Some thoughts.

The thing about sitting and waiting is that during the waiting period nothing tangible is being done. And then the tail chasing thought follows - what true value does "tangible" represent?

The pyramids are pretty darn tangible, if one ignores the lack of knowledge regarding the who, what, how, and why of them. So, they are tangible somethings that declare something.

Whenever I want to say something, if I can hold off from saying it, I recognize the unnecessary and meaninglessness of my saying it. A thing is, whether I say it or not. And often what I say is, isn't. Perception, ignorance, deception. Knowledge is so clouded by these things.

I find myself looking with greater respect towards silence. A word spoken loses its meaning when we decorate it with so many other useless words.

We blink, and find that life has passed us by. Blink again, and I catch a glimpse of life just now, but inevitably I blink again and lose sight of it.

How can I be so dissatisfied with the means of my comforts, when in so many ways I'm comfortable. Am I dissatisfied because of expectations - mine and others? I expect that I should be doing more, or I suspect that others expect more of me. I feel I should be striving for and achieving more than I am - but I undermine that expectation from the feeling of the inevitable meaninglessness and impermanence of so-called attainments.

The other day, while folding laundry I became disgusted and bitter that with every breath I am closer to death, and look! I'm folding stupid laundry!! But for a second I catch of glimpse of what could be the joy of folding laundry, only to lose it again in my protest of mortality. Too often I lament of all the things I have to do, that I don't want to do. That is the trap of one foot in the moment, one eye on a desirable possible future.

There is, in this life, moments of clarity and hours of illusion. It is challenging to find the path, or a path, to more consistent clarity when one must first try to see through the illusions.

There is pain in the heart that comes from the mind. Self-defeat through self-deception.

Some thoughts.

From the hips

It's still early, but this has been an excellent start to my day. First, I woke up and, rather than just rolling over and going back to sleep, I utilized my oft neglected will power to order myself up with the strong intention of starting my day by practicing my tai chi form five times. Typically, I go to bed with that intention and when it comes time to get up I succomb to the sleepies and fail to get out of bed. But today I awoke, took stock of the sleepies and then engaged my will and got up out of bed immediately.
Secondly, I actually practiced my tai chi form. The first couple of times through was rough, I hadn`t warmed up my body or stretched so I expected that. By the forth time through my set I could feel the heat in my hands and some mild tingling. However, it was the fifth set that really was special. I really engaged my intention towards moving through the hips. I used my hips to project and propel my body. Each rotation was deliberate and controlled, and the feeling was far superior to the loose, free flowing style i usually have. i always try for proper structure, but usually I focus more on fluidity. Today, I wanted to focus on connection of the body, on generating power through the hips and proper structure. What a feeling of strength and connectedness. Such a difference from set one to set five. I will defiinitely put more focus on this training and hopefully make it a regular part of my practice....hopefully I make getting up earlier than I need to a part of my practice as well.

Pleasure

"Pleasure is the structure of society. From childhood until death we are secretly, cunningly or obviously pursuing pleasure. So whatever our form of pleasure is, I think we should be very clear about it because it is going to guide and shape our lives.

It is therefore important for each one of us to investigate closely, hesitantly and delicately this question of pleasure, for to find pleasure, and then nourish and sustain it, is a basic demand of life and without it existence becomes dull, stupid, lonely, and meaningless.

You may ask why then should life not be guided by pleasure? For the very simple reason that pleasure must bring pain, frustration, sorrow and fear, and, out of fear, violence. If you want to live that way, live that way. Most of the world does, anyways, but if you want to be free from sorrow you must understand the whole structure of pleasure."

Krishnamurti


I first read this quite some time ago and for whatever reason this passage didn't stick out to me. But reading it yesterday, and again today, it seemed to leap off the page at me. It seems to be such a simple, common sense reading that is profound for its simplicity - and also complex in its simplicity. I don't think this reading is advocating a simple list of "I like this", and "that makes me happy". I think the primary thrust is to recognize the primacy we give to pleasure and in so recognizing it, challenging ourselves to attempt to actually understand why that is so and what pleasure in fact is.

Pleasure is not found external to ourselves. That is, it is not the hands that massage us, or the new car in the driveway, or whatever it is we think 'gives' us pleasure. The sensation of pleasure is within us. We give power over ourselves to these external things, but pleasure is not in them. Krishnamurti explains that pleasure "comes into being through four stages - perception, sensation, contact, desire." I have long maintained that our perception largely defines our reality. I don't think that our perception is our reality, but it does define it for us. I'm not sure if Krishnamurti listed these stages in a specific order, but I think that perception and desire are intimately connected.

He's dead! He's dead!
Or is that just me?
I wish, I wish.
No, it's too hard to see.
Walking dead or life not lived.
I'm just me. Just me.

A thought that I've been rolling around lately:

If we no longer accept ancient science, why do we still hold to ancient religions? I don't think anyone would make a reasonable case for flat earth theory, so why haven't we abandoned ancient ideas of religion?

Another thought, following loosely behind this one - is modern science, quantum theory for example, the new religion? Are we in the process of replacing religion with waves and string theory?

Good morning! A new day, and the sun is up. I love the blue sky. I feel invigorated and excited about life today, even though nothing has really changed. Interesting how sleep and food can affect us so much. I'm excited at the opportunity to cut my grass for the first time this season. I'm excited that I don't have to work too much..of course, I don't earn too much either, but I prefer time sitting in the sun to working at a job doing someone else's bidding. I can't wait until I retire to enjoy the sun.

I just have to avoid the "if only's" today and life will be good.

I may have to rename this blog. Perhaps I should call it skeptics apathy? Maybe not yet. How bout, "skeptic letting go"? I'll have to chew on that a bit. Probably too hasty for that name since there are still so many things I'm still hanging onto. There is still that one big christian hook in my back, keeping me from moving forward - but I think it is almost loose enough now that I can walk freely. Of course, I suspect the hook that christianity is the real culprit. If I manage to shake off one "anity" what's to prevent me from snagging another? No, the hook in my back is certainly the main problem, not christin'anity or anything else. Now, is the hook something I was born with? Something I picked up? Or something I created myself? I think those are questions I'll need to consider before I am able to let go of the hook. I wonder if mindfulness will be the key here - be mindful of the hook, neither clinging nor pushing away, and perhaps the hook will simply move on as do thoughts or desires that I don't attach myself too? Hmmmm.

It's been a while since my last post here. Not surprisingly, I'm still chasing my own tail when it comes to faith, philosphy, and the like. Every now and then I change the direction I'm running, and sometimes I manage to run straightish once in a while, but all too often I end up chasing that damn tail again. At lease I no longer get myself too worked up about it. If its not too much for me to say, I'm much more mindful of my own tail chasing.

One thing that I have been noticing more and more is that I am still in some ways in bondage to my past christian life. A couple of weeks ago I was at a bar having some drinks seeking to raise a little hell and I bumped into someone I know from my days in the church. Not surpisingly, he is not someone who was overly religious despite his families deep religious convictions. It was no surprise to see him at a bar having a good time, but I suspect it was rather shocking for him to see me there having a similar good time since the last time he saw me I was heavily involved in ministry and church life. Far from organizing a community witnessing mission, I was deep in 12 yr rye. I greated him warmly and continued to have a good time, but in the morning I wrestled with a slight bout of guilt for being loud, rambunctious, and drunk. I was not worried about that particular person judging me, but I was somewhat embarrassed because of how I thought his family might respond. I got my back up again, imagining what sorts of conversations we may have about it. In the end, I just shrugged my shoulders, so to speak, and decided that I don't really need to care what his family thought. After all, I am no longer bound to the guilt and judgment of protestant culture.

This particular incident, and my own reaction towards it, got me thinking again about how my continued christian connection to friends and family who still project their own expectations on me. It is no surprise that they still influence me in some ways, and I certianly don't think a "screw them" kind of attitude is warranted or appropriate. These are people that have been, and in some cases, still are important to me and to my family. While I don't need to be bound to their expectations I also don't need to be insensitive or arrogant. We may have lost common ground in religious and and/or philosophical realms, but there is still the common ground of friendship and community. So, the trick is finding the balance where I feel free to be me, whoever that is, and yet not be deliberatley offensive. Part of that challenge is that I am still torn between identities - spiritual seeking me, and pour the drinks and let the good times come me.

I guess the issue is more me than them. Who am I? How do I define myself? Should I even attempt to define myself or just be who I am at each moment, regardless of whether or not who I am now is who i am now?

I had a thought yesterday, in considering my life. I use to say I stood upon 'the Rock' (that rock being Jesus). In some ways I imagined myself as a rock, standing firm against whatever came my way. But yesterday I realized I'm far from being a rock, and perhaps that is part because I have lost my imaginary foundation. As I was sitting watching the waves in the lake shift, change, and flow I thought to myself, maybe I'm now like water? Perhaps. I like that imagery regardless. Maybe it's because I still seem to want to define myself at times.

I've had another laughable thought the past few weeks regarding my faith and one reason I don't want to return to my christian roots. Suffice to say it is so laughable that I won't post it here! I'm clinging to some things that are definitely not worth clinging too. At least it gave my good friend a laugh when i shared it with him!

Well, enough rambling for tonight. I've touched on a number of thoughts I've played with these past few weeks, but seem to be babbling around them without actually shedding light on them. That's fine. I'm okay with that.

If I accept that I am an animal, I maintain that i am a human animal. Instinct wrestles with reason, personality strains against conditioning while appetite, need, and desire struggle under the illusion of self and in the shadow of death.


When I first lost my faith I felt as if I had fallen into a chasm and tried to claw and climb my way out. It felt dark and empty, with no sense of direction. That was several years ago, and over time I have come to recognize that I had not fallen into a dark, blind chasm, but onto a another side of the mountain with a wide, open horizon with possibly limitless potential. I previously saw only darkness because I was facing the mountian, pressing up against it with my back to the open expanse behind me.

This journey is challenging, but definitely interesting. There is so much to learn, and much to assimilate and reject. I am an animal with instinct and fear, a sense of self (often misguided) and a reason that wrestles with my intuition. I suppose the journey is to find balance between the senses and the mind. I don't think I will anytime soon crack the mysteries of life...but hopefully along the way I can enjoy what I can enjoy. It seems that life is far beyond what I can see, and possibly far beyond what I can imagine. Perhaps it is terrible in its truth and my hope for something greater is illusion. But perhaps not.

We want to know the truth until we actually know it. Sometimes the truth is just to terrible to accept. And sometimes we find it terrible because were holding onto illusions and desires.

Throughout my life I tried to make decisions that I thought were right. Sometimes they were wrong, but mostly I don't think they mattered. I told myself "this is right and that is wrong", but looking back I cant see that it really mattered. Life runs it's course regardless of what labels I assign to things.

Standing in two worlds, two persons fight to be
Can't see the line or if my foot has crossed it
The line wavers like a drunken vision as each set of eyes look to see.
Two persons can't be two when there's only one of me.

I'm pushed and pulled so violently it causes me to stand still
The road around the mountain left, or the road to my right.
Trying to walk them both I can't do either right
Stumble up, forget the road, forge a new path with my will.

But the will is tricked and torn in two
Illusions flicker and deceive
Resolutions form and fade
It's so hard for two to see and agree as one what's true.

Stumbling up this mountain, first left, then right, now up
In a zigzag pattern sometimes I stumble and fall back down
Sometimes I manage to stand still and reflect on my journey
Clarity like a mountain stream for a time I follow it up.

Clouds move in, and then the sun
Step after stumbling step I make my way
Though at times it seems I have no way
Knowing that at each fall, or rest - my journey is not done.




Consider:

If you want to become whole,
first let yourself become broken.
If you want to become straight,
first let yourself become twisted.
If you want to become full,
first let yourself become empty.
If you want to become new,
first let yourself become old.
Those whose desires are few get them,
those whose desires are great go astray.
Dao De Jing

I've just begun reading Fear and Trembling, by Soren Kierkegaard. Okay, so I've only read the preface, but this has already caught my attention:

"The present author is by no means a philospher. He has not understood the system, whether there is one, whether it is completed...Even if somoene were able to transpose the whole content of faith into the conceptual form, it does not follow that he has comprehended faith, comprehended how he entered into it or how it entered into him."

"The present author is by no means a philospher...he neither writes the system nor gives promises of the system, who neither exhausts himself on the system nor binds himself to the system."

These words resonate with me. In a way they give me hope, but not a grounded or dogmatic hope. Perhaps an intuitive hope. A hope for the freedom of thought - thought that strives for understanding but does not mire itself in absolutes or dogmatism. An active agnosticism may describe what I'm thinking.

I'm looking forward to hearing what Soren has to say.

What do I believe?

I believe that life is, but that life is no more meaningful than not-life. Life is to be enjoyed, to be endured. It is, and it passes, and that is natural.
I believe that we are self-aware, but blind. Okay, not necesarily blind, but visually impaired. We see poorly, when we see at all. There is so much we don't see, that we can't possibly see - and it is reasonable that we don't need to see it all. Our capacity is limited by our nature. Limited is, of course, a judgment that is relative. Perhaps we are free within our nature, and so limitations become less relavant. Also to be considered is the fact that we may not fulfill the potential of our natures because of external conditions and effects. It seem's that we are not free within our own natures, but mabye freedom is also a judgement that is relative. Are we free within our limitations, conditions, and nature?

Rambling thoughts - the stuff of beliefs. But how often are we aware of how rambling our beliefs may be?

Zombie looking back

Zombie zombie can't you see, that image looking back is me.
Those dead eyes, not dead but dying, no recognition but it's me I see.
Wave my hand, zombie zombie too, why do you copy what I do?
I blink at you, and you at me, opposites the same.
With a sigh I turn to leave, but you don't wait,
you turn away - but the emptyness in your eyes did stay.

Masks

Even the best actors slip out of character.....no one can act forever, eventually the truth either slips out, or it explodes out!

It's both fascinating and sad to watch those close to you put themselves into a role, assuming a character that they hope will gain them the happiness they think they desire. The tragedy of the whole affair is that, if one assumes character and acts in a certain way that is contrary to who they are - they lose touch of who they are, and those whome they wish to love have to guess or read between the lines to find out who they are, what they want, and more importantly, what they need. To act with such fundamental insincerity is to harm oneself and to deprive others of the richness of the actors true self. It causes those who seek to have relationship with the actor to miss the mark; to never be able to intentionally or naturally engage the real person behind the mask. And so the actor misses out on the genuine relationships they crave. It also serves to perpetuate the condition of suffering that the actor is seeking to escape.

It takes great courage to be oneself, to be willing to meet and learn about oneself. And it takes time. To take off the mask you risk exposing yourself, and in the same way that one feels vulnerable when a cast is removed, the actor feels vulnerable when the mask is removed - but the true self is there, waiting to be revealed and to be expressed. Until we lay down our masks (yes, often there is a mask under the mask) we will struggle with broken relationships and unrealized dreams. And we will be like a negative weight dragging on those close to us. How can we hope to enter into harmony with our environment, with life, and with others when we keep erecting self-maintained barriers?

Although we seek to hide behind our mask as if it is a shield, the truth is that they become nothing less than a cage to our soul.

I feel like a dog on a leash. I see the things I want and want to do just at the end of my leash. There they are - school, sports, teachers.....sitting before me. But pull as I might, digging, barking, even waiting patiently - all seem to fail. So I try settling into what is, but what is is so uncertian, so unreliable. Usually just enough to survive, but not enough to thrive. So, moments of contentment mired by harsh realities. No guarantees in life. And how easy it is to accept that when things are good. But when you want to stretch, to reach out for goals and dreams and the like, it is frustrating to find that a leash keeping you from reaching them.

Funny how things go. Last week I was on the top of the world, content,even excited with how things were going. Opportunities were just at the tip of my fingers...sad, sad illusion. Of course, what is more deceiving? The illusion of okay, or the illusion of not okay? Fortunatel for me, I've learned that feelings come and go: there is up and there is down. I still grumble when I'm down, but I also recognize things are going to change again.

Sitting at the beach this morning I was reminded of why we were/are created....to enjoy the creation: which is, to enjoy ourselves. I am constantly drawn to the water. I find it peaceful. Refreshing and healing. It hints at the secret of a life well lived.

I don't need to be anymore aware of the need for God's grace to live a spiritual, holy life than I need to be aware of gravity to walk down the road. I certainly need gravity, depend upon it, without it even crossing my mind for a moment - and still I can walk a pretty straight line, if I do say so myself. It is no different when it comes to the necessity of God's grace, God's energy, for me to live a spiritual, holy life. God's grace is as all pervasive as gravity to the spiritual seeker (or non-seeker, even to the denier), and it does not depend upon us recognizing it. To say that God's grace is only available to those who give God proper credit is to attribute to God a superman-sized ego. Obviously, to recognize the author of life, to recognize the source of power and grace is an undeniable benefit, but is it essential or necessary? I don't believe so. The sun shines on the good and the bad, as they say.

In the biblical witness, the nations carry on their business operating within the grace and energy of God, mostly without giving credit or recognizing God at all; often attributing God's grace to other sources - until such time as he has sent a witness to them (and it is arguable that Israel's task of witnessing to the nations is truly more as a means of formation and instruction for Israel than for the nations). While it is clear that God wanted Israel, his chosen people to recognize the source of grace and life, it is only after God had taken considerable effort and time to reveal himself very deliberately to Israel. For the rest of the nations it was business as usual until such time as evidence and witness was brought to bear upon them. Only then was there a call to responsibility and accountability amongst the nations. And in that business as usual there was, inherit within their cultures, religions, traditions - a sense of the holy, a sense of morality. They sought to embody what they understood as the higher way within what they perceived as their own efforts, or even in dependence upon something (a god, a power, ancestors etc), and yet all of their efforts found their success through the grace and energy of God.
What does this mean? What am I trying to get at? That God is not an egomaniac. That the sun shines upon the good and the bad. That holiness is not the slave or property to any dogma or system. I copied my last post, Words to Live by from Ephesians, a christian scripture text, because it not only was formative in my life, but because I believe those principles, those values, are universal. While the text is tinged with a christian theological flavour, the concepts of honesty and love are universal. Life is not a slave to dogma or systemization, nor is the grace of god.

Words to Live by.

"Wherefore, putting away falsehood, speak ye truth each one with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: neither give place to the devil.

Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labor, working with his hands the thing that is good, that he may have wherof to give to him that hath need.

Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but such as is edifying as the need may be, that it may give grace to them that hear.

And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, in whom ye were sealed unto the day of redemption.

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and railing, be put away from you, with all malice: and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, even as God also in Christ forgave you.

Be ye therefore imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, even as Christ also loved you, and gave himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for an odor of a sweet smell.

But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as becometh saints; nor filthiness, nor foolish talking, or jesting, which are not befitting: but rather giving of thanks."

Return/New Day

Goodbye, dirty days - though I may drag you out in a brown bottle haze.
The man I was is who I want to be.
Time to put off the old man and return to the new,
Man of character and principle - walking in the middle path...
I'm seeking the Way in the changes of each day.



Respectability - to myself first, and to those I love.
Restoration - what's within my grasp, without iron dogma of what's above
Return - to the principles and character that I held to be important
Realization - that principles are a guide, not a forced reality; that character is a reflection, not the reality. That reality is beyond the sound of my voice, the ripples from my actions, and the eloquence of my tongue - and yet everything is in contact with reality.

I have to recognize and accept that I am deeply imprinted by my christian journey. At times when I try to cut what I think is the final string I feel compelled, gently to look back, reconsider and ease back into the emotive of my past faith. Of course, the cycle continues in that I don't loose sight of my lack of faith in the core doctrines of the faith (eg. trinity).

Clearly I don't want to fully break away from my christian past, even though I don't know how I could ever reconcile the unreasonableness of some doctrines in the light of the grossly political and carnal struggles that led the expression of the doctrines.

And yet, I can't deny that I did experience trans formative power through my gospel journey.

My faith journey has leaned strongly in the direction of Taoism and Buddhism. Taoism seems to resonate with me in an intimate way, and yet, I see the shadows of similar obstacles as I found in Christianity. Both Buddhism and Taoism were central in intrigues and struggles for power and favor before the Chinese emperors. Both appear to contain faith tenants that require, it seems to me, a suspension of reason.

In many ways I consider Christianity, Taoism, and Buddhism my 'three jewels' of faith. Each speaks to me and captures my imagination. In each I intuit and recognize a kindred spirit with myself. And in each case I am unable, or unwilling, to go 'all the way'.

I am waiting for clarity, and if I stare long enough at the christian and Taoist path respectively I can see a dusty trail winding before me. But I am still unable, unwilling to commit to either path. I don't want to make a mistake, to choose the wrong direction. I need to balance my family commitments and responsibilities with my faith journey as well.

The other day I went out with some people close to me - we had a great time, but more importantly to me I had almost a mini spiritual awakening. It was neither purely christian or purely Taoist - maybe that is an indication that to label the path is mostly illusion/ignorance? But I did feel a spiritual awakening. Well, oddly enough I entered into a conversation with the waitress as she brought our orders throughout the night and interestingly enough she was a Buddhist and yogic practitioner about to depart on her own journey to Hong Kong and beyond, seeking to follow where her spirit leads. As she walked away she looked at me and said, "you will be a Sifu". Now, I realize there is a superficiality to this conversation, but there were moments of social intimacy that was deeper than her just working for tips. And yes, she was likely just being kind when she said I will be Sifu, but never the less it struck a cord in me. For a long time I have known that I am happiest teaching and helping others. I trained for years to become a Pastor only to have the bottom fall out on me (loss of faith). After that I turned my mind towards a dream of becoming a Sifu, teaching Taijiquan. Caught between traditions, I have attained neither dream.

What is clear is that I don't want to do the job I am doing for the next 30 years. But, it is mostly a good job, although management is doing its best to make it otherwise. I am looking intently for another direction, one that resonates with those things that resonate with me most closely. I see directions I can follow, but am hung up on my sense of responsibility to meet the material needs of family commitments. And I am rebuked by the idea that I keep avoiding but can't escape, that until I live and cultivate myself as a sifu in the conditions I find myself, I will never find the path I am looking for.