death. The pace and rythm may vary through lifes journey, but always there is a pattern, always we follow cycles. Our life depends upon cycles and flow. The trick is to recognize or discover the pattern that one is governed by.

Significant life change can be difficult to overcome at times and often seems to bring chaos and confusion into our lives - yet the rythm adjusts and a new pattern emerges. How to recognize the new pattern and adjust to it in harmony and balance. Time heals all things, it is said - perhaps that is because it takes times to harmonize with the changing rythm of life? Learning to be in harmony with the cycle of ones life is the art of learning contentment within the changing rythm. If we allow it I believe that harmony happens naturally - but too often we are striving and clinging and fighting and seeking without ever really seeing or entering into that harmony.

Well, it has been a few months since I've last posted. It seems I got caught up in the facebook craze for a while, but I'm back now, ready to take up where I left off.

My religious perspectives have not really changed - I'm still an agnostic, perhaps more decidedly so now, but I am still interested in religious faith and traditions. I still have leanings towards buddhism, but that is more superficial in nature (ie I do not have any desire to convert), I am still interested in christian origins, and I am still interested in hearing other people share their stories. I still get moments of nostalgia for my lost faith - an emotional ride that is quickly ended by rational thinking.

I tried an experiment on facebook and created a group specifically for those who are struggling with doubts about their faith or who have already left their faith. I called it Post-Christian (because that is my base) and although it did attract a few it never really caught on - perhaps I didn't market it well (or at all, really), or people have no real interest in the middle ground....for some it is all or nothing with no room for the journey between point A and point B.

Well, as it has been said, it is not the destination but the journey that matters most in the end.

The most powerful evidence against a holy, good, god is the legacy of humanity.

Is it not true that the moment we make a statement about ourselves that a dozen reasons why that statment is false, or at best incomplete, flashes through our mind? Is it so difficult to truly know ourselves...to define ourselves through any meaningful description or formula? Perhaps. Or is it simply the winds of change recognized only as in a fog - our attacment to the illusion of a 'self' that is free of change and transformation? Who is it that is viewing the change - unable to relinquish identity? Who am I? Who are you?

This easter has essentially been a spiritual bust in my home. The typical remembrance of the Christian easter story, private reflection, prayer, and meditation has been entirely lacking. And to tell the truth, I miss it. I am finding that I am increasingly (and at a rate that is a little alarming) becoming more and more secular and shedding more and more of my faith impossed inhibitions. Some I am glad to see go, others I am torn about. To be blunt, I miss faith. I miss the cosmic relationship I thought I had. I miss the connection to reality I thought I had, and the accompanying understanding and purpose. But try as I might, I find I cannot re-enter that spell of faith. If christianity is not the Truth, it certainly can offer some truth. Truth - more and more I can relate with the panged question, "what is truth?" I long for a Truth, and this easter's absence of spiritual relationship only serves to highlight that longing, that emptyness. I'm afraid that I am drifting to far, to fast away from my spiritual root - and broadcasting my new paganism too loadly. This easter I am certainly in agreement with that once proud evangelist turned atheist who said, "I miss Jesus." I can't have the Jesus that I once believed in (at least, not today), but I miss him.

For the lack of a better descriptor - I am an Agnostic. I can no longer lay claim to being christian and I cannot make that final blind step to Atheism. It has taken some time but I am finally resting in acceptance of the fact that I no longer believe what I had thought I could never disbelieve. Aware of the disdain that devout believers (christian and atheist alike) tend to shower upon Agnostics as fence sitters I have happily taken up camp - admittedly this is a temporary stop, but who really knows? I have recently (today) begun reading a book that I have several times almost purchased in the past (bought it yesterday) - a book entitled "The Life of Pi". I have only just begun, not knowing what I am in store for, and already it has encouraged me to think, or rethink, and has suggested that it may prove a thoughtful book. My Agnosticism rests upon studied doubt and skepticism....and thus I found this quote from the "Life of Pi" to be interesting and challenging:

"If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' the surely we are also permitted to doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation." (Italics mine)

All too often I have felt that I have succumb to the numbness of doubt - to apathy stemming from my Agnosticism. It may be that humanity is driven by a need for purpose and meaning - but it also seems to me that natural life screams out the meaningless and purposelessness of existence. Beyond the abstract illusions that we tend to cling to I see no intrinsic meaning in life. We are - we breath - we stop breathing - we die. The sun rises and falls. What more is there? Dreams and illusions, opium for the masses - but I want to live eyes open. I want dreams that I can touch - hopes that aren't' rooted in death, answers that aren't promised beyond the grave. I want to move on - but I don't yet see where to. Perhaps tomorrow. Perhaps.

The emptiness that is my life is all that directs me. Resting in the meaninglessness of life I press on. Who am I? Who I was, who I dreamed that I could be - meaningless in light of who I am. The wind blows and I, like chafe, am scattered and thrown. In my naivety I make choices daring to dream that they have value - that too is illusion. My choices are made in blindness, ignorance, and futility. We, society, are a mass of vain, blind, animals wandering this way, blown that way. Is there a divine providence guiding the scattering winds? Can one tell from the apparent randomness of our lives - to some, comfort, to others pain - to all a measure of suffering.
Here I am in this journey of life. I live, I act - a hollow shell existing towards non-existence. Birth to death. Is death to be feared? To be embraced? Does death offer any more meaning than life? Any less?

A conversation I had today at work via email - I found it a bit entertaining. It began with a harmless discussion about our hockey pool.....

I think it is ironic that he lost by the same technicality he boasted about last year! Maybe there is a god after all! :)

Pagan … there is only one God and his name is God … not god.


Well, in fact the early disciples did use the name Zeus at times to try and convey the concept of god (or GOD if you prefer), but they found it tended to confuse the poor pagans that already knew a Zeus, so they tried Logos, but that too was already in current pagan use. What to do, what to do. It’s almost like the idea of almighty god existed and, no matter what title we use it has generally already been used. I guess some would suggest that Jesus is as good a name as any and, since it had not until later been considered a divine name, it seemed like a good place to camp. Perhaps it is significant that Jesus was such a common name in those days, making it easier to present the idea that god/God/GOD had indeed deemed it fitting to reach out to mankind and to make his divinity within reach of the common man, not just emperors, priests and kings.
Alas, I’m sorry that my paganism caused you such grief and righteous indignation (you know, Christian indignation killed a lot of people over the years!), but I intended no insult. I simply assumed (erroneously it seems) that you were of a more enlightened mind and would overlook my clerical error. Again, I apologize.

You have known me how long and you assumed enlightenment? Such a lapse in judgement … :)

If dreams are gone
Life still goes on
The grave does beckon still.

Death will call
Whether great or small
To live requires great will.

In the face of death
Take one more breath
And brave the lonely hills.

Leave behind what snares mankind
Dreams, desire, fear.





Follow each breath to where it leads
In each moment, life you’ll find.

Hold not tight to broken parts,
With each breath the whole you’ll find.

Double minded

Well, it is no surprise that I am clearly a double-minded man, at least about some things. Excited about many things, but apparently not convinced by anything - at least in the realm of career opportunities. Looking one way for a while, I eventually turn another, then back again, and again and again. Clearly I have not found my post-christian calling yet, although in some ways my present employment is close. I find, with no obvious goal in sight (beyond just paying bills and trying to make life a little more comfortable/enjoyable), that I am leaning towards the easy, the comfortable, and in essence, the boring. I do get excited about a challenging job opportunity, but then I think about it and realize the excitement of the challenge would eventually wear off and that too will become mundane and contemptible. In the light of the shortness of life I find it increasingly difficult to get motivated to struggle for a career that I know I will eventually have to give up. What would be the point besides paying the bills and trying to earn a living. In that light, easy, comfortable, and yes boring seems to be the wisest choice - work to live, not live to work. Of course, I would gladly dive into something that truly resonated with me, but what? Nothing is in sight as yet, although that may change. So perhaps for now, steady the course, eyes open - and come what may.

Silent Prayer

I enter into prayer to see
The god you said was there for me.

I hear my voice but I can't see
Nor can I hear if god answers me.

The silence stings my desperate ears
Prayer has proved my deepest fears.

I'm all alone, no god did speak
In silent prayer, silence is all I meet.

Science

I have recently rekindled my on-again-off-again fascination with science. There is so much to learn, so much already discovered that boggles the mind! The vastness of the cosmos, the complexity of biological life, the wilderness that is modern physics ... one could get lost in the wonder and savagery of it all.

Looking for the path

Could it be that the search for a path for my life is actually blinding me to the the very thing I am looking for? Is it possible to miss a vast part of our life experiences because we are constantly looking ahead (or trapped by the past)?
I seem to have gotten it into my head that I must choose what it is I want to do with my life, primarily at this point regarding a career path. But what about today - I have not stopped living, waiting for my real life to miraculously appear. Life is present tense, not future. Yet I am failing to fully appreciate the moment, to savor life as it unfolds. I am getting the sneaky suspicion that I cannot find the path because I am looking away from myself (and looking to hard) to find it - kinda like looking for my hat when its already on my head.

"It is good to have an end to journey toward,
But it is the journey that matters in the end."

Ursula K. Le Guin

"Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans"

John Lennon

The Failure of God

Just. Righteous. Good. Loving. These are just some of the descriptors used of the christian god, and I imagine that those of other faiths would give a nod of recognition that they could easily be used to describe their gods. But do any of those words speak to the experience of all people, in all places?

Just. Even the prophets of old despaired that there is no justice in the world. The wicked prosper, and the righteous are trampled down.

Righteous. Can this be measured by our experience or knowledge? Job offered a challenge to god, full of faith that god would and could meet that challenge - and what did he discover? That god mocked his mortality, his finite understanding. God demanded Job to reach beyond his nature, beyond the nature that god himself had supposedly created, and mocked Job further when he could not. God thrust his might and power, his awesome greatness before Job. God in essence terrified Job with his indignation. It is no surprise that Job, already broken by his suffering, recanted his challenge ( a challenge offered in faith and hope) and submitted to gods obvious greatness. Righteousness? I am not convinced.

Good. The suffering of millions cries out to be heard, to be relieved. The silence of god is deafening. The relief of suffering is withheld. Starvation, war, disease, rape, murder, slavery .... these are not things from a distant past, but the terrible reality that faces millions of men, women, and children every day, every year. Is humanity not responsible for its own sins...yes and no. Yes and no. There is indeed much guilt in human history, but there are also many, many victims. Are those unable to heal themselves, to "save themselves," to be held responsible for their suffering and demise? Shall the child born with aids be blamed for his suffering? What of the mighty and strong that withhold help, withhold healing? What of a god that is proclaimed to be compassionate, loving, and good? Where is his healing hand? Does the suffering of a lonely prophet thousands of years ago atone for the millions of lives destroyed and maimed throughout history?

Loving. Ah, love. True love is truly sweet, very powerful. How is this known? Because of the sweet vitality of the imperfect love offered and experienced in human relations. And here lies the key. Love, to have value - to have meaning, must be experienced. To talk of love will fill the imagination, but unless it touches one in the realm of experience it will only be an empty sound, a hollow promise - empty of all true power. The gospel is full of talk of love. Of gods love. It is a message of love sent over time, thousands of years ago. But how far from our daily experience this love can be. I told you I love you once (thousands of years ago), and if I change my mind I will let you know. Is this the love of god? God loves me. Why do I have cancer? Well let me guess, maybe he is teaching me. Maybe I sinned. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I must guess because god will not tell. His love is silent.

How many souls have cried out to the Just, Righteous, Good, Loving god, only to be answered with silence. Is this the whole story of god? A word here and there scattered over the centuries, delivered to a privileged, secluded few? Perhaps there is more, but how can we know? We are but dust and so far have not been able to find the answers.

Still searching for a point.

I have a relatively easy life. No major crisis, health isn't too bad, family is good - but like everyone else it seems that we go from problem to problem, spinning the wheels but never seeming to get where we want.

Looking back at the past 15 years or so, there were some good times, but mostly I see the poor choices, or the good choices from that vantage point that no longer hold any value from this one. Mostly I am thinking of education and career choices, but I could include relationships, finances, travel etc. I spent year after year in post-secondary education training for the ministry. Every resource at my disposal was turned towards that goal....and now I no believe what I once believed, and I find myself looking back at all those years with an empty feeling in my heart. All those sacrifices, time and money spent, opportunities missed - all of it for apparently nothing. I am left with education that is mostly useless outside of christian ministry, debts hanging over my head, no pension to speak of beyond the soon-to-be depleted CPP, and my prime years spent denying worldly pleasures chasing after a fantasy.

I'm left with no career, no career aspirations, and no real means of pursuing a new career if it requires further education or resources. All this because I chased a dream, a dream that I fervently believed in and cherished, only to wake up to find that I no longer cherish the dream, that I now see it as just that, a dream. And yet, I still have a family that needs me to actively contribute. The two best choices that I see before me: one will lead me into a lifestyle I don't want to return to, the other would require that I embrace even greater debt (if I can even get someone to lend me anymore money) to get a job that would provide a lifestyle I want, but that would almost certainly lead me into greater boredom at work.

So, overall, not the worst situation to be in, but all the same I look at it with great apathy - what does it all really matter. I'm essentially of tired of chasing dreams, going to school, digging debt, looking for that perfect career....I just want to go to work, come home, and make the slow approach of death as comfortable as possible. I have a job that pays decent, not great, but that has no security. I could get 10 hours of work this week, and forty hours next week...furthermore I could be out of work any given year. Hardly something to base my future security on. What to do, what to do.

What is the point of all this? Well, nothing, I guess. That is the point, that there is no point. There is just life, lived well or otherwise, and no second chances to fix the hind-sight view. What is cherished today can turn out to be not so special tomorrow, but nothing can change the decisions of the past. Life is, and then we die. No more, no less.

Tires Still Spinning

Well, here I am in a new year - what has changed? I am making a concerted effort to eat healthier. I'm ditching the Doritio's (mostly) and the junk food, giving up late night snacking - and most importantly (and most enjoyably) I am making a deeper commitment to getting to the gym (dojo) to train. So far, so good. In fact, so excellent. My fruit/vegetable intake has doubled, junk snacks have been almost entirely absent, and I have been a regular at the gym.

The eating healthy thing is harder - I don't mind eating fruit and veggies, but I love junk food. Still, I am enjoying the experience so far. Working out has been exciting - our club has just begun to introduce Brazilian Jujitsu to the schedule! I can't get enough of it.

Anything else different? Not really. I am still wrestling with the continuing education. Time and money, and the unfortunate reality that a Masters degree doesn't exactly open any job opportunities, but it does cost a lot of money to get. I'm not sure if it is something I should be throwing my limited resources towards, but for a lack of a better option I guess I will continue to pluck away at it. At least it is something to work towards.

Overall, I feel that I am just spinning my tires - not really getting anywhere. Of course, who says I should have to get anywhere? But it would be nice to have a goal to work towards. This whole losing my faith thing has brought some career challenges. Having spent years training for and being involved in christian ministry, I suddenly have to face the fact that my education is next to useless and I need to find a new career path to support my family. Well, a new year, new opportunities, I suppose.

I have just registered for another course in my masters degree (that would be #2): Before & Beyond the Gospels
It should be reasonably interesting - perhaps I might learn something!