A poem by Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!
Today is your day,
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains, and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course,
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll start happening too.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sites!
You'll join the high fliers!
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to says so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lunch
wuth an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're dark.
A place that could sprain both elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF you should go in,should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quaters? Or maybe not quite?
Or go around and back and sneak from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long and wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most usless place

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where boom bands are playing.

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored. There are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not.
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, theres a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the whether be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though you arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many stray birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with you left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent garanteed!)

KID YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Alenn O'Shea
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So... get on your way!

Show me the Money!

I want to get rich cause I'm tired of being poor. Nothing original there, but lately the material bug has been nipping me in my sleep. I've tried being rich in character, but I'm finding the grind of my past choices have ground me into a grinchy, mildly nihilistic young-old man. I seem presently incapable of looking back on the past 10 years without regret of missed opportunities and wasted potential. That is no way to live and of course I will not dwell too deeply on past decisions, but in so much as they affect today I need to consider them. More importantly I need to consider now. What can I do now. Where can I go now. Do I need to go or do anything now?

Well, in considering what I am discontent with in my life I think some changes would be good, although most change needed is internal - my thought patterns, my clinging to what I think I want.

Step one, to recognize that what I thought I wanted in the past is what caused me to place these imaginary shackles on my life today, and thus to be more discerning between what I think I want and what I really want. It is surprising how difficult it is to tell the difference.

Secondly, I don't need to go anywhere or do anything, I am potentially complete within myself. The geography and decorations with which I adorn myself are only superficial in nature and do not add or take away from me beyond what credit I give them. Of course potential has a way of being missed so I need to be mindful of what value I place on the externals to my life. If I chase the externals too doggedly I take a giant risk of losing myself and missing the whole expereince of life because I am too busy chasing instead of expereincing/living it.

My life is composed of both the internal and external. The external is interpreted and experienced through the internal - body, mind, spirit. My perception defines life for me and so, if my perception (the internal)is poor or misdirected than my experience of the external will not be full and whole. In this sense, whether I am in paradise on earth or stuck in a dead-end city in Ontario is more of a matter of perception than geography.

Thinking just now, I need to recognize that the above is largely based on a spiritual/wholistic sense rather than the where and now of who I am. Inner freedom within the external is a place I have in the past dwelt and is certainly where I wish to dwell again, but the reality is that I have been bitten by the materialistic bug. And how did that happen? Because my perception has been pecked away by my attachment to financial security, family commitments/demands as they conflict with my professed dreams, goals, and interests. Clarification here, my attachment is to the desire for financial security in the context of my lack of financial security. Where once I rejoiced in my freedom from a 9-5 job I am now feeling the desire to be debt free, to be able to do what I want, when I want and so my sense of freedom has been lost to the new attachment - in fact I believe my sense of freedom is truly lost within my past attachment to freedom. I want to be free and am clinging to that want so tightly that I am defeating myself emotionally because the external is pushing against my sense of freedom. In short, I am not free to do what I want and so I am unhappy. How sad, that I can so bind myself with ropes I thought I had removed.

Step three - and this is tied to step one - recognize that I am not doing what I think I want to the extent that I am presently able. For example, while I cannot presently attend classes under the tutalage of my sifu, I could be practicing what I already know at home. I want to grow deeper in my practice, but curiously I am not practicing even what I know. So, if I am not doing the little that I can it is likely I will not apply myelf to greater opportunities if they arise, nor will I be prepared for them. Little steps will cross the distance as surely as a giant leap, just not as quickly. However, without a consistant application of little steps I will not have built up the strenght and endurance for a giant leap if opportunity presents itself. So, consistant application and discipline in the little things I can do now, with an unclinging eye to what/where I want to be later.

Step four - despite how I may see things when I am feeling discouraged my past is not wasted regardless of what it was. There are always things to build upon, and not all expereinces that felt bad at the time were in fact bad. Having changed directions from the pastoral track I am often guilty of looking upon my theologicaly based education as being essentially worthless now. However, what I need to do is accept that it contributed to my personal formation and to find out how it can be applied to my current situation and future goals. Education is only wasted if the educated has failed to learn how to think. There is a sense in which the content is less important than the process and the excersise of the mind.

Step five is essential to all other steps - discipline.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy."

I don't know, yes indeed, and amen.

Sometimes things seem to finally be going my way and just at the last second, that which I really want (okay, what I think I want) is snatched away from at the last second. So close that I can taste it, and then like a carrot on a string yanked just out of reach. Not gone. Nope, just close enough that I can see it, smell it, and oh yes desire it. So I get to thinking, maybe, just maybe there is a god, and he is indeed fucking with me. I picture god as a wiley coyote, a trickster god playing games with the little sheep running around bleeting about out "amen" or "save me"! Perhaps the great Coyote is trying to severe us from our attachments - our tightly held desire to understand, plan, and control.

I had an argument this past week with someone who accused me of never planning. Naturally they were both wrong and right. I plan, but I am seldom so committed to my plans that I can't alter them according to changing circumstance or let them go altogether. I don't see that life is something that I can control, only experience. Plans held onto too tightly are often the cause of much disappointment and bitterness in life. I love the story of the Taoist farmer, and I believe the great Coyote would find much to be admired him (if the Coyote does indeed seek to free us from our attachments).

So in taking instruction from the humble Taoist farmer I see my plans have fallen to dust, my desires have been thwarted, and yet my life continues and I breath and I adjust and I accept. Perhaps the Great Coyote is good, and perhaps he is nothing more than a mental construct to help me along. Regardless, the reality of the Coyote is not my concern as much as the lesson's learned.




The Taoist Farmer

There was once a Taoist farmer. One day the Taoist farmer’s only horse broke out of the corral and ran away. The farmer’s neighbors, all hearing of the horse running away, came to the Taoist farmer’s house to view the corral. As they stood there, the neighbors all said, "Oh what bad luck!" The Taoist farmer replied, "Maybe."

About a week later, the horse returned bringing with it a whole herd of wild horses, which the Taoist farmer and his son quickly corralled. The neighbors, hearing of the corralling of the horses, came to see for themselves. As they stood there looking at the corral filled with horses, the neighbors said, "Oh what good luck!" The Taoist farmer replied, "Maybe."

At that same time in China, there was a war going on between two rival warlords. The warlord of the Taoist farmer’s village was involved in this war. In need of more soldiers, he sent one of his captains to the village to conscript young men to fight in the war. When the captain came to take the Taoist farmer’s son he found a young man with a broken leg who was delirious with fever. Knowing there was no way the son could fight, the captain left him there. A few days later, the son’s fever broke. The neighbors, hearing of the son’s not being taken to fight in the war and of his return to good health, all came to see him. As they stood there, each one said, "Oh what good luck!" The Taoist farmer replied, "Maybe."

Another day has passed, chores completed and the daily drama unfolded. One day closer to death but no closer to truly living. Going through the motions
And so another day passes by and still I wonder why.

I trap myself by my own stubborn refusal to be happy - does it matter that my happiness would create unhappiness for others? Obviously it matters to me, but I can't seem to find the reason behind the madness. It's interesting that my three spiritual guides (if I can call them that) - Jesus, Buddha, and Lao Tzu - all made choices contrary to the happiness of their families and friends. Okay, so against their superficial and presumed happiness, but their families didn't know that. And lets be honest, I can pretend that I hold any intentions of similar nobility as Buddha or Jesus. Maybe I just dream of peace, and quiet, and attaining just a little of what I imagine my potential to be. Or maybe I just feel like an old dog that wants to wander off into the valley, grow old and die in peace.

But then, maybe it doesn't really matter because what I feel now is not what I felt yesterday (or even this morning). You know, it really does get tiresome, this not seeing any meaning or point to life. Well, I suppose I think that the point of life is living, but then that takes me back to being trapped by all of my choices of yester-year, the bondage or responsibility and commitment. So what to do when you can't really live the life you want to live (no matter that how humble that want be), especially when you can't find the point to wanting to live the way you want to live. Hope and apathy make poor bed-fellows.

I'm pretty sure I should have been a monastic or hermit. Of course, one that lived close enough to town so that I could slip in and socialize when I so desired. And one close enough to a good bookstore - I wonder if it would be hard to find a cave with comfy couch, satellite tv and the Internet. Oh, and a lake view, set in rolling hills and a snow-free climate. Would it be too much to have some good teachers on hand too?

Hmm, maybe my dream life is not so humble. I guess it doesn't really matter since I can't attain any of those things anyways. So what can I attain within the life I do live? Precious little, if truth be told. Of course, that may be self-fulfilling prophecy since I can't hold onto motivation or meaning - kind of like picking up a handful of sand and watching it slip through my fingers.

Damn, but my cat has life figured out better than me. Why can't I make it as simple as he does? Sleep, stretch, eat, sleep, stretch, play, sleep eat...and all the wonderful natural functions of the body embraced with as much concern as a wandering thought.

I suppose it would help if I could either rediscover the faith that sustained me for years or, failing that, finally leave it behind once and for all. Instead, I keep looking back, like a dog returning to his vomit as it were. I suppose it is okay, since I don't have anything to move forward to. But again, maybe going forward would be easier or more naturally accommodated if I was holding onto the past. Sigh, the bible did mention something about the double minded man - that's me, do doubt.

Free Will or Independent Will

I have recently been in a discussion about free will and I am left with a few thoughts.
First, I argued against free will because I don't see that the will is free. I had stated that I don't believe in free will but in reflection I don't think that I have proven that statement. What I do think is clear is that the will is dependent, and that within the parameters of dependency the will may have a sense of freedom. Certainly the will is dependent and conditioned, or so it seems to me, but it is not certain that the will is at any time free.

Now, it has been explained to me that freedom lies in the fact that I can choose this or I can choose that. It is the ability to choose that defines free will. I struggle to accept that definition because the very choice is in many ways conditioned, dependent, and influenced from a multitude of means.

I think that much of my thoughts hinge on how you define free will and what is meant by that. The term is thrown about without much thought as to what it means. Mostly I think it comes across as balme for the ego. Of course, one needs to assume that there is any reality to the ego, that it is not a burdensome illusion. Certainly Christians (and I would suppose any of the big 3 western faiths) cling to the idea of free will to various degrees because it fits into their doctrines of judgement and accountabilty (and I suppose to theories of personal salvation to a lessor extent). Is free will a major player in the thought of the eastern faiths (taoism, buddhism, sikhism, hinduism)? It seems that it does in terms of practical day to day living, but in terms of systems of belief I think it falls to the side with the belief in the non-self.

Movement as relationship

I was lying in bed late last night thinking,unable to sleep again. I was looking forward to my beginners Yi Lu class in the morning and I was struck by the idea that my classmates and myself are related by our movements. Usually at the end of the class we stand around for a few moments with hesitant smiles and a sense of togetherness, yet lacking words. Every week now for months we have been meeting together and under the guidance of our Sifu we simply move together. Practicing the forms, learning the new movements - silently, with little communication. Occasionally Sifu will make explanation or comments but, since my Cantonese is rather poor, it is really the movement that binds me to the class.

Lately I have been struck by the excess of word in my life - mine and others. So little is communicated by so many words, such great distances are left socially and relationships often struggle under the weight of so many words. To experience the connectedness of silent movement is a great gift that I hope I don't quickly lose sight of.

Woke up this morning and had the sinking feeling that I was slowly slipping a bag over my head. I know looking back is giving me a kink in the neck and that I should stop it...but it is kinda like smoking (I imagine, since I don't smoke)...you know should quit but before you know it you are taking just one more puff. I need some kind of patch to help kick this habit...oh wait, I already have a patch, tai chi...I just keep forgetting to apply it according to directions! Sigh, happy new years, and may the double mind be gone, the kink finally heal, and the future look bright!

I am hesitant to pick a path only to find that it is not the right one, but I am reluctant to simply wait until certainty has arrived because I am afraid to waste my years in idleness.

And yet,

I do not have to accomplish anything in this life.

I do not have to arrive anywhere in my life. There is no destination beyond the present.

The head chants what is sometimes felt. Back and forth, my double-mind. I feel as if I am stuttering between two traditions, unwilling to finally leave the first, unable to fully trust the second. It is funny that my experiences confirmed the first and that it was study and reason (so called) that has led me away. Yet the practice of my former faith led to a dynamic, peaceful, ego-emptying life. The result of my past faith, for me, sounds suspiciously like what is promised by the new tradition (new to me, but so very old). What to do, what to do. At the heart of it all, have nothing to do. I am, and so I am at peace. But in creeps those silly little matters like providing for ones family, paying bills, and finding a satisfying vocation. Alas, in those regards I can do nothing. Here-in lies the challenge of artificial directions. One path or the other, or both, but my little feet need to start walking. Casually, not racing, savoring the journey. Step by step, change by change until finally I am just being. So, choices to be made, but at the core, no choice.

I find it interesting that in exploring the new-old tradition it begins to sound more and more like the heights of my past tradition. Different narrative, same experience. Different disciplines, same result. Defined differently, feeling the same. Those things that are criticised are present in each tradition. It seems that the new-old tradition cuts to the chase a bit quicker than the modern expressions of my old tradition, yet the same principles exist in each. More to learn have I. More to forget I must.

Ideally I would simply sit, breath, and wait - and that I shall do, but familial responsibility sets some external constraints requiring directional decisions. Staying in the center I step by step.

Dancing in my mind a pattern weaving.
Eyes not seeing body moving,
rhythm finding its own way through me.

Stumbling steps seeking, guideless
Lost intention is lost, hence found.

Destination something not directed,
Presence something not expected
Peace not found until embraced.

Moving On - Update

Okay, so here is how things stand. No longer registered for a course at the seminary, still waiting to see how things fall at work, still registered for meditation course, still doing tai chi, still finding it difficult to live in the present because of choices of the past. But, I'm still moving forward. Take the gains with the losses, or rather, come refuse to cling to either the gains or the losses. Trying to just live.

It's true I am finding my balance slowly but surely. Just a small disclaimer - this blog is my place to vent, to cry out, to whimper - my root is deeper than it may appear. It is deep, and strong - it's just that in my journey I have reached an wallless impass and I am feeling out in different directions for a new direction. I feel as if I am standing in the prairies and can see for miles in all directions - all I have to do is start walking in one direction. My intuition is leading in one way and is tangled up in my reason. I am sorting it out, with the help of good friends (some with big sticks) in this virtual world.

Gratitude.

Dreams are illusion.

Regret is a poison.

Balance is found in the present lived free from both dreams and regret.

Moving on.

Well, things are moving along now. Plans are in place, short goals are being set and the future looks bright. Registered for a Shambhala meditation seminar early January and if plans work out will be attending with a good friend. I should prove to be a good weekend. The only possible negative that I can foresee is that another friend might be hosting a seminar with Rich Franklin (UFC) in January as well and that might very well happen while I'm at the mediation seminar. Hopefully not, but we shall see.
I've also enrolled in another course at the seminary I had recently quit....uh ya, they were kind enough to take me back. Anyways, I'm enrolled in a course called "the birth of theology". It is an introduction to patristic studies and the historical development of the church theology. Sounds interesting anyways. I've come to a place where I am no longer looking at courses as a means to future employment or as being dependent upon a faith infused perspective. I love studying history and religion and this course will serve to allow both in a context I am familiar with. Very nice, I know.
Things are changing at work. I've applied for one of the new full time positions that have come available (I have been a happy part-time worker for 4 years now). I really don't want to work full time, but it will provide some financial stability and perks....the downside is I will have to work all week, and that is really not a pleasant thought. If I get it then fine, if not then it will leave my schedule open to pursue further studies, mediation courses, and continued training in chen tai chi. I am finding that I am nestled right inbetween 3 traditions Taoism, Christianity, and Budhism.
I am coming to embrace my interests as simply healthy, enjoyable things instead of investing them with a need to recipricat financially. I am actually taking steps to enjoy things for what they are and not just doing them to make money. And truth to tell, much of what I enjoy will pay dividends in the long run on so many levels it is just a joy to do them. I have not felt this positive in a long time. I am investing in myself and finding that my dreams can be a functional reality. Sure, some dreams have changed, but that is life and I am moving on.
I am also making a commitment to my training in chen style tai chi. It requires a lot of driving (1 hour each way), but the investment of time and gas is easily worth it. I only make it once a week, but that has proven to be a sustainable and enjoyable time. I would prefer the school to be closer so I could go more often but I am enjoying what I am getting. I am currently wrestling with going back to aikido as well. I haven't trained in aikido in years but it was my first martial art and I really did love it. That said, I am aware that my interest in aikido does not overwhelm my commitment to tai chi, but it could offer a local opporunity to train in a great art without the commute - it could be an supplemental excersise to tai chi that will not be thwarted by bad weather and long drives.
Well, that is the brief outline of where I am and what I am doing. As I said, moving on in positive directions and enjoying it.

Future Goals

Well, well, well. Out of nowhere, I have a dream! Okay, so it's not really out of nowhere, but it has been like a light-bulb coming on. The past few years I have been essentially drifting through life without any real goals or lasting motivation. In a bout of daily idle imagination at work I began to pull together a goal that would engage some of my primary interests into a possible business plan that is workable and that has real potential for satisfaction. I will never get rich from this idea, but hey, I've never really cared too much about that. There is quite a bit for me to do, including putting some serious energy into my interests, something that apathy and aimlessness has been hindering me from doing. No, it is not a terribly original idea, but it is an idea that makes me, dare I say, happy.

All of this inspired from listening to a young man lay out his future plans in front of judge before being sentenced. When asked by the judge, "what are your plans for when you get out" he responded without hesitation, "I want to be an under-water welder." What a great idea, I thought! Combining diving, no doubt a sport he was quite interested in and would enjoy immensely, with a profitable trade. An exciting mix of business with pleasure. That was the indirect sign-post for me that I don't have to be trapped in mundane, boring work just to make a buck. There is freedom and hope to engage in my interests and to still pay the bills.

Well, this is all nice and dreamy, but there is real work that needs to be done....luckily I am already on the way and have already made some plans towards fulfilling this dream in progress. A tentative target of 5 years with a possible 2 year start date. I'm excited to see where this will go.

I have lost confidence in my own instincts. This is tragic. My instincts tell me one thing but I second guess them, trying to see all angles, trying to see if my instincts are being driven by selfishness - hmmm, that may be the truth of it, my instincts are probably driving by selfishness, or at least self-preservation, and by god I need to re-learn to trust them again.

Year by year, month by month, day by day, I am dying, losing myself, drowning in the domestic prison I have led myself into. I am not who I was. I am not who I want to be. I am who I have become through my own choices. Can considerate choices be the wrong ones? I think so. Wrong for me, at least. This cage, this self-inflicted imprisonment - I could flee it but am bound by my own word. Bound by my compassion for those I share it with. But my selfishness twist compassion into something less pure, something poisoned and full of self pity. I could be free but not without harming those I have promised not to harm. I should not have to flee my prison to be free, but I don't feel free to develope the depths of strength, of mind and heart to be free within the bounds of my cage.

It is no wonder that the Buddha left his family to seek liberation. What once seemed perverse now seems so understandable. I'm dying inside. I want to be free. But I won't free myself. It seems that I will have to find a way to be free within my chains.

Night notes

I am just going to have to start keeping my lap top at the side of my bed (or at least pen and paper) - how many thoughts have rattled in my head at night only to be lost come morning?

I am considering returning to academic studies....mixed feelings on it but hey, I'm fickle so what can I say? Time and money are having way to much influence in my life...well, maybe money more than time. I've got to find away to turn stones into gold....a little physical alchemy to pad my pockets! Okay, maybe not...but how about a little internal alchemy - oh wait, you actually need to apply effort to that end. It's a real shame that I can't summon the motivation to apply said effort...I keep getting caught in the illusion of meaninglessness of everything. Isn't meaninglessness every bit as much an illusion as meaning? Why not, they are both creations of our perception. It is settled then - meaning is illusion and so is meaninglessness. There is only just now.

Aha, that reminds me of one of those lost late night thoughts.....time, time is illusion as well. A construct of our minds with no anchor in what is. There is always just now, never yesterday or tomorrow. We can only experience just now. That is a liberating thought. I think it has powerful ramifications about me, us, life, god/no god - unity.

How do you explain the observations of your emotions? Thoughts and feelings turn within regardless of what I tell myself. I direct my thoughts to recognize that my emotions are misguided, yet the passions still wells up within. Triggered by some trivial problem they have a life of their own. Once upon a time I revelled in my emotions, the ebb and flow the life blood that carried me. The highs and lows, sorrow and joy - all enjoyed and treasured. And the bliss of anger - the power, the passion....burns so bright but deceptive. I miss the bliss of anger. How have I changed? I have trained myself towards stoicism and in so doing have disarmed myself and robbed myself of skillful appropriation of emotion. I am no longer skilled in the dance of emotions - too long I have been content to simply observe my emotions and let them pass untouched. Too long I have ignored the exquisit sensations that emotions bring. Where once I revelled in emotions caress, today I struggled with them. And I really don't know why. Perhpas it is not my emotions that are confusing me, or at least not the root of the problem. Could ego be the silent dagger causing me pain? Was it pricked pride that stirred up my emotions? No doubt. Pride stung - whipped by the sense that I should react a certain way. I got sucked into the game of fools once again. A reminder that I have far to go, that ego is indeed a silent dagger that can bring much suffering. Overly concerned about what others think my day was stained with suffering. I allowed ego to unbalance me emotionally, to lose the rythm of my emotions. Recognize, accept, and observe - don't hold onto the emotion or lay claim to it. Recognize it as an honored guest, no, as a family member rightfully belonging in my life.

Still Trapped

I keep thinking, changing my thinking, changing my thinking - learning and forgetting and synthesizing it all through my clouded lenses of knowing. Thinking I know falls away to the realization that I don't know, shadowed by the hint that my realization is illusion. I am aware that I am struggling to be aware and occasionally I come to a flash of insight that I am not aware - struggling to awake without knowing what it is to be awake. Perhaps there is no awake, only unity. It may be that what I am struggling towards is not what I should be struggling towards -that struggling towards is istself misguided. Will I ever know? Will I ever be content not knowing? Can I rest in the midst of not knowing?

Life continues and the only constant is change - or is it? Everything changes, but many things change in predictable, repeatable ways. Change is not complete. The changes that take place do not themselves seem to change. Practically speaking change is indeed constant, but that only highlights the brevity of our lives and the pettiness of our vision.

I don't think that it is Jesus himself that inspires life changing faith and devotion - I think it is the IDEA of self-sacrificing love that reaches deep into the heart of us. Even after years of study we hardly know who Jesus was. The man is lost beneath the contradictory theological theories and myths.

The idea that someone would love us so deeply, so completely despite our faults and secret sins - the romantic dream that one would willingly, bravely suffer unspeakable pain in our place, for us....a selfless, sacrificial love....it is that that penetrates our defenses and strikes a cord in our deepest need and desire - to be loved and accepted.