Theological Beginnings

I was looking at a post discussing the proper place to begin theologically, with creation being posited as the correct place. It seems to me that Anthropology would be the correct point from which to start. Every theological category begins and ends from our perception, our self-awareness. Everything rises and falls from our perception (true, life goes on beyond our perception, but beyond our perception it is practically meaningless until such time as it enters our sphere of awareness). Creation, even the concept of god, is secondary to our self-awareness and arises from it. Before you get to creation, there is the one observing and aware of creation. Creation without self-awareness is meaningless. God, without self-awareness, is meaningless. Of course, anthropology is impossible without other categories (such as creation), but everything relates back to the individuals perception. What is it that is perceiving - what is man? What am I? That seems to me a natural place to start.

Life Needs Death

Life is dependant upon death. The death of plants, animals, and all organic life-forms replenish the life giving nutrients of the earth. Without the cycle of life and death humanity, or any life, would be unsustainable. Food sources would not replenish themselves (plant, vegetative), and many species of life would be entirely deprived of food sources (carnivores, for example). Life as we know it depends upon death to be sustained.

There must be more than this
Faith is gone - life goes on.

No purpose in sight
Laugh, cry, hope, despair -
The point is somehow lost.

Life and death so intertwined -
Is awareness the real curse?

Hell as Hate

I had an unusual and unexpected discussion, or dialogue, with a co-worker today. He is, near as I can tell, of the evangelical christian persuasion, and a good guy. He is not pushy with his faith, nor rude about it. Today, in response to a question posed by another co-worker he responded by saying, "Hell no." Just for fun, I piped in, "why does it have to be Hell no? Why not just no." He good naturedly responded that he is free to say what he wants, to which I suggested that his use of the word hell is hateful and offensive. As far as it goes, this was mostly in jest, but it did make me think a little as we continued in dialogue. He stated that the word hell was not hateful - I of course, protested that it was indeed hateful, and discriminatory against us heathen. The dialogue only lasted for a couple of minutes, but I think it has merit. I cannot in any way see how hell can be viewed in any way but hateful - the merciless torture of perhaps countless millions does not seem very loving, kind, or grace infused. It does seem cruel, spiteful, and malicious. It does little to relieve the suffering of the innocent, the victims, the weak, or the needy. It does not undue the centuries of cruelty, hate, and violence. It doesn't seem to do much more than torture and inflict pain. It does not change the past, does not reform the sinner, does not proclaim the glory and love of god. It seems to me to be a projection of self-righteous hate, a zealous hope for vengeance devoid of justice and mercy (so proudly declared by christians). Hell serves no perceivable function save the propagation of violence and suffering. It is, in a word, hateful.

On Hold

"If God puts you on hold, don't hang up."

Every day as I drive to and from work I pass a local church with a public message board that usually contains a cheesy little thought. The other day when I passed by, the above quote was posted on it, and although it is in its own right cheesy, it caught my attention. In my faith journey I have recently come to terms with the reality that I am post-christian. I did not leave off faith easily and still occasionally catch myself looking back, hoping to see or experience/feel that touch of the divine once more. Alas, faith in the christian gospel seems to be beyond my reach at this stage of my journey, but I can't help keeping my thumb in a theological idea: that perhaps, just perhaps, I am just going through a desert expeience, that god has withdrawn his hand to test/refine/prove me - that one day I shall once again abound with faith. For all intents and purposes, I am a sincere agnostic, not atheist, and am entirely open to a manifestation/understanding/experience of the divine that would restore my faith - but I am not hopeful. My day to day experience is increasingly becoming that of a practical atheist (although I am not in fact an atheist - while no longer believing in the christian theory of god I have not turned my back on the possibility or conceptual theory of (a) god). As I read the cheesy church message it really did strike me - perhaps god has indeed put me on hold? It actually made me smile, and the quaintness of it appealed to me. But then, I began to consider it more closely. If god put me on hold, why didn't he let me know that? Why would he do that? How long am I supposed to wait? And can god's silence really affect my conceptual, experiential understanding so dramatically? If god is not directly in communion with me, can I lose my faith? If so, what faith did I really have? More and more questions began to be formulated as a result of that sign. I guess the reality that my deconversion has been a long (relatively) process, and if I had in fact been put on hold, I doubt if I could trace back to when that would have happened (how long have I been talking to myself, not realizing god had put the phone down?). In the end, the sign was a pleasant reminder of the mystery of faith - the mystery that is so clouded as to become meaningless.

Identity

Identity, I have one -
But I don't know what it is.
I know who I am, but not why -
Nor who I want to be.
What I was or where I'm from -
Who I am is neither one.
I am me, who do you see -
who will I be tomorrow?

Purpose

Another day has come and gone, and my journey is no closer to completion than it was this morning. I went to work, danced a familiar dance, one I have the nagging suspicion just about everyone in our society is dancing. Living the routine, talking the talk, laughing at the jokes, punching the clock, rushing home to care for the kids, do the chores, flip on the TV and vegetate until bed. Some kind of wonderful.
If I had a purpose would things be any better? Maybe I would go through the routine with more vigor, more zest. Would it make things better? More substantial? Would my purpose be anchored in tangible reality - would my purpose really matter? Some how I don't think so, at least, it may matter to me temporarily, but in the breath of time, everything, even my purpose, turns to sand. Well, that's how it seems from here. Perhaps past the grave things will look different, a new enlightened perspective. Then again, maybe the decomposition of our bodies provides a meaningful insight into the idea of meaning. Perhaps meaning is meaningless, a frail illusion resting on a will to live. At times awareness seems to be the greatest curse of all - awareness of oneself leads to a sense of need, desire to live, to survive. That desire is inevitable self-centered and has a strong tendency to lend itself to selfishness, from which so many vices and sins arise. I think that all sin can only be seen as acts of selfishness. Or is that so? What of the kind soul that lies to protect innocents? Could one really resolve the subtle nuances of it all? So, for general intents and purposes the root of sinfulness is selfishness. So, self awareness is the root of sin. Could the Buddha be correct? Does the drive for purpose rest also in self-awareness? I think that is obviously the case. I guess the deeper question is, why do we have self-awareness? Where did it come from? Did it evolve, or is it god given? If there was a clear, definitive answer to this life would certainly seem a bit clearer. One could move on without uncertainty, purpose could be defined or responded to with determination void of doubt. I envy those who simply believe, or don't believe, and are content at that. The constant questioning, the searching, is at times exhausting. On the one hand, how one understands life and eternity can be fraught with peril and ultimate tragedy. On the other hand, the search for meaning is only meaningful in a temporal, pragmatic way - with no universal or reality defining consequences. Oh, what a choice! Honestly, I would love to return to my christian faith, if, if I could be convinced that it is true again. I don't see that happening anytime soon, but I am open to it. In contrast to that, I have recently come to terms with my post-christian state, my loss of belief in the core theory of the church. In consequence, having lost my faith I have lost my sense of meaning, my sense of direction and purpose. At first this was disconcerting. At this stage I am learning to accept and embrace life as it appears - in all its glorious meaninglessness. Meaning seems to be derived from our experience and perception - conditioned by limited natural, internal responses to external stimuli. I am always amazed by my cat. He eats, sleeps, plays, licks himself, and not much more. And he doesn't seem too upset by that. He, as far as I can tell, isn't worrying about having a career, making a name for himself, getting on the sports team, owning a new car/house/boat/TV, or even about tomorrow. It seems to me that he has an enviable ability to live in the present moment. I suppose that if I got into his itty bitty mind I would recognize similar emotions as us, happiness, fear, anger, boredom etc...but I don't detect any trace of a sense of purpose, or a need for one. I suspect there will still be a sense of self - perhaps not as desperately aware as us - but a sense all the same. So maybe self-awareness is not the epitome of evil, perhaps it's a damaged sense of self, or misguided sense of self that is at the bottom of suffering and sin?
Interesting, Jesus pointed to relationship as the cure for selfishness, Buddha turned to oneself. I think both understood the problem with intense insight, and although apparently different in approach they worked on the same answer. Through loving community one can find wholeness, value, purpose, and meaning. Firstly, community with God, who is himself pictured as community (read trinity), brings healing to the individual, thus enabling one to enter freely and confidently into community. Community provides a sense of safety and acceptance, value and meaning. Buddha sought to heal the individual as an individual, but also recognized the necessity of community. Refuge in the Sangha is an integral part to Buddha's program of self-healing. Through self-healing, one is able to extend the fruit of that healing, compassion, to the community. It is interesting that even the Buddha's progam of self-salvation depends heavily upon community. The Dharma is shared via community. The Sangha is a place of refuge, and compassion can only be extended in community. The theory underlying each of these great faiths may differ, but the tangible experience of both draw the individual into community, and only there does the individual find satisfaction. True, healthy self-awareness can only be realized in community. Virtues are only virtues in the context of relationship. This (wholeness in community) may not answer the questions of meaning and purpose, but it can lead to contentment and peace.

Zoroastrianism and christianity

Has anyone done any research in regards to Zoroastrian influence on Christianity? I have come across some things, usually by accident, that suggest that some important christian doctrines - such as a coming messiah, heaven, hell, and final judgement - have their origins in Zoroastrianism. I have not taken any real time to follow this up but think it could be interesting. If anyone has any resources (web-based preferably), or any comments for discussing I would appreciate it.

Individual - Alone

Loneliness overtakes me. My heart pounds me awake, my breath just out of reach. The quiet cry of my soul deafens me - I am alone. I am a slave.

The room slows to a timeless waltz as my lungs drink hungrily. The horror of the moment passes and I lie awake, alone, with the sudden illumination of the damned. A lie and a mockery is all that I have, all that I am - my dreams have long sense faded beyond the reach of my prison and apathy has overtaken me.

I lie alone, surrounded by society, in the shadow of my family. No longer spinning, I see my room for the cageless prison it has become. The movements of the day begin, conversations are had, and still my loneliness is complete. I am what I am made to be, my choices the concession of my jail. I dress, I eat, I drive to work - lives pass me by - I return to bed alone beside my wife.

My loneliness is that no one knows me. My despair is that no one cares. My sorrow is that I have enslaved myself and surrendered my dreams only to find that I am alone. Each step, each breath, is only to carry me closer to my final rest.


Life is lived in community, but in a society driven by the ideal of the individual, it is tragically easy to find oneself alone. Surrounded by society, in the mass of humanity, no one seems to care beyond the superficial rub that affects ones own life. Precious are those rare relationships that touches the core of the individual and unites it in community. The highest of ideals, the purist of morality, can only be expressed, only be realized in community - the tragedy of individuality is that it leaves each of us alone. And those few that seek true community find themselves standing amidst the masses, arms outstretched, the only response the hurried bumping of individuals racing by, seeking themselves in the barren island that is their life.

Mice in a Maze

There are times when, in reflecting on my life and observations, I really marvel about how blindly we wander this earth, always moving forward, looking and at times not looking for something we know not. It makes me think of lab rats in a maze, being tested or taught by an invisible scientist/doctor. The mouse is driven, I presume, by the scent of cheese or food. The mouse at one level knows why it is going forward, yet at another level, does it really know why it is there? The smell of cheese may be obvious, but what is less obvious is why the cheese is hidden from the mouse? How did it get into the maze in the first place? Why is it in the maze? What happens once the mouse finally gets the cheese? Still the mouse runs on, sniffing here and there, climbing this, squeezing through that. Does the mouse stop to question the what's and whys of its little existence? Or does it just run, happy to run blindly through the maze chasing that temporal goal of cheese?

Am I a mouse in a maze, or worse, a trap? I exist, and I run, although at times I sit and rest - but always I get up again and run, trying to find my way through the maze of streets, relationships, dreams, and fears. Why am I here? How did I get here? Is there a purpose, or am I just running blind? Any answers I seem to find lead to more questions, and too often I don't know what questions I should be asking. Why do I even ask questions, why not just run? Why do I care? Questions, questions, questions. I turn left, turn back, climb over the wall and squeeze through the hole - I'm going, I'm coming, but where? What is the point, and again, why should there be a point? Why should I ask, why should I know - and how can I tell if I do know?

"To know unconsciously is best.
To presume to know what you don't is sick.
Only by recognizing the sickness of sickness is it possible not to be sick.
The sages' freedom from ills was from recognizing the sickness of sickness, so they
didn't suffer from sickness."
Tao Te Ching

A Rant

Come out, come out, wherever you are! Alas, it seems that we can cry out for days, months, even years, and yet all that will meet us is silence. Where is god? Why is he so silent? Especially in light of the incarnation and sending of the holy spirit? Was not god intending to draw us closer, to open us up to fellowship with himself? Was Jesus not the Word? Why so silent, so hard to get a straight, agreed upon answer on such vital topics as nature of god and salvation - even who Jesus was/is? If Jesus was to draw us to the father, why has this not happened?
Oh, you say, because of us! Because we are sinful! Because we choose wrong! Well, wasn't the gospel supposed to fix that? And if it is because of us that god is so silent, then what value does the gospel offer? If I draw near by my efforts, then again, did god actually do anything?
Sometimes it seems that christians want it both ways. God does/did the good, but I/we do/did the bad. Or put into context. If I discipline myself in scripture reading, doing good, reforming my habits and thoughts, and in prayer - whatever good comes from that is god doing it. If, however, I fail to discipline myself to those things, whatever bad comes from it is my fault. So, if I do it and its bad, that's my own fault. If I do it and its good, that's god's doing. If the gospel is supposed to save me, why doesn't it? I am the same person after salvation as I was before - the difference is that I am aware/accepting that I am not really a super good guy after supposed salvation, and in response I begin to work on things. Having been made aware of the problem(s), I work on the problem(s). But the effort is mine, the intention is mine - but the credit is gods? Basically, god helps those who help themselves. It's actually not a bad sentiment, and rings closer to patristic synergy than modern evangelical double-speak salvation talk.
True this is very rough, even crude - and I am speaking only in generalities. Probably most christians would not say things as bluntly as I have here, but if you listen to them for a short while, you will see rather clearly that this is the gist of it. Where is the holy spirit?

I have heard it said by evangelicals (and I must admit, have said it myself) - how can you say you love god (or anyone) and not spend time with them (prayer/devotions)? Not a bad thought, except, why don't I notice god spending any time with me? Oh, he is in the still small whisper, that incidentally in my need I cannot hear? Oh, he is invisibly present? Wow, what good is that? Is he talking with me? Spending time with me? Not that I can tell - and you can say I am not listening, but I have spent years trying to listen. Of course, one can argue that god spoke once in the incarnation of Jesus Christ - but considering the consistent, deplorable theological battles and disagreements one can possibly see Christ forshadowed by the tower of Babel - what was to unite ended in disunity, the confusion of the world.

Alas, my rant must come to a close - duties call.

Love for all

Ah yes, the blessed words of love. God loves everyone, so I love everyone. Everyone should love everyone. How wonderful those words sound. How inspiring to the ear, yet so hollow in practice. I love all people, except for those who don't love as I do. It is the same as the naive and shallow excuse for tolerance that is so frequently spewed out these days - I tolerate everyone, except for those who don't tolerate everyone. Well, it is not admitted so, but in practice it is very much so. Christians have long been villanized by such nonsense, and in their own turn, victimize others in much the same way. Tit for tat, I suppose. But a damn shame either way. We are so quick to love those who agree with us - and even faster to villanize those who don't. Ah, the sweet smell of self-righteousness. How it warms the hearts of the faithful of each opposing camp. Staring back at each other across the verbal (and too often physical) battlefield, smug in our ignorant and proud 'love!' Ah, where oh where is love - god is love - how I despair, for my hope is proved false, my salvation an empty dream.

If Christians Would Be Christ-like

If christians would only be christ-like, then the world would see the truth of the gospel. That's just the problem, though, isn't it. Far too few christians are christ-like, few display evidence in their lives of the radical transformation and renewal that the gospel promises. The average christian is, at best, average. The world is still waiting for christians to display the evidence of the gospel in their lives - waiting for christians to love one another, to love their enemies, to trust in god, to exhibit the famous fruit of salvation. And the world still waits. Of course, there are those few that really demonstrate a deep love and, can I say, holiness. Those are, sadly, too few, and no more than what can be found in other communities of different faiths. There are deeply loving buddhists, hindus, Muslims, mormons, wiccans, and even atheists - how can so few exemplary christians constitute evidence in favor of the gospel? Jesus himself said, "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." Joh 13:34-35
I would wish, and had cherished the hope for years, that christianity would prove true. However, it is sadly as Gandhi explained - "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

No More Than This

Years before it was considered a dirty word, fundamentalism actually meant a return to the fundamentals of christian faith (as perceived by some). It was an attempt to move away from the ugliness of excessive dogmatics and denominational in-fighting. The idea was to return to the purest expression of christian faith possible. The maze of doctrine was paired down to a digestible chunk. However, as history has demonstrated, the chunk was still too big. It did not take long before fundamentalists were mired once again into dogmatic battles, and indeed have developed a rather infamous reputation for doctrinal disputes.

Was the problem that they went to far, or that they did not go far enough in trying to find the core of theological understanding? Ironically in this case less is more - but not in a good way! I believe that the fundamentalist had the right idea, that doctrinal confusion or dogmatism does little to benefit church nor society. I don't believe that they went far enough.

Every religion has to its credit a plethora of doctrines and theories of varying complexity. In every faith the issues of sin and death are wrestled with, and invariably a doctrine or theory of salvation is proposed - and then fought over. Invariably the communities fighting to declare that they have the true understanding of and answers for life fail to live up to their own hype. Theories and rationalizations follow, and thus begins the inevitable doctrinal wars and battles.

Perhaps the reality is that no religion really has the answers. Maybe what they have are workable theories, much like scientific theories, that answer many questions, not all, and are destined to be replaced by newer theories tomorrow. Perhaps all of these doctrinal theories are deliberately complex - a Freudian illusion to hide the truth - the truth that we have failed, and continue to fail, to live up to our highest ideals. After all, what is the point of all these religious theories but to explain why we failed, and more importantly, what it is that we failed at. Inevitably, in every faith, the problem is that we have failed morally. Was the gospel proclaimed to convince the world of the trinity, or convict of sin and save people from said sin - namely, to make people righteous (today, or in the eternal estate). A maze of doctrines was eventually formed to explain and excuse mans continual failure. When pressed about the fundamentals of the law (and faith), Jesus nailed it down (literally):
Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart,
and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
This is the first and great commandment.
And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
Mat 22:36-40

Therein lies the true fundamentals - all other doctrinal theories revolve and are subservient to it. This is practically manifested by the Golden Rule. And Jesus was not alone in this. This core, this fundamental understanding, is represented by most, if not all, of the worlds great religions. Perhaps, just perhaps, we need no more than this.

On a Path

I am following a path, albeit the path is not clear or easy to see. Really, there are times I am not sure I am still on a path. I still press on, sometimes with great focus and conviction, other times I'm wandering casually along. Presently, I am wandering - with no clear direction or even purpose. My only purpose is to know.
I'm hoping that with this blog I will encounter others also following a path, perhaps even my path, perhaps not. I believe everyone is on a journey, but that some are more clear about it than others. I want to meet people who are engaged with their faith journey, in their various stages.
My own journey has taken me from atheism to deep christian faith, to agnosticism. I have come to accept that I am post-christian, but still have a nagging, lingering hope that that is not true. I have read in the writings/challenges of Freethinkers to Christians that there are no examples of ex-christians who, having really examining the evidence and renouncing their faith, have later returned to their christian faith. Can anyone relate or respond to this challenge? I have a sincere respect for, and interest in Buddhism and Taoism - but I do not feel any real desire to convert. I appreciate their wisdom and am interested in their theories.
I want to enter into dialogue with others (not arguments, but dialogue). I want to learn from your experience, your perspective. I may not agree, perhaps I will. But I want to hear from you.

Know Thy Self

What do I feel? Anxious? My mind tells me that all is well. I realize that as things stand, things are pretty good. Nothing really to worry about. I know that that which causes me to be anxious, is mostly illusion. The worst will not be that bad, and in any case it will pass. This my mind tells me. This I can say I know. Yet I still have a lingering feeling of anxiety. It is absolutely fascinating. My mind is in one state, but my body is in another. I know what it is that is causing me anxiety, and I know why it should not. My thoughts are peaceful and clear, but my body is stressed. My mind knows that all is well and that all will be well - I just don't know how to make my body believe it. Absolutely fascinating!

Genie in the bottle

Sometimes I wish I could put the genie back into the bottle. I'm sure the biblical Adam and Eve probably felt the same way after they bit the proverbial apple. With their newfound awareness I'm sure the wrestled with a mix of excitement, fear, guilt, and wonder. Everything they had previously believed and understood must have seemed different all of a sudden. Perhaps they had to try to understand if they had been lied too. When your world is suddenly changed, who do you trust? Where do you turn to for direction and help? Even if they didn't feel lied to, could they still relate to their environment the same way? To God or to each other? Surely they had wished they could put the genie back into the bottle.

It is frustrating to have to re-visit questions that I had thought to have answered - who am I? what is my purpose? what is the truth behind life? But perhaps things are not any less than they need to be. I have a hunch that in the genesis story, God was deliberate in putting the forbidden fruit within reach of Adam and Eve. If he really didn't want them to eat it, he could have put it thousands of miles away from them, far from their reach. Or, he could have explained things a little better so that they could have made an informed decision. What's the point of telling them they would die, if they had no way of understanding what that meant? I think god intended to let the genie out of the bottle.

I think the purpose of the tree was to educate them through experience. Did Adam and Eve create sin and death? No. Did they created 'disobedience'? No. They learned about these things through experience. Indeed, I doubt that there would be anything really special about the fruit itself. It was the act, the choice, to take and eat the fruit that brought about knowledge of good and evil. It did not create good and evil, it brought about the knowledge, experientially gained, of good and evil. Rubbing the bottle did not create the genie, it only let it free. Once the genie is out, choices must be made.

I feel a bit like Adam and Eve. My understanding of God and therefore life have changed. I'm left looking around for answers, wrestling with questions once thought answered. But I am moving past regret into acceptance. The genie is out, that I cannot change. I can't pretend to see things the way I once did. Like Adam I must come to terms with my newfound understanding, however imperfect it still is. Only, I have no one to blame but myself. Perhaps God wanted them to eat of the forbidden fruit, or at least make choices in light of its existence. Maybe it was just a case of timing? Maybe they ate too soon? I couldn't say. But as the story goes, they ate, the saw, and the genie was set free.

Well, I just returned from another visit under the knife. Okay, so it wasn't anything serious - I had my last screw removed ... from my ankle. If you ever want to experience your own mortality and the feeling of vulnerability, then break a leg. Or in my case, an ankle and a leg. It is a tough pill to swallow. Still, the pill must go down, the lessons must be learned (whatever they are), and life will go on, with or in spite of me. It has been a year since I did the damage, and this was the last bit of hardware to come out. I have not recovered full mobility in my ankle, and I believe the screw was the cause. Just hours after surgery, and already my ankle feels looser, more mobile. It seems that artificial is not always best. Indeed, I believe that natural is more often better. Things just flow better if they are natural - the way they are meant to be without being forced. When we fill our lives with artificial supports it often means we are missing something or that something is wrong. I had my screw removed because it was interfering with my natural movements. A screw was put into my ankle because something was wrong. It had no business being there before I broke my ankle, and it has no business being there now that the problem has been fixed. It was a temporary support until the natural movement was restored. It's purpose has been served, and so it has been removed. To hold onto the artificial support beyond its intended use would only cause me to limp when I should be running.

I was driving home from work today, and I was thinking about getting a new cell phone. My cell phone is not broken, but it is a couple years old and it has been well used. I am wrestling with being locked into a contract again, which I really don't like. As I was thinking about this and driving, I was weighing the pros and cons of having a cell phone. How did we get by without them for so many years?! The thought came to me, "what happens if my car breaks down." It was at this point that I realized that in our busy lives, we don't even have time to wait on a broken car. We don't want anything to slow down, or get in the way of, our busy pace. On the other hand, we are too often too busy, in too much of a hurry to help someone else stuck on the road? We want instant coffee and instant fixes. Granted, I can see the value in having speedy help on the highway, but that seems to me a symptom of a larger trend. We want what we want fast. It doesn't matter what it is. Health, wealth, happiness, we don't want to wait. It made me wonder again about what it is we are racing after...why are we in such a hurry? How much of life are we missing simply because we are racing through it?

Busy

There was a time when life seemed so busy...nearly every minute was accounted for, and those that weren't were quickly swept along in the tide. At times life was full and satisfying, and at others it was damn exhausting. So I moved. A new town, a new job, a fresh start. The immediate quiet was pure bliss. To here the sweet sound of silence. No more exhausting schedule, no longer where dozens of things competing for my time and attention. It was time to relax, focus on my own life, on my own family. It's funny how time can creep by, and suddenly years have passed. The new town is okay, nice, but not spectacular. It is the peace and quiet that makes it special. I now have time to relax - but I don't seem to do much more than that. Sure, I'm busy with family and work is still work. Now, if I am busy, it is doing family things. Mostly enjoyable, and usually avoidable if it is not. It is almost as if balance is being struck. I run the risk of enjoying relaxing too much, but there is just enough for me to do that I am staying clear of the evils of laziness....well, mostly clear. I guess the biggest downfall is that I watch too much TV now. For years I didn't even have cable, now I fall into the couch, and no sooner than I have landed the remote control for the TV is in my hands. Still, compared to the hectic business I had come from, this is nice. If things are crashing upon you, and you are struggling to find time to breath....I heartily recommend a change, a break from your routine. True, not everyone can move to another town, not everyone would want to. But often there is some refuge you can take - somewhere that takes you away from the stress and restores your sense of peace. Never neglect that place. It will restore you, and enable you to face the burdens, and perhaps give you a chance for clear reflection that will show you what burdens are best put down.

God will never leave me,
Then why am I alone?

I walk the path that I can see,
Where from it did God go?

If he can see and I am blind,
How then can god be true?

If I cry out and hear no sound,
Then really who left who?

Journey

Years I ago I was set upon a Journey of discovery. Discovery of who I am, a discovery of life. Whether I began this journey on my own, or if I was driven to it, I don't know. My Journey is driven by a deeply rooted desire to understand - and for me understanding is derived through questioning. The challenge at times is to ask the right questions.
My Journey has led me from loneliness and pain, through deep and powerful faith to skepticism - and it has affected every aspect of my life. I have not arrived at the end of my Journey - it seems beyond me. But I do not think I am alone. I am surrounded by others finding their way along their own Journey, and occasionally we may cross one anothers path.

Venting

Well, I'm glad I got that off of my chest. I'm not really sure what led me to rant about gods failure, and looking back at it I'm a bit embarrassed that I would do so. Really, if there is no god, he has done me no wrong, so why blast him so? If there is a god, then maybe it is just a case of my short-sightedness. Who knows? Still, to anyone who may be offended by it, my apologies. I don't recant what I said, but I apologize for the apparent meaninglessness of saying it. I guess I am just venting with the hope that someone can show me that I am wrong. I am finding more and more that I am the true "double-minded man." I want to engage in dialogue about these issues, to wrestle with them, but at the same time I am sick of wresting with it, tired of reading about it.
I wish that in my journey I could shrug off yesterday, embrace today, and greet tomorrow, tomorrow. But the reality is that I am still hindered by yesterday, or formed may be more precise. I am shaped and molded by the past. My response to the present is limited and not entirely free. And because I am simultaneously holding on to the past and looking to the future, I am not entirely in the present. I am without foundation, drifting without knowing where I am going, or why. I am in some ways lost, although at times I am quite content with that. If I have arrived at this point through honest searching, then I need to be content with that. But I have come to a point in my search wherein I have nothing to search for but clarity and contentment - and I'm not sure where to find them. Do I find contentment in a higher cause/principle/god? Or can I find contentment in non-attachment, freedom from the hindrances of desire and self? In my double-minded way, both options sing to me, draw me - yet equally I fall short of contentment in either direction. What I need is to go beyond intellectualized to practice and experience. But what do I practice? I want to practice living - really living. But how is that defined? God-centered or god-less? If god, which god? If no god, then what? I hesitate to live fully, because I fear to be wrong. I am painfully aware that I know so little. I am living only a partial life. I am a specter, a hollow man. I long to be filled with true vitality, yet I do not live in the small ways I believe I should. How can I hope for more when I do not live the half-life I have?

The failure of God

Just. Righteous. Good. Loving. These are just some of the descriptors used of the christian god, and I imagine that those of other faiths would give a nod of recognition that they could easily be used to describe their gods. But do any of those words speak to the experience of all people, in all places?

Just. Even the prophets of old despaired that there is no justice in the world. The wicked prosper, and the righteous are trampled down.

Righteous. Can this be measured by our experience or knowledge? Job offered a challenge to god, full of faith that god would and could meet that challenge - and what did he discover? That god mocked his mortality, his finite understanding. God demanded Job to reach beyond his nature, beyond the nature that god himself had supposedly created, and mocked Job further when he could not. God thrust his might and power, his awesome greatness before Job. God in essence terrified Job with his indignation. It is no surprise that Job, already broken by his suffering, recanted his challenge ( a challenge offered in faith and hope) and submitted to gods obvious greatness. Righteousness? I am not convinced.

Good. The suffering of millions cries out to be heard, to be relieved. The silence of god is deafening. The relief of suffering is withheld. Starvation, war, disease, rape, murder, slavery .... these are not things from a distant past, but the terrible reality that faces millions of men, women, and children every day, every year. Is humanity not responsible for its own sins...yes and no. Yes and no. There is indeed much guilt in human history, but there are also many, many victims. Are those unable to heal themselves, to "save themselves," to be held responsible for their suffering and demise? Shall the child born with aids be blamed for his suffering? What of the mighty and strong that withhold help, withhold healing? What of a god that is proclaimed to be compassionate, loving, and good? Where is his healing hand? Does the suffering of a lonely prophet thousands of years ago atone for the millions of lives destroyed and maimed throughout history?

Loving. Ah, love. True love is truly sweet, very powerful. How is this known? Because of the sweet vitality of the imperfect love offered and experienced in human relations. And here lies the key. Love, to have value - to have meaning, must be experienced. To talk of love will fill the imagination, but unless it touches one in the realm of experience it will only be an empty sound, a hollow promise - empty of all true power. The gospel is full of talk of love. Of gods love. It is a message of love sent over time, thousands of years ago. But how far from our daily experience this love can be. I told you I love you once (thousands of years ago), and if I change my mind I will let you know. Is this the love of god? God loves me. Why do I have cancer? Well let me guess, maybe he is teaching me. Maybe I sinned. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I must guess because god will not tell. His love is silent.

How many souls have cried out to the Just, Righteous, Good, Loving god, only to be answered with silence. Is this the whole story of god? A word here and there scattered over the centuries, delivered to a privileged, secluded few? Perhaps there is more, but how can we know? We are but dust and so far have not been able to find the answers.

Journey

When does a journey begin? Does it begin at conception, before we even take our first independent breath? Or is the beginning of our journey an act of our will - does it begin with our own conscious decision: the willful first step taken in a thousand mile journey? Is my journey, any journey, truly autonomous and independent? Or are we confined by cause and effect, directed by a myriad of unseen decisions and events? It seems to me that I have choice within these confines, but I can't escape the consequences of those choices. Not only of my choices, but of those who have made choices that affect me, directly or indirectly. Even something as beyond me as the weather has significant involvment in my journey. My journey is clearly not only mine, alone. It is a journey in community with all existence, with all that is.

It is funny to think about how near-sighted we can be. Or perhaps it's just me. As a child, I could not believe in god, or at least in a god of love. Yet, in my late teens, I converted to Christianity, passionately convinced that there was indeed a god, and that that god had made himself and his love known to humanity. All of my doubts were answered - I was full of faith. I was absolutely certain that, no matter what happened, regardless of experience or gnosis, I would not, could not, doubt the truth of the Christian message. I was so certain. I committed all of my resources, everything that I was towards serving god. Everything that I was, and everything that I had hoped to be was surrendered to gods will. Year after year I committed myself to the divine, to understanding everything in the light of gods love and truth.

And yet, here I am, over a decade later, and all of my faith has fled. Looking back at my faith journey (and it has been, and still is, a journey) I can only marvel, not at my zealous faith, but at my present lack of faith. Having once believed, I cannot see how I can ever believe again. There was a time that I could not do anything but believe .... yet now, try as I might, I cannot believe. I can look back at the process, the journey from unbelief to belief back to unbelief - but I cannot relive those feelings/experiences of faith. I can only feel me now. Sure, I can still recover glimpses of what I once felt, but they are fleeting illusions, memories only that are ghostly in their intangibleness. Shades of yesterday that cannot touch the present. The journey was at times sweet, and recently full of sorrow and frustration - but I have found that I can only believe what I believe. And I can no longer remain in intimate communion with what I no longer believe. I cannot enter into the experience of yesterday. I am trapped by the present. Who knows what I will believe tomorrow - will I still find that there can be no other way?