I am hesitant to pick a path only to find that it is not the right one, but I am reluctant to simply wait until certainty has arrived because I am afraid to waste my years in idleness.

And yet,

I do not have to accomplish anything in this life.

I do not have to arrive anywhere in my life. There is no destination beyond the present.

The head chants what is sometimes felt. Back and forth, my double-mind. I feel as if I am stuttering between two traditions, unwilling to finally leave the first, unable to fully trust the second. It is funny that my experiences confirmed the first and that it was study and reason (so called) that has led me away. Yet the practice of my former faith led to a dynamic, peaceful, ego-emptying life. The result of my past faith, for me, sounds suspiciously like what is promised by the new tradition (new to me, but so very old). What to do, what to do. At the heart of it all, have nothing to do. I am, and so I am at peace. But in creeps those silly little matters like providing for ones family, paying bills, and finding a satisfying vocation. Alas, in those regards I can do nothing. Here-in lies the challenge of artificial directions. One path or the other, or both, but my little feet need to start walking. Casually, not racing, savoring the journey. Step by step, change by change until finally I am just being. So, choices to be made, but at the core, no choice.

I find it interesting that in exploring the new-old tradition it begins to sound more and more like the heights of my past tradition. Different narrative, same experience. Different disciplines, same result. Defined differently, feeling the same. Those things that are criticised are present in each tradition. It seems that the new-old tradition cuts to the chase a bit quicker than the modern expressions of my old tradition, yet the same principles exist in each. More to learn have I. More to forget I must.

Ideally I would simply sit, breath, and wait - and that I shall do, but familial responsibility sets some external constraints requiring directional decisions. Staying in the center I step by step.

Dancing in my mind a pattern weaving.
Eyes not seeing body moving,
rhythm finding its own way through me.

Stumbling steps seeking, guideless
Lost intention is lost, hence found.

Destination something not directed,
Presence something not expected
Peace not found until embraced.

Moving On - Update

Okay, so here is how things stand. No longer registered for a course at the seminary, still waiting to see how things fall at work, still registered for meditation course, still doing tai chi, still finding it difficult to live in the present because of choices of the past. But, I'm still moving forward. Take the gains with the losses, or rather, come refuse to cling to either the gains or the losses. Trying to just live.

It's true I am finding my balance slowly but surely. Just a small disclaimer - this blog is my place to vent, to cry out, to whimper - my root is deeper than it may appear. It is deep, and strong - it's just that in my journey I have reached an wallless impass and I am feeling out in different directions for a new direction. I feel as if I am standing in the prairies and can see for miles in all directions - all I have to do is start walking in one direction. My intuition is leading in one way and is tangled up in my reason. I am sorting it out, with the help of good friends (some with big sticks) in this virtual world.

Gratitude.

Dreams are illusion.

Regret is a poison.

Balance is found in the present lived free from both dreams and regret.

Moving on.

Well, things are moving along now. Plans are in place, short goals are being set and the future looks bright. Registered for a Shambhala meditation seminar early January and if plans work out will be attending with a good friend. I should prove to be a good weekend. The only possible negative that I can foresee is that another friend might be hosting a seminar with Rich Franklin (UFC) in January as well and that might very well happen while I'm at the mediation seminar. Hopefully not, but we shall see.
I've also enrolled in another course at the seminary I had recently quit....uh ya, they were kind enough to take me back. Anyways, I'm enrolled in a course called "the birth of theology". It is an introduction to patristic studies and the historical development of the church theology. Sounds interesting anyways. I've come to a place where I am no longer looking at courses as a means to future employment or as being dependent upon a faith infused perspective. I love studying history and religion and this course will serve to allow both in a context I am familiar with. Very nice, I know.
Things are changing at work. I've applied for one of the new full time positions that have come available (I have been a happy part-time worker for 4 years now). I really don't want to work full time, but it will provide some financial stability and perks....the downside is I will have to work all week, and that is really not a pleasant thought. If I get it then fine, if not then it will leave my schedule open to pursue further studies, mediation courses, and continued training in chen tai chi. I am finding that I am nestled right inbetween 3 traditions Taoism, Christianity, and Budhism.
I am coming to embrace my interests as simply healthy, enjoyable things instead of investing them with a need to recipricat financially. I am actually taking steps to enjoy things for what they are and not just doing them to make money. And truth to tell, much of what I enjoy will pay dividends in the long run on so many levels it is just a joy to do them. I have not felt this positive in a long time. I am investing in myself and finding that my dreams can be a functional reality. Sure, some dreams have changed, but that is life and I am moving on.
I am also making a commitment to my training in chen style tai chi. It requires a lot of driving (1 hour each way), but the investment of time and gas is easily worth it. I only make it once a week, but that has proven to be a sustainable and enjoyable time. I would prefer the school to be closer so I could go more often but I am enjoying what I am getting. I am currently wrestling with going back to aikido as well. I haven't trained in aikido in years but it was my first martial art and I really did love it. That said, I am aware that my interest in aikido does not overwhelm my commitment to tai chi, but it could offer a local opporunity to train in a great art without the commute - it could be an supplemental excersise to tai chi that will not be thwarted by bad weather and long drives.
Well, that is the brief outline of where I am and what I am doing. As I said, moving on in positive directions and enjoying it.

Future Goals

Well, well, well. Out of nowhere, I have a dream! Okay, so it's not really out of nowhere, but it has been like a light-bulb coming on. The past few years I have been essentially drifting through life without any real goals or lasting motivation. In a bout of daily idle imagination at work I began to pull together a goal that would engage some of my primary interests into a possible business plan that is workable and that has real potential for satisfaction. I will never get rich from this idea, but hey, I've never really cared too much about that. There is quite a bit for me to do, including putting some serious energy into my interests, something that apathy and aimlessness has been hindering me from doing. No, it is not a terribly original idea, but it is an idea that makes me, dare I say, happy.

All of this inspired from listening to a young man lay out his future plans in front of judge before being sentenced. When asked by the judge, "what are your plans for when you get out" he responded without hesitation, "I want to be an under-water welder." What a great idea, I thought! Combining diving, no doubt a sport he was quite interested in and would enjoy immensely, with a profitable trade. An exciting mix of business with pleasure. That was the indirect sign-post for me that I don't have to be trapped in mundane, boring work just to make a buck. There is freedom and hope to engage in my interests and to still pay the bills.

Well, this is all nice and dreamy, but there is real work that needs to be done....luckily I am already on the way and have already made some plans towards fulfilling this dream in progress. A tentative target of 5 years with a possible 2 year start date. I'm excited to see where this will go.

I have lost confidence in my own instincts. This is tragic. My instincts tell me one thing but I second guess them, trying to see all angles, trying to see if my instincts are being driven by selfishness - hmmm, that may be the truth of it, my instincts are probably driving by selfishness, or at least self-preservation, and by god I need to re-learn to trust them again.

Year by year, month by month, day by day, I am dying, losing myself, drowning in the domestic prison I have led myself into. I am not who I was. I am not who I want to be. I am who I have become through my own choices. Can considerate choices be the wrong ones? I think so. Wrong for me, at least. This cage, this self-inflicted imprisonment - I could flee it but am bound by my own word. Bound by my compassion for those I share it with. But my selfishness twist compassion into something less pure, something poisoned and full of self pity. I could be free but not without harming those I have promised not to harm. I should not have to flee my prison to be free, but I don't feel free to develope the depths of strength, of mind and heart to be free within the bounds of my cage.

It is no wonder that the Buddha left his family to seek liberation. What once seemed perverse now seems so understandable. I'm dying inside. I want to be free. But I won't free myself. It seems that I will have to find a way to be free within my chains.

Night notes

I am just going to have to start keeping my lap top at the side of my bed (or at least pen and paper) - how many thoughts have rattled in my head at night only to be lost come morning?

I am considering returning to academic studies....mixed feelings on it but hey, I'm fickle so what can I say? Time and money are having way to much influence in my life...well, maybe money more than time. I've got to find away to turn stones into gold....a little physical alchemy to pad my pockets! Okay, maybe not...but how about a little internal alchemy - oh wait, you actually need to apply effort to that end. It's a real shame that I can't summon the motivation to apply said effort...I keep getting caught in the illusion of meaninglessness of everything. Isn't meaninglessness every bit as much an illusion as meaning? Why not, they are both creations of our perception. It is settled then - meaning is illusion and so is meaninglessness. There is only just now.

Aha, that reminds me of one of those lost late night thoughts.....time, time is illusion as well. A construct of our minds with no anchor in what is. There is always just now, never yesterday or tomorrow. We can only experience just now. That is a liberating thought. I think it has powerful ramifications about me, us, life, god/no god - unity.

How do you explain the observations of your emotions? Thoughts and feelings turn within regardless of what I tell myself. I direct my thoughts to recognize that my emotions are misguided, yet the passions still wells up within. Triggered by some trivial problem they have a life of their own. Once upon a time I revelled in my emotions, the ebb and flow the life blood that carried me. The highs and lows, sorrow and joy - all enjoyed and treasured. And the bliss of anger - the power, the passion....burns so bright but deceptive. I miss the bliss of anger. How have I changed? I have trained myself towards stoicism and in so doing have disarmed myself and robbed myself of skillful appropriation of emotion. I am no longer skilled in the dance of emotions - too long I have been content to simply observe my emotions and let them pass untouched. Too long I have ignored the exquisit sensations that emotions bring. Where once I revelled in emotions caress, today I struggled with them. And I really don't know why. Perhpas it is not my emotions that are confusing me, or at least not the root of the problem. Could ego be the silent dagger causing me pain? Was it pricked pride that stirred up my emotions? No doubt. Pride stung - whipped by the sense that I should react a certain way. I got sucked into the game of fools once again. A reminder that I have far to go, that ego is indeed a silent dagger that can bring much suffering. Overly concerned about what others think my day was stained with suffering. I allowed ego to unbalance me emotionally, to lose the rythm of my emotions. Recognize, accept, and observe - don't hold onto the emotion or lay claim to it. Recognize it as an honored guest, no, as a family member rightfully belonging in my life.

Still Trapped

I keep thinking, changing my thinking, changing my thinking - learning and forgetting and synthesizing it all through my clouded lenses of knowing. Thinking I know falls away to the realization that I don't know, shadowed by the hint that my realization is illusion. I am aware that I am struggling to be aware and occasionally I come to a flash of insight that I am not aware - struggling to awake without knowing what it is to be awake. Perhaps there is no awake, only unity. It may be that what I am struggling towards is not what I should be struggling towards -that struggling towards is istself misguided. Will I ever know? Will I ever be content not knowing? Can I rest in the midst of not knowing?

Life continues and the only constant is change - or is it? Everything changes, but many things change in predictable, repeatable ways. Change is not complete. The changes that take place do not themselves seem to change. Practically speaking change is indeed constant, but that only highlights the brevity of our lives and the pettiness of our vision.

I don't think that it is Jesus himself that inspires life changing faith and devotion - I think it is the IDEA of self-sacrificing love that reaches deep into the heart of us. Even after years of study we hardly know who Jesus was. The man is lost beneath the contradictory theological theories and myths.

The idea that someone would love us so deeply, so completely despite our faults and secret sins - the romantic dream that one would willingly, bravely suffer unspeakable pain in our place, for us....a selfless, sacrificial love....it is that that penetrates our defenses and strikes a cord in our deepest need and desire - to be loved and accepted.

TItles

I wonder if it is just a little presumptuous to attach titles to myself....christian, agnostic, buddhist? At various times I can honestly say I have been each of them, at times they overlap. I certainly have not arrived so is it just a sign of my own immaturity that I feel the need to define myself with titles, especially since these titles really aren't of much practical use. In fact they tend to be more divisive than not. Am I christain? Am I agnostic? Or am I still on the path to becoming, trying to figure it out as I go? That seems to be the most accurate...I am on a journey, have not arrived, and for lack of a firm, determined committment just now I think it is best to leave the titles on the side and simply continue on my journey.

Is reason the star of the show or only a supporting actor?

I have been nursing a nagging suspicion that reason is not the well-spring of belief or non-belief. It is certainly of great importance, but I'm wondering if it is in fact the great decider?

When I was a christian I prided myself in always looking deeper, constantly trying to learn more and more - not because of lack of faith but because I love to learn. I had faith and believed that my faith was supported by reason and by a great body of evidence. However, I am no longer a christian (now agnostic) and I still feel that my lack of faith can be supported by a great body of evidence. I feel that it is reasonable for me not to believe. In either case I sought to stand upon reason - in either case I felt that I stood upon a good foundation. Did reason fail or is there more to the equation?

Reason is not only resting on the facts but upon the interpretive bias' of each individual. It is entirely reasonable for many christians to believe as they believe - reason/reasonable is not synonymous with true. Likewise it is reasonable for many people not to believe in the christian god . In neither case is it universally possible to claim absolute or dogmatic certainty. It is the perception of each individual that is the deciding factor - the 'facts' are interpreted through our own bias' and through a host of personal and environmental filters. We are not free but conditioned animals. Reason is a tool that is conditioned not only by the skill of the one wielding it but also by the material it is used on.

As a christian I always maintained that I could not convince someone of gods existence or of christian truth- only that I could strongly support that belief through reason and the evidence available. I believed that faith or lack of faith was beyond facts and reason alone. I wonder if that is any less true as an agnostic.

Meditations while bored at work

The emptiness that is my life is all that directs me. Resting in the meaningless of life I press on. Who I am, who I was, who I dreamt that I could be - meaningless in light of who I am. The wind blows as it wills and I, like chafe, am scattered and thrown. In my naivete I make choices, daring to dream that they have value - that too is illusion. My choices are made in ignorance and futility. We, society, are a mass of vain, blind animals wandering this way, blown that way. Is there a divine providence guiding the scattering winds? Can one tell by the apparent randomness of our lives - so some comfort, to others pain - to all suffering in varying degrees.

Here I am in this journey, my life. i live, I act - a hollow shell inching towards my death. Is that to be feared? To be embraced? Or to be ignored? Does death offer any more meaning than life? Any less?

Meditations while bored at work

There is no past, no future - only the now. The now is constantly changing but always new. It is always now.

Yesterday is an illusion - the future is a dream. To live in the past is to risk missing the moment, but then, if there is only now how can the moment be missed? So it seems that all we can do is live now - all that is at risk is the quality of now.

When we worry or are angry it is usually the case that we are dwelling on what has happened or what we fear will happen - seldom is the object of our stress now. Even more rare are the times that our present justifies the energy and stress we carried.

How does morality play out in a doctrine of now? Well, right is right regardless of when.....isn't it? What is it that makes right, right? God? If so, which one? Nature? Nature is often cruel, pitiless and driven by/for survival. In that sense, survival is the criteria of right - all else is relative and temporal.

But what of now? It seems to be constantly changing, but that has the taste of illusion as well. Time is a tool and has no value outside of its function, no reality behind the concept. Or is it just the smallness of our lives, of my life, that hides the reality of time?

The longer I no longer believe the less it seems to matter.

I am not afraid of dying - but I am saddended at the thought of not knowing.

The same old dance.

I was visiting an online christian group on facebook tonight and was unsuprised to find new names dancing the same old dance. Same arguments, same tactics, same results. There is nothing new under the sun, as they say. More and more I am coming to terms with what is becoming obvious to me - we are animals of instinct and predictable behaviour. We act according to our species defined nature. I see it in people, in children and animals especially. I am finding it difficult to see an intrinsic meaning in this life, especially to the human species. What we are, what we say, and what we do is in so many ways meaningless beyond the temporal present experience. The dance has no real life - it is a tired recording and replaying of a song losing its vitality. We speak, we laugh, we cry, we fear, we have courage - in repeatable and predicatable patterns. We are beasts - we are dancing bears. We are chasing the big top: chasing a show that is patently meaningless and missing the simple pleasure of simply surviving and existing.

Selfishness rethought.

I was thinking a little bit whilst brushing my teeth.....is selfishness not natural and self-preserving? Perhaps it is not selfishness itself that is wrong, but uninformed selfishness - not fully understanding and/or manipulating all of the data for the best fulfillment of self-centered desires. I think that an argument for selfishness supported by selflessness could be made. Sometimes, perhaps most of the time, the best way to care for oneself is to care for others. I am willing to go so far as to theorize that there is nothing we do that is not done without a core of selfishness driving it. We help others because it makes US feel good, for example. No, I think selfishness is indeed at the heart of survival and that it may not be as devilish as we tend to think. It is when we act in our own self interest without understanding the situation, the nature of our needs and wants, and the cause and effect of our actions that gives selfishness such a bad rap.

Is it wrong to want to live in a home surrounded by mountains, forests and lakes? Well, maybe it's not wrong, but it sure is damn expensive! I have wanted to move west for years, most of my adult life really, and always there was a reason not too. Now, I don't have a legitimate reason, but confound it all - I don't think I can afford too!!! Housing market is too expensive, I kinda don't have a job out there, and the cost of moving across canada is probably close to what I earn in a year. Perhaps I will slip over for a visit this summer and price things out, check the job market, and remind myself why I think I love the west. Ah life, always moving along teasing you with dreams and hopes only to pass them by.

It would be easier to accept christiainity if one could experience its power instead of always hearing about it. It's like the salesman that loves to hear his own voice when he should be quiet for a moment and let the product speak for itself.

Modern christianity seems content to talk people into believing instead of leading by example - the truth of the faith should be evident in the lives of the 'faithful'.

The inherent power of the gospel is seems to be inherently hard to see. Looking at the mass of christianity one is inclined to see a herd of sheep - although occassionally, perhaps rarely, one may notice the dull shine of a golden fleece amongst the herd.

I, for one, get tired of hearing about how wonderful something is. I'd much rather see it for myself and form my own opinion.

"This pity deceives itself regularly about its powers; woman would like to believe that love can achieve anything -- that is her characteristic faith. Alas, whoever knows the heart will guess how poor, stupid, helpless, arrogant, blundering, more apt to destroy than to save is even the best and profoundest love!"

These words by Nietzsche put love in a perspective that we don't tend to want to consider. Yet how true is it? Too me it hums with a truthfulness that is seldom heard. It has a familiarity that reminds me of my own poor attempts at loving.

Nietzsche goes on to say:

"It is possible that underneath the holy fable and disuise of Jesus' life there lies concealed one of the most painful cases of the martyrdom of knowledge about love; the martyrdom of the most innocent and desirous heart, never sated by an human love; demanding love, to be loved and nothing else, with hardness, with insanity, with terrible eruptions against those who denied him love; the story of a poor fellow, unsated and insatiable in love, who had to invent hell in order to send to it those who did now want to love him -- and who finally, having gained knowledge about human love, had to invent a god who is all love, all ability to love -- who has mercy on human love because it is so utterly wretched and unknowing. Anyone who feels that way, who knows this about love -- seeks death."

The beatiful contrast, the damning honesty - it stirrs an unholy amen within me. It speaks the words my mind wrestled for in the shadows of my faith.

Court and community.

I can't help but wonder, why do the courts speak as if they are deferring to our communities as a whole when the courts are, for all practical purposes, so far removed from the average member of the community that they are in fact strangers?

One only has to observe the calloused neglect of victims of crime in deference to the sickening obsession with the protection of the accused to see that the courts are willfully blind to the concerns of the community.

Trapped by the past

Too often we are victims of our own ignorance. From our first waking breath we are obliged by the act of living to make decisions. The tragedy is not that we have to make decisions but that we must make these decisions based upon the limited information and understanding that we have from our experience and according to our limited natural abilities.

It seems to be a somewhat obvious fact hat we are often bound by the decisions we make. True, many decisions are small and on the surface inconsequential (although it could be argued that no decision is in fact inconsequential). And of course many decisions seem to lend themselves to positive responses and effects. Whether good or bad, all of our decisions bind us to a direction and experiences that we cannot possibly foresee or plan for.

It is a rare opportunity that offers us a chance to correct what we presently consider mistakes in the light of hind-sight. At times there is opportunity to change directions but the cost appears to be too high. Always there is choice, decisions to be made.

We are prisoners to our ignorance, bound by our choices and slaves to the illusion of free will.

Another step forward

Well, after giving one more kick at the can I have finally come to terms with the death of yet another dream. I had registered for another course towards my masters degree this fall only to find that (as I should have already known by now) it was a complete waste of time and money. I had no interest in the course material and found it terribly difficult to do even the simplest readings. So, without any further ado I withdrew from the course and emailed the registrar and withdrew from the program entirely.

Another door closed. I guess I will have to keep looking for meaning and direction. However, I'm not sure if I am ready to give up the quest of knowledge just yet. I am still enrolled at the Waterloo University, but that is for a BA degree, not a masters. Still, it does appear to offer a good selection of courses that seem rather interesting - it is just a question of money I suppose. Can I afford to throw more money away at yet another educational endeavor that will likely offer little in tangible returns? More to the point, can I even afford another course by the spring? Something to think about, but if I want to enroll for spring time (and money) is running out. Hmmmm, I say. Hmmmm.